KOF MAXIMUM ULTIMATE MATCH SPECIAL PREMIUM [EN VER] - Shoganeena (2024)

Chapter 1: Team Stories: Psycho Soldiers, CYS, Korea, Yagami

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode in South Town during the finale of a massive concert where thousands of people have gathered to cheer for the most internationally acclaimed idol of all time. Specifically, we find ourselves backstage at the concert stage. Because today is the day when our favorite friendzoned guy plans to confess his love to the woman of his dreams (yes, once again):

* Kensou: Alright, it's my moment! [Looking at his hands]: I-I don't know why I'm trembling, there are probably millions of people here and watching us on TV. Athena wouldn’t ignore me in front of all these people and let me make a fool of myself, right?

* Chin: Yeah, would she?

* Kensou: Master? When did you sneak in? I didn't even notice!

* Chin: That's because you're so anxious right now that you can't perceive auras, read minds, or anything, Kensou. In times like these, it's best to hit the bottle.

* Kensou: But you know I don't drink!

* Chin: Well, then have a cup of herbal tea.

* Kensou: I've already had three! [About to step onto the stage]: And now, if you'll excuse me...

* Athena's Manager: STOP, KENSOU, DON'T DO IT!!

* Kensou: Eh? Why shouldn't I?

* Athena's Manager: ((Hmm, let’s see if I can say this without hurting his feelings)) Becauseeee... Because Athena is an idol and she can't have a boyfriend! I won't allow it!

* Kensou: But you let her attend KOF so she and brutes like Yamazaki can beat the crap out of each other? Oh boy, what a sh*tty manager!

* Chin: Speaking of KOF, we just received the invitations. Who knows, maybe this year you'll get lucky.

* Kensou: Please, don't say that! You know very well that...

* Chin: Sure, for you there are no other women besides Athena. I'm just saying that in KOF XIV, Love Heart and Mui Mui really seemed to like you.

* Athena's Manager: Yeah, who cares if they're from the Another World team? Soon, girls from this one will start liking you too.

* Kensou: Manager, please, just shut up!

* Chin: Don't close any doors, kid! You might be wasting your potential as a stud as so many manga can't be wrong, can they?

* Kensou: Master, do you read sleazy doujinshi?! Come on, that's the last thing you needed!

* Chin: Of course I don’t, Kensou, don't be silly. I just look at the drawings, can't you see I'm too drunk to read most of the time?

* Kensou: I don't understand why we're having such a ridiculous conversation. They're probably trying to distract me so that...

And indeed, that's how it is because by now the concert is over and the third member of the Psycho Soldiers has just entered the backstage, attention-whoring and screaming:

* Athena: ATHENA IKIMASU!!!!!111!!!

* Athena's Manager: Nice concert, Athena, as always. Screaming that you’re there every time you arrive some place is probably redundant, but since it's part of your charm, we'll let it slide.

* Athena: What are you all doing here? Did something important happen?

* Chin: Nah. [Seeing the frustrated expression on Kensou's face] Well, yeah, the invitations for this year's KOF have arrived.

* Athena: That's great! Another chance to defend Good, Justice, and World Peace.

* Athena's Manager: And to promote yourself as an idol and sell merchandise. Let's not forget about that either, huh?

* Athena: Do we know who's organizing it this year?

* Chin: No idea, there's a double K on the envelope. [Note: From Krauser-Kagura. It sounds awful in Spanish, but these are Chinese and Japanese, and they don't notice those things.]

* Kensou: Oh my, Krizalid again!

* Athena: What are you saying? "Krizalid" only has one K! The Kagura sisters come to mind, although I think one of them is dead.

To which their sensei, with all the experience accumulated during almost a century of existence, wisely responds:

* Chin: Well, who gives a damn? Let’s enter KOF blindly like we do every year and stop overthinking stuff like that.

* Athena: Master, maybe it's nothing, but... During the concert, I smelt something evil.

* Chin: Kensou, go wash your feet!

* Athena: Don't joke around, Master! Well, maybe "sensed" is a better word than "smelt" when it comes to malevolent auras.[To Kensou]: Did you notice anything?

* Kensou: Nah, nothing at all. ((I was about to declare my undying love for you in front of millions of people, as if I had time for silly things like that! Damn, you look so hot in that short skirt, I could just... No, no, stop thinking that, she might read my mind! Athena, i-if you're reading this, it was just a joke, okay? Lalalala! Lalalalalalala!))

* Athena (looking suspiciously at Kensou): Hmph. Well, no comments...

Not that Athena goes around invading other people's minds with zero respect for privacy as if she was some kind of X-Men, to imagine what Kensou was thinking all she had to do was look at the bulge in his pants. But let's focus on the culprits of the hunch she had, because it turns out that among the audience attending the concert:

* Yashiro: Tsk, I don't know what people see in this brat. She screams more than she sings.

* Chris: You do it better, Yash.

* Yashiro: If you can call what we do now "singing," which is more like begging on the streets... What a disgusting life, guys!

* Shermie: What do you mean, "disgusting life"? I think it's way better than being dead, don't you?

* Yashiro: Well, I don't know, Shermie. Yes, it's true that we're alive, but you know the bad side of it? Humanity is alive too!

* Chris: We basically killed ourselves for nothing, so it's normal to feel a bit down.

* Yashiro: And even putting aside the Orochi matter, we have no money, no place to live except that stinky van we stole, and nobody remembers our band anymore. Tell me, what's the point of life when you've lost everything else?

* Shermie: That's deep, Yash. Maybe you should put it into some lyrics or something.

* Yashiro: It's not mine, it's from Game of Thrones, okay?

* Chris: Really? But we were dead when the series came out!

* Yashiro: It's from the book, damn it! It was the last novel I read before... you know.

* Shermie: Well, considering the situation as it is, I think the best thing we can do is become supervillains, don't you guys agree?

* Chris: Yeah, since rummaging through trash bins when you have access to the powers of a Heavenly King...

* Yashiro: Spandex doesn’t really suit me, so let's try other options first. For instance, we could try winning this year's KOF.

* Shermie: There's a KOF this year?

* Yashiro: That's what I heard. I suggest we enter the tournament and finally settle the score since '97. If we win, we can live off the prize money.

* Chris: And if we lose, we go Orochi and get revenge by killing everyone... It's a win-win!

* Shermie: So how are we going to get in? By passing the preliminaries?

* Yashiro: Nah, who needs preliminaries? We'll get the invitations the same way we got tickets for that brat's concert, by mugging some loser, simple as that.

But not the Psycho Soldiers, because they could kick their asses (at least when the New Face Team is in vanilla mode). And meanwhile, in Kim Kaphwan's dojo, a disastrous training session is taking place, which has the aforementioned master in a state of despair:

* Kaphwan: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TODAY?!? You can't even tell right from left or up from down!

* Chang: Same as always, Master.

* Kaphwan: No, today you're worse than ever! I don't know how to motivate you anymore. I might have to start following the advice of my cousin from North Korea, who works in a concentration camp!

* Chang: But does that cousin really exist or are you just trying to scare us?

* Kaphwan: It's unbelievable how little interest you show in training. Is this how you thank me for taking you to KOF?

* Choi (whispering): We’re the only ones who didn't want to go, you bastard!

* Kaphwan: Did you say something, Choi?

* Choi: Me? Nothing, Master Kim.

* Kaphwan: You two need to take this more seriously, you're very unfocused! Especially you, Chang, you let the ball slip five minutes ago, and I narrowly escaped getting my head smashed.

* Chang: I can't express how sorry I am. (Sorry I missed, damn it!!)

* Kaphwan: From now on, you will train twice as hard... No, three times harder than usual! Because you wouldn't want to go to KOF and make Korea, me, and the dojo look bad, or am I wrong?

* Choi: (You're wrong, buddy-boy, that's exactly what we want! This year we're going to behave so badly that if Rugal were to come back to life and see us, he would think, "What a bunch of bastards!")

* Kaphwan: I can't hear you!

* Chang and Choi (in unison): NO, SIR!

Meanwhile, in Osaka, right at Iori's doorstep:

*DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG*

* Iori (angrily opening the door): Stop ringing, you clowns, you're going to wear out the doorbell! I've been pretending not to hear you for half an hour, and you still won't leave!

* Vice: Good morning, Yagami, as charming as ever!

* Mature: You did well to open the door because Vice was about to break it down.

* Iori: Don't you dare scare the neighbors, got it?

* Vice: Why would we do that, because we're ghosts?

* Iori: I don't know what you are, but you're definitely a pain in the ass! I still don't lose hope to never see you again.

* Mature: And how is that, honey?

* Iori: Because you both told me so in KOF XIII! That if I got the Magatama back, I would never see you again, or at most in dreams!

Upon hearing this, Rugal's former secretaries burst into loud laughter:

* Mature and Vice (chanting in unison): AND HE FELL FOR IT, AND HE FELL FOR IIIIIIIIT!!!!

* Iori: Silence, you cretins! Have you come here to make fun of me?

* Vice: Nah, we came to ask if you're planning to go to KOF this year.

* Iori: Of course I'm going! To kill Kusanagi!

* Vice: Pffft, you say that every year and then you come back home all beaten up.

* Mature: Except when the Riot of the Blood kicks in, then it's the idiots who teamed up with you who go back home all beaten up.

* Iori: And you two know that from experience, right?

* Mature: We never "went back home"... You killed us, remember?

* Vice: But it doesn't matter, we're looking forward to enter KOF with you again because we love toxic relationships.

* Iori: Hmph, I wonder what your true intentions are. But with a team, I have a better chance of facing Kyo than going as a Single Entry, so I'm okay with it.

Chapter 2: Team Stories: South Town, Japan, Masters, Mr. Big

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode at Geese Tower, with Billy sitting on a couch, killing aliens on a gaming console in the middle of an office where everyone else is swamped with work.

*Billy: The boss was right, things have been very calm lately. Good thing I brought my PlayStation, or I'd be bored as f*ck.

*Ripper: Billy, stop messing around with that game or at least turn down the TV. I'm trying to review some contracts, and you're giving me a headache!

*Hopper: Instead of sitting there doing nothing, why don't you help us with the paperwork a bit?

*Billy: Cause I can't make heads or tails of that crap. Never went to school, remember?

*Ripper: How fortunate it's not a requirement for being a gangster, I wish I knew that back in the day.

*Billy: Education is for losers, innit what I always tell you? But it's too late now, Ripper. Don't stress yourself out too much, or you'll end up bald.

*Ripper: And now you are mocking me? Can't wait for Geese-sama to send you on another absurd mission so you stop being here getting in the way!

*Hopper: Bro, if you're bored because there's no leg-breaking today, why don't you go help Hein for a while?

*Billy: Pffft! And what's the new guy doing now, unclogging the loo or somethin'?

*Hopper: Nah, I think he's just arranging the latest antiques Geese-sama bought.

*Billy(getting up): Alright, I better go check what he's up to, just in case he breaks something.

And so it goes, a couple of floors down, in the room where Geese keeps all his new collectors' items:

*Billy: Hey, what are you doing with that knife? Gonna stab us in the back already?

*Hein: Once again, you have this obsession that I'm going to betray you, Mr. Billy? Can't you see I'm just dusting it off?

*Billy: Now that I look closely, it's some yakuza sword, right? Although a tad longer than most.

*Hein: Because it's not a tanto (as you mistakenly assume), but rather a kodachi. Geese-sama bought it from an antique dealer in Hokkaido, apparently it comes from a mythical place called "Kamui Kotan."

*Billy: Ah, I see, that's why it looks so old. Like something from the Roman times.

*Hein(adjusting his glasses): Romans times. In Japan.

*Billy: Hey, Hein, stop with the irony, I'm your senpai, got it?

*Hein: Not irony. Sarcasm.

*Billy: YA ASKIN' FOR A BEATIN', RIGHT?

Billy said, losing his patience, because in less than 2 minutes of conversation, Hein has already corrected him 3 times with a poorly disguised air of intellectual superiority. But let's forget about that for now because, as he raised the sansetsukon to strike, he realized something that had completely escaped his notice until now:

*Billy(approaching): Whoa, that painting...!

And that's when Geese entered, who knows precisely the moment to appear in order to advance the plot.

*Geese: What's up, Billy? This is the first time you've been here since you came back, right? You can leave now, Hein.

*Hein: If you'll allow me, Geese-sama, at this moment I was...

*Billy: Get the f*ck outta here, damnit!

Hein leaves with a bow, and the two of them remain, observing the painting:

*Billy: Boss, when was this painted? It wasn't recently, right?

*Geese: No, it's an 18th-century painting. It used to be in the Palace of Versailles.

*Billy: Those guys there are Haohmaru, Charlotte, the consumptive lad, the ninja... The guys I've been living with until a couple of weeks ago, you know?

*Geese: So you didn't think they had time-traveled? You thought they were impostors?

*Billy: Nah, they oughta be real samurais or complete idiots because at first, they didn't even know how to use the loo. But who are they fighting against, sir? Looks like a demon.

*Geese: ...

*Billy: Is it Amakusa, innit?

*Geese: It can't be, can't you see that the person in the painting is clearly a woman, and Amakusa was a man?

*Billy: He wasn't terribly manly, according to the samurai...

If you've played Samurai Shodown, I imagine you already know which painting we're talking about (mind you, it's the one from SS2, not from the 2019 game), and you also know that the main antagonist was indeed Mizuki instead of Amakusa. And you may also be aware that the kodachi that made a cameo earlier used to belong to Nakoruru. But let's not dwell on trivial matters that disrupt the flow of the narration and continue:

*Geese: It's not Amakusa, okay? Or so it says the company's demonologist.

*Billy: We have a demonologist now? Holy sh*t, boss!

*Geese: Of course we do. Why do you think I've had you living with those losers for almost a year?

*Billy: Because everything's so bloody peaceful in South Town, and you don't want me bothering Ripper and Hopper while they're doing paperwork?

*Geese: Wrong, that was just a secondary goal. Nah, as soon as I saw the samurais for the first time, I knew a good opportunity had presented itself.

*Billy: No sh*t, to obtain Amakusa's power?!?

*Geese: Billy, speak with more respect, now that you're no longer with that riffraff!

*Billy: Sorry, sir!

*Geese: And besides, what I'm looking for is the power of Ambrosia. Amakusa is nothing, just a vessel for a far superior power.

*Billy: Boss, from what I understand, Ambrosia is an evil spirit that can possess people and wants to invade our world.

*Geese: So?

*Billy: So couldn't we just settle for extorting people and selling drugs, just like regular mobsters do?

*Geese: Of course not, don't ask such silly questions! As soon as the opportunity to gain more power arises, we have to go for it.

*Billy: Alright, let's go all out with that Ambrosia bloke then... What do I have to do?

*Geese: First of all, prepare yourself for KOF. Oh, and I have two news for you, one good and one bad; the good news is that I'll also be on the team.

*Billy: Great, and the bad news?

*Geese: The third member of our team is going to be Yamazaki.

*Billy: Well, I'm used to it already... But do you really want to go with the two of us, boss? We tend to get on our teammates' nerves.

*Geese: That's because they can't control you guys, but that won't happen to me.

Meanwhile, in a café near Esaka station:

*Benimaru: So what are you saying, Daimon? That you won't be able to enter KOF because you've signed a contract to train the national Judo team for the Olympics. And to top it off, your in-laws from the village are visiting exactly during that time, as they can't come any other time of the year because their old folks' work obligations, even though they're retired, won't let them stop working as a result of this country's crappy pension system?

*Goro(nodding): Yeah.

*Benimaru: That's what I like about you, big guy. You say so much with so little...

*Kyo: Cut the crap, Beni. We have a problem! Who are we supposed to take to KOF now? I was counting on Daimon.

Just then, Shingo bursts in, all excited (as usual):

*Shingo: KUSANAGI-SAAAAN!!

*Kyo: Tsk, I don't know how many times I have to tell you not to be so loud! So, did you bring the gift for my girlfriend that I asked you for, didn't you?

*Shingo: Here it is, sensei!

Upon hearing this, Kyo slaps the box that Shingo brought, sending its contents flying everywhere:

*Kyo: You call this chocolate candies?!? THIS IS CRAP!!

*Benimaru: Yeah, that box looked really tacky. Hurry up, go to the store and buy another box of candies.

*Shingo: But I've already been to 6 convenience stores, and those are the best ones they have! This is not fair, I'm sure Mr. Howard doesn't treat Mr. Kane that badly, and they're both mobsters!

*Kyo: Shingo, we don't have time for your stupid sh*t right now, okay? KOF is coming up, and we still need one more teammate.

*Shingo: WOW, does that mean...?

*Benimaru: Hey, what if we call your cousin from Tokyo? Doesn't your cousin from Tokyo know martial arts?

*Shingo: H-his cousin from Tokyo? But listen, I...

*Kyo(taking out his phone): Good idea, Beni, you've been quick on that one. [On the phone]: Hey, Souji? It's me, Kyo...I was wondering if you want to come with us to KOF this year...Oh, you can't because you have work? And what about cousin Aoi? She can't come either because it clashes with her university exams? Dammit, you guys are a disgrace to the family, man!

*Benimaru: Seriously, Kyo, they're the disgrace? Are you sure you're not the only Kusanagi who does nothing all year?

*Kyo: Nah, neither does my father, but we can't ask him because he's on another team...What bad luck, damn it!

*Shingo: Excuse me, can you listen to me for a moment? I've been trying to tell you that...

*Kyo: And what about Kogoro? Kogoro is learning Judo and he's old enough to go to KOF, he's already 5 years old.

Goro doesn't say anything, he simply shows three extended fingers on his right hand.

*Kyo: Right, he's too young. sh*t, I can't think of anyone else to ask, I'm drawing a blank.

*Benimaru: I know, let's ask that guy passing by over there.

Benimaru pointed at a random guy, and that's when Shingo couldn't take it anymore:

*Shingo: So you're literally going to ask ANYONE to go with you to KOF before me?!? My goodness, no wonder people call you "Japan Asshole Team," it's like you came in first, second, and third in a national championship of jerks!

*Goro: Hmph.

*Kyo(pissed off): What are you saying, Daimon? Shall we beat the crap out of him for running his mouth? It wouldn't be the first time either.

*Benimaru(pissed off): People call us "Japan Hero Team," handsome!

*Shingo: Sorry, I lost control... But I don't understand why you don't want me on the team. I was on the winning team in KOF '99, remember?

*Benimaru: Yes, you were fantastic as a striker and holding people's feet for the rest of us to beat the crap out of them.

*Shingo(half crying): I even participated in '97 as a Single Entry, that takes a lot of balls! Do I have to beg you on my knees to take me this year or what?

*Kyo: Shingo, you have to understand you're a fighter who is below average.

*Shingo: With all due respect, Kusanagi-san, I highly doubt you know the meaning of the word "average."

*Kyo: But I know that I just asked you to buy some chocolates for my girlfriend, and you can't even do that right! Instead of going to a convenience store, why didn't you go to a confectionery or something?

*Shingo: Because you didn't give me any money, I had to pay for them myself, and the convenience store is cheaper!

*Kyo: You see? As if I would take you to KOF, on top of being a lousy fighter, you're cheap!

*Benimaru: Very disappointing, Shingo, very disappointing!

*Kyo: You better pick up those chocolates from the floor and go buy another box, because now you're on probation! If Daimon and Benimaru agree, of course.

Thumbs up from Goro, and let's move on to the next scene.

And at the same time, in a bar in South Town, three people are reminiscing about some of the glorious feats of the Holy Warriors that starred in the previous fanfiction:

*Saisyu: Bunch of irresponsible and mentally retarded bastards! It's because of them that the agents from Hellsing kidnapped me, and I had to spend a fortune rebuilding my house!

*Heidern: You're not the only one. I had to set up another camp myself because the previous one was destroyed by the Sentry and by some cartoon guy and dog.

*Takuma: We prefer to call them "interdimensional terrorists from an ultraviolent world." It sounds less ridiculous. By the way, have you lost your accent?

*Heidern: Yes, I'm actually seeing a speech therapist, what's the matter? Instead of worrying about these trivial things, you should be a little ashamed, Takuma. You're one of them.

*Takuma: Ashamed? But they don't pay any attention to me. The closest thing we have to a leader is your daughter!

*Heidern: That's ridiculous. Leona doesn't hold any rank. She's not prepared to lead a platoon.

*Takuma: And yours is like her lieutenant or something.

*Saisyu: Yeah? Well, that just makes me want to go to KOF and kick their asses even harder! People who let themselves be led by a moron who hasn't even finished high school don't deserve anything else.

*Takuma: Wait a minute, I thought that issue had been resolved... Weren't the teachers supposed to guarantee Kyo's passing while he was busy saving the world?

*Saisyu: Because your supervillains beat them up and threatened them. But a couple of days ago, the school called me and said they would rather die than pass my good-for-nothing son just like that.

*Takuma: One disappointment after another, Saisyu, worse than me with my own kids. No wonder you formed this team just to get revenge.

Because, yeah, kicking your kid's ass in front of the TV "to teach him a lesson" is a motivation to go to KOF as good as any other. But what the Masters Team doesn't imagine is that the run-down bar they're in has hidden cameras, and right now they're being observed by Jack Turner, John Crawley, and Mr. Big (who is the owner).

*Mr. Big: sh*t, it had to be those 3 who showed up...

*Jack: Should we take care of them now, boss?

*Mr. Big: Jack, are you stupid or what's wrong with you? Can't you see that one of them is Mr. Karate? What if they end up taking care of us instead!

*John: Damn it, James, what a loser mentality! What if we have to fight against them in the tournament, what then?

*Jack: Besides, we gotta take advantage of this opportunity, right?

*Mr. Big: Nah, another one will come up, that's why we put up the sign that says "Free drinks by showing KOF invitations" at the entrance. Too bad it's precisely what attracts freeloaders like Mr. Karate.

*Jack: Who knows, it might even work with rich folks. Imagine if Geese walks in, wanting to drink for free?

*Mr. Big: Geese, always Geese! I'm sure they haven't forgotten to send him an invitation, unlike me every year!

*John: Well, Geese did invent KOF.

*Mr. Big: I don't care if Geese invented KOF, I'm tired of hearing that name! I already ruled this city when Geese was still a sperm in his father's balls!

*Jack: Damn, boss, you went too far there... It's not like you're that old or Geese is that young!

*Mr. Big: Okay, okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit. But you get what I mean, this year we're going to show the world that Mr. Big is still number one!

Chapter 3: Team Stories: Women Fighters, K'

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode at Illusion bar in South Town, with the founders of the woman team embracing radical feminism and once again demonstrating that they don't need no men:

* Mai (crying her heart out): AAAANDY!

* King: Mai, can you please calm down? You've been like this ever since you arrived...

* Mai: But it's always the same, King! I'm tired of the same thing happening every year! I just don't understand why Andy never wants to team up with me.

* Yuri: Well, I don't know, maybe because you get distracted thinking about nonsense and even Alice ends up kicking your ass?

* King: Yeah, thankfully you usually stay more focused during KOF. Just to make sure no sleazy woman steals your Andy, of course.

* Mai (enraged): That will NEVER happen, you hear me? If I have to kill, I'll kill, I don't care. After all, I'm a kunoichi trained in the art of assassination!

* Yuri: Whoa, whoa! Calm down, Mai, you're starting to remind me of Eiji Kisaragi.

* Mai: Besides, I'm convinced all kind of weird stuff will happen in this KOF. I don't know, call it women's intuition or something.

* King (laughing): Weird stuff? In KOF? C'mon, it'd be the first time in the history of the tournament!

* Mai: Yeah, no, I mean even weider! For starters, a few months ago Terry showed up at my house, saying he was helping some samurais save the world or something...

* Yuri: Yeah, my father is also involved in that. You can't imagine how peaceful it has been at home for almost a year.

* King: Oh, so you took the opportunity to hook up with Robert, huh? *Sighh* Too bad your brother is so uptight, and don't even get me started on Andy...

* Yuri: Can we stop talking about guys for a second? I don't know about you, but I'm going to KOF to try and win the prize money and have a good time with my friends.

Yeah, that's what she thought, but unfortunately her brother just entered Illusion and is heading straight to their table with a determined look on his face.

* Ryo: Hey King, hey Mai... Yuri, come home right now! We need to train!

* Yuri: Brother, what are you talking about?? I'll train when I feel like it, as if you were the captain of my team!

* Ryo: Well, you see, I actually am. Because Marco can't participate in this year's KOF, so you have no choice but to join the AOF Team with Robert and me.

* Yuri: WHAAAAAT?!? But I had already agreed to go with these two, I don't want to be on a team controlled by our annoying oto-san!

* Ryo (shrugging): That's how it is, at least this year he'll be on the Masters Team and won't bother us as much as usual.

* Mai: Hey, you can't just come here and take our friend away like that! At least solve this like the Bogard brothers!

* King: Yeah, with a FIGHT!

* Ryo: Don't be foolish, why fight each other when, regardless of the outcome, she'll have to come with me? The AOF Team is all we have to promote the dojo, and Yuri knows perfectly well that we need money, especially after what happened with that student...

* Yuri: The guy who insisted on being called Sue?

* Ryo: The guy who said he was gonna SUE us, Yuri! How couldn't you remember?

* King: Phew! Takuma hasn't heard about that, right?

* Ryo: Of course not, we haven't told him. Once he finds out, he'll have a fit.

So, as Yuri bids farewell to her friends with tears in her eyes, the two-thirds of the Team Women Fighters face a dilemma:

* Mai: Well, what do we do now? Who could we bring into the team?

* King: How should I know, Mai? The first one who comes in? There's no shortage of chicks who can throw punches here in South Town, girl!

* Mai: Wouldn't it be better if we started calling former teammates on the phone?

* King: Nah, no need for that. Heh, I wonder who will be the first to show up... Kasumi? Alice? Hinako?

* Mai: Hinako doesn't live in South Town.

* King: Neither do you, and yet here you are... Lenny Creston? Sinclair? B. Jenet?

* Mai: Hey, I don't want that slu*t on the team, you hear me?

* King: Hotaru? Tsugumi? Lilly? Athena, who I think is around here on a tour?

* Mai: King, give it up already! Real life doesn't work like that, no one is going to show up!

* King (looking at her watch): Maybe you're right, we've been waiting for almost a minute and a half already. Damn it, I'm so desperate right now that if Xiangfei comes in, I'll invite her to dinner. Or Dom Perignon, whatever is cheaper.

And just then, a familiar fighter entered Illusion, but no, it wasn't our favorite Chinese big eater (with all due respect to Mui Mui, of course):

* Blue Mary (greeting): HI!

* King: Holy sh*t, Mary, I'm so happy to see ya! We were just talking about you, right, Mai?

* Mai: Yeah, we need a teammate and you're the first one we thought of... Are you in?

* Blue Mary: Well, you see, I wasn't planning on participating in KOF this year. I only came because I had a date.

* King: With that lazy bum? So get ready to pay, because last time he left a hefty bill and he won't be running a tab anymore.

* Blue Mary: Nah, it's a business date, with a potential client. So if you don't mind, I'll sit at another table and wait for him, okay?

So, said and done, and after 10 minutes:

* Laurence (sitting at the table): Good evening, miss.

* Blue Mary: Wow, Laurence Blood! You're my client?

* Laurence: You recognized me without the matador outfit? Impressive detective skills, that's why I want to hire your services.

* Blue Mary: Well, there's a small problem...

* Laurence: Yes, some scammers are trying to swindle lord Krauser into organizing KOF! And you're going to help me gather evidence against them.

* Blue Mary: No, the problem is that I don't work for criminal organizations. At least knowingly.

* Laurence: But my lord Krauser...

* Blue Mary: He's just like Geese or Mr. Big, but with an aristocratic twist. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested.

* Laurence: Hmph, I should have known from the beginning. You're involved too.

* Blue Mary: Involved in what? What are you talking about?

* Laurence (slamming the table): You don't want to investigate because your f*ck buddy Terry is one of those scammers! It' obvious!

* Blue Mary: Terry...? Hey, wait a minute, who are the others?

* Laurence: Don't play dumb, you know perfectly well! The slu*t in shorts who pretends to be in the Special Forces, the nutjob who claims to be an 18th-century ninja, Japan's laziest brat, and that treacherous hooligan... Oh, and those two brainless supervillains who somehow became your friends!

* Blue Mary: Well, they do ring a bell...

* Laurence: Of course they do! When you see them, tell them I'm coming for them and I won't let them get away with it!

* Blue Mary: That was quite melodramatic, don't you think, Laurence?

* Laurence: Yes, and now I'm going to get up and leave even more melodramatically! We'll meet again, Miss Ryan!

And indeed, as soon as he said that, Laurence stormed out of Illusion, leaving Mary in deep thought.

* Blue Mary: Oh my goodness, Terry... What are you up to now?

* King: There's only one way to find out, isn't it?

* Blue Mary: Were you two eavesdropping on the conversation?

* Mai: Well, of course! Mary, wake up already. Who knows what kind of mess Terry is getting himself into! You'll have no choice but to come with us to KOF and keep an eye on him, just like I do with Andy.

* Blue Mary: But I believe men should be given freedom.

* Mai: Sure, and look how well that's working out for you! No, ma'am. It's the opposite. When you like a man, you have to stalk him day and night, completely strip away his will, and make him do everything you command.

* King: Don't listen to the Toxic Girlfriend meme here, okay? Do it out of professional curiosity instead, because it looks like weird stuff is gonna happen in this KOF.

* Mai: That's what I said earlier, and you laughed at me!

* King: But I've thought it over! [To Mary]: So, Terry is a scammer? Krauser is organizing the tournament? Doesn't that intrigue you?

* Blue Mary (thoughtfully): Well, actually, it does.

* King: So now we have a team! I mean, you can use us as an alibi to investigate KOF. Don't thank us, alright?

Meanwhile, in a supermarket somewhere (not relevant to the plot):

* Maxima: Hey, that's enough, Kula! Don't put any more ice cream into the cart!

* Kula: But Uncle Maxima...!

* Maxima: No "Uncle Maxima" or anything, can't you see they're starting to melt and dripping all over the floor? Goodness gracious, we've been here for 2 hours and all we've done is fill up the shopping cart with nothing but ice cream and sweets. We're never going to finish at this rate!

* K': I don't like that crap, buy some beef jerky or something for me.

* Maxima: Well, you go get it then.

* K': Tsk!

* Maxima: Hey, buddy, help out a bit, okay? I know it's not your fault being so lazy having the Kusanagi genes and all that, but you're taking it too far.

* K': Now that you mention it, I'm getting tired of walking. I might as well hop into the cart, and you can push me around.

* Maxima: You're not going to do that! K', how old are you?

* K': How am I supposed to know?

* Maxima: But you're over 14, right? So start maturing already because half the time it doesn't even seem like it!

* Kula: Uncle Maxima...

* Maxima: Whaaat?

* Kula: I froze the shopping cart into a giant ice ball, so now it won't melt, and we can roll it! Wasn't that a good idea?

* K': Yeah, f*cking brilliant. As if we didn't have enough people watching us...

* Maxima: K', what have I told you about using foul language in front of Kula?

* Kula: YAAAY, f*ckING BRILLIANT!

* Maxima: God, sometimes I wonder if I died during the operation to become a cyborg and now I'm in Hell...

Suddenly, they hear a strange voice behind them:

"Hey, you terrorists!"

* K': sh*t, just what we needed. Another idiot playing hero coming after us.

But when they turn around, they realize they couldn't be more wrong:

* Dr. Light: Well, look at that friendly K' over there! Remember me, don't you?

* K': Yeah, you're one of the losers Heidern hired to watch over the last KOF. Light or whatever.

* Maxima (scanning): And the ones with him are Electro and Rhino, also Class A metahumans. According to the FBI database, they belong to a supervillain group called "The Four dickhe*ds."

If you've read my previous fics ("KOF 2005" and "Amakusa's Revenge"), you'll know that, due to life's circ*mstances, these guys ended up becoming friends with the Protagonist Gang and helping them in their mission to try to save the world. That means they've been living together with Kim Kaphwan for almost a whole year and the past 2 weeks with the Ikari Warriors. By now, they should have rehabilitated and learned to peacefully coexist in society... Or have they?

* Rhino (cracking his knuckles): Who you callin' dickhe*ds, you buncha geeks? We're gonna wreck ya!

* Electro (sparking from his eyes): And in the middle of a crowded supermarket, full of people to put in danger, just the way we like it!

Said people, needless to say, have already started running away in terror as the electrical devices begin to explode and the fluorescent lights start flickering strangely. Max Dillon (AKA Electro) takes the opportunity to shoot lightning bolts towards K' and his gang:

* K' (taking cover): Well, it seems like our peaceful shopping day is about to be interrupted by a pointless fight.

* Maxima (equally): Thank God, "normality" with you two becomes unbearable!

* Kula: Hey, don't zap Uncle Maxima with electricity, it might f*ck up his microchips!

Said the girl as she created an ice shield in front of them, which only slightly melts when Max's lightning reaches it, but is completely destroyed when Maxima activates the chest cannon and fires through it his

"M-24 ATOMIC LASER (SDM)!!!"

Which logically has caused an impressive trail of destruction, sending everything in its path to hell, because if there's anyone in the SNK Universe who easily rivals the characters from Marvel and DC in terms of power levels, it's these guys.

* Maxima: Kula, please don't say "f*ck up"!

Unfortunately for them, once the smoke clears:

* Dr. Light: HAW HAW HAW! We called you "terrorists" just to annoy you, but look at the mess you've made.

* Rhino: They're even worse than us, right?

* Maxima: No, not at all! You started shooting beams like crazy, but before I fired, I made sure no one else was in the trajectory.

* K': And how is it that you guys are still standing?

* Electro: 'Cause me and Artie, we absorb energy. If you shoot us with a laser, we become stronger. And the Rhino is practically indestructible.

* Rhino: Less talk, it's time to beat the crap outta ya!

Moving surprisingly fast for a 400-kilo guy dressed as a rhinoceros, Aleksei M. Sytsevich (AKA Rhino) lunged at Maxima, grabbing him and smashing his head into the ground. Then he started applying pressure, whether to immobilize him or to squeeze his brains out through his ears (Rhino's such a brute it could be either one). And let me tell you, that's pretty frustrating for our favorite cyborg (he saw the attack coming but couldn't dodge it).

* Maxima (on the ground): AAARRGGHH! Having your brain work way faster than your body is a damn nuisance!

* Rhino: Yeah, that's what people must think when they pick you in KOF... Hehe, I wonder what you're gonna do now?

* Maxima: What am I gonna do now? [Pounds the ground]: BUNKER BUSTER!

BOOOOM! Maxima just shot up in the air amidst an explosion, breaking free from Rhino's grip. Then he came crashing down on him like a meteor, flames and all. But that's just tickling his opponent because the problem with these guys (at least when it comes to writing their fights) is that they're way too overpowered, even for American comic books.

* Dr. Light: Man, I thought you guys would entertain us more. What can we do to motivate you? I know, let's take hostages and start killing them!

* Kula: Is... Is he serious?

* Maxima: They're supervillains, it's the kind of thing they usually do.

* Kula: KULA WON'T LET YOU KILL ANYONE!!

You see, in KOF, there are some people who don't use their powers to the fullest because they're afraid of killing their opponents, and Kula is one of them. But that doesn't mean she doesn't have some badass cryogenic abilities. In fact, in KOF 2000, she was able to freeze an entire space station to destroy the Zero Cannon. So, it shouldn't be surprising that she has now frozen the air around her attackers and turned Electro and Rhino into giant ice cubes.

But not to Arthur Light (AKA Dr. Light), a guy used to fighting Superman and Flash.

* Dr. Light (teleporting behind her): Nice try, kid... But too slow!

* K': I can play that game too.

K' said, using what I think is his most powerful ability (not Pyrokinesis, but teleportation) and performing a Blackout that leaves him just a short distance from his opponent. Then, he delivers a flying kick in the form of a Minute Spike that, AGAINST ALL ODDS, connects and sends Light spinning into the shelves. It was at that moment that two other familiar faces showed up in the area:

* Clark: Test result: COMPLETE FAILURE.

* Ralf: We could have guessed it beforehand, right?

Needless to say, by now Electro and Rhino have already melted and burst the ice cubes they were trapped in:

* Electro (touching his neck): What have you done, taking away our powers in the middle of a fight? You sons of a biiiitch!

* Rhino (equally): At least you could have waited until Artie put up a force field or somethin'!

* Ralf: Screw it, shouldn't have said he was gonna start killing hostages.

* Dr. Light (bleeding on the floor): That was a joke, damn it! We were just playing around, as if we can't even have a bit of fun anymore!

* Ralf: Yeah, it starts off as a joke then you end up blowing up the whole supermarket. We know how it goes.

* Clark: That's why Heidern put those collars on you, because sometimes you go too far with your "jokes."

* K': Are you f*cking kidding me? Those collars they're wearing are to remotely neutralize their powers? Maxima, are you dumb or what's wrong with you? You shoulda hacked them!

* Maxima: Oops! I didn't realize that, honestly.

* K': And what are you military dumbasses doing here? Are you with them?

* Clark: You could say so... Light, get up from the ground already, what are you waiting for?

* Dr. Light: I can't, f*cking K' almost ripped my head off! He probably broke some vertebrae and now I'm going to need a different kind of collar.

* Ralf: Have you ever played KOF Allstars, Artie? Well, let me tell you, the idea of fighters using special moves against regular people without them ending up dead or seriously injured is just wishful thinking.

Damn right it's wishful thinking! Just one Special move like the Minute Spike would be enough to send any ordinary person to the hospital (and Light was lucky it didn't hit him directly). And as for the characters who use weapons, not even that, their regular moves would suffice.

* Dr. Light: Tell me something I don't know! I realized the physical difference between us when powerless and you guys the day we were at Takeshi's Castle.

* Clark: Stop complaining, you voluntarily accepted wearing those collars, didn't you?

* Rhino: Because that eyepatch Nazi told us it was either that or hit the road! And we want to help Leona and the others save the world!

* Electro: You're taking advantage of our debt of gratitude!

* Ralf: Yeah, but your behavior still sucks! Now you're with the Ikari Warriors, and we don't act like that!

* Maxima: Excuse me, did you use us as guinea pigs to see how these psychos would behave?

* Clark: Affirmative.

* K' (enraged): Well, it seems to me that Light won't be the only one ending up in the hospital, damn it!

* Ralf: Take it easy, K'. It wasn't that bad. In fact, most of the damage was caused by you guys.

* Clark (looking up at the ceiling): Bunker Buster in a confined space, what a tactical genius.

* Ralf: And besides, we also came to deliver your invitations to the KOF, on behalf of our Commander.

* K': Shove them up your ass because we're not going.

To which Ralf and Clark respond with a smirk that only increases K's desire to fry them alive:

* Clark: What did you say? I must have misheard. Are you refusing to do a favor for Heidern?

* Ralf: In that case, we'll have no choice but to turn you over to the police. And look, you can already hear the sirens...

* K': What the f*ck are you talking about? It was your supervillains who started the fight, we were just defending ourselves!

* Clark: Tsk, what a pity, such a beautiful supermarket destroyed by a bunch of terrorists...

* Ralf: Who don't even have any jobs, I wonder where the money to pay for their purchases came from...

* Kula: Uncle Maxima, when they send me to the reform school, will Foxy and Diana be able to visit me?

* Maxima (grasping the invitations forcefully): Alright, alright, you win! *Sighh* Heidern must be taking lessons from Amanda Waller because you're starting to resemble the Suicide Squad more by the day.

Chapter 4: Team Stories: Fatal Fury, Art of Fighting, Ikari Warriors

Chapter Text

We kick off today's chapter at Richard Meyer's Pao Pao Café in South Town, with a rather distinct tune playing on the jukebox:

"Just sixteen, a pick-up truck
Out of money, out of luck
I have no place to call my own,
I hit the gas and here I go"

* Terry: WOW, this song was written with me in mind, y'know? It's totally like my life!

* Richard: Well, I'm not so sure about that, Terry. Firstly, you're not sixteen.

* Andy: And you don't even have a pick-up truck.

* Joe: Also, that's Iron Maiden, right? Dunno, I think Country suits you more.

"I'm running free, yeah, I'm running free!
I'm running free, yeah, I'm running free!"

* Terry: Damn, you guys don't get me... Richard, get another round and put it on my brother's tab!

* Andy: Whaaat?!?

* Richard: Coming right up!

"Spent the night in a L.A. jail
Listened to the sirens wail
They ain't got a thing on me
I'm running wild, I'm running free...Yeah!"

* Terry: Don't look at me like that, Andy. Your girlfriend foots the bill anyway. You're no hard worker either.

* Joe: True, this guy is like a gigolo, living off women...But not sleeping with them!

* Andy: Haha, do I have to laugh? You know I moved in with Mai, and she forces me to have sex with her occasionally.

* Terry: "Forces me"? Well, no comment...

* Andy: Changing the subject, weren't we here to discuss our strategy for the next KOF?

* Joe: Strategy? What's that? Martial arts tournaments are all about getting in the ring with some dudes and kicking their asses.

* Terry: Listen to Joe here; he's won quite a bunch.

* Joe: Yeah, but Muay Thai tournaments. It'd be cool if we won KOF for once... 'Cause it's about time!

* Terry: Alright, guys, this time it's not just about winning; there's a bigger picture. This time it's about taking down Amakusa and saving the world.

* Andy: That's the mission you've been on for almost a whole year, right?

* Terry: Exactly, putting aside all my commitments and responsibilities... Serious business, y'know?

* Joe: But what commitments, Terry? You're a hobo! Heh, I'd love to know what you do when you're not "saving the world"...

* Terry: Well, you see, today I woke up at 11 in the morning. Rock made breakfast for me, and then I went to the arcade. Later, some guys I met on the street paid me 50 bucks to help them unload a truck full of beer bottles. I's planning to spend the money on burgers, but it turns out that Rock is working for Glovo, and they gave him some leftover food, so we sorted out our lunch with that. Afterward, I played basketball with the kids from the neighborhood, but a bunch of thugs showed up, and I had to teach them a lesson, and then...

* Joe: Hold on, I can already tell it's been quite a profitable day. Starting to understand the whole "Running free" thing, dude.

* Andy: Instead of that, why don't you tell us what you know about the tournament?

* Terry: I know that Chizuru and Krauser are organizing it, and we had to work hard to convince them. I heard there's gonna to be a team of samurais from the 18th century, maybe as sub-bosses or in some official invitation, because they fight with swords and are pretty tough. And I know about a few fighters who have to participate no matter what because we'll need them to defeat Amakusa according to that prophecy.

* Joe: Which fighters are those?

* Terry: Let's see, there's Kyo and Shingo, but I'm not sure if they'll be on the same team or separate. Takuma is also in, but I think he's teaming up with Saisyu instead of the AOF Team. Leona is going with the Ikari Warriors, and Kim is with the Korea Team. Oh, and your idiotic "brother-in-law", who couldn't care less about Amakusa, but he's gonna have to help us whether he likes it or not.

* Andy: Wait, are you telling me that Billy is going to KOF... without Geese's permission?

* Terry: Geese won't let him go to the bathroom without his permission, let alone help us. Who do you think is forcing him to assist us?

* Andy: Brother, this is really strange! Geese contributing to saving the world or doing something good in general? I can't believe it!

* Terry: If Amakusa destroys Humanity, he's going down too, right? Who knows, maybe that's why.

* Joe: I agree with Andy, there's something fishy going on here! Seeing Geese doing something without ulterior motives would be like seeing Richard and Bob actually learning to fight instead of flipping around like a bunch of pans...

* Richard: Joe, wanna get kicked out of here?

* Joe: Sorry, sorry!

* Terry: Alright, so maybe there's more to Geese cooperating with us. And in that case, tossing him off another skyscraper won't do (since it doesn't kill him), but at least he'll get a good beating... Are you with me or not?

* Joe: No need to ask!

* Andy: Till death, brother!

* Terry: *Sniff* I'm getting a lump in my throat...Richard, get another round, this one's on me with my 50 bucks!

And at the same time, in the Sakazaki dojo:

* Takuma: Alright, let's repeat this 69-move kata perfectly, and this time, I don't want any mistakes!

* Yuri (whispering): *Sigh* I bet the Fatal Fury crew is probably downing beers right now and will end up getting further than us in KOF...

* Takuma: Did you say something, Yuri?

* Yuri: Of course not, Dad!

* Takuma: Oh well, it seemed like you were implying that effort is pointless. Something unthinkable in the SNK Universe.

Upon hearing this, Yuri gives a look that says, "Phew, oto-san is really losing it," but she prefers not to argue:

* Yuri: Sure, sure, but we've been practicing katas for 7 hours straight. Could we take a little break?

* Takuma: Fine, just this once, and let it not set a precedent. We'll take a 2-minute break... But then we get back to serious training, alright?

* Robert: Master, you have no idea how much I regret not being able to convince my father to organize KOF. He's just too stubborn.

* Takuma: Don't blame yourself. At least you tried. "One who does their best is not obliged to do more."

* Robert: Are... Are you serious?

* Takuma: But of course NOT! This is Extreme Karate; forget anything other than pushing your limits! That's why we're going to win KOF this year!

* Yuri: And if not, we can always reopen the restaurant, right?

* Ryo: No way, that goes against the Kyokugenryu spirit! How many times do I have to tell you?

* Yuri: Oh, come on, Ryo! According to you, everything goes against the Kyokugenryu spirit, including eating every day!

* Robert: The barbecue chicken is so delicious, though...

* Takuma: Hey, enough arguing! The break is over, get back to training!

Meanwhile, in an improvised camp deep in the Amazon jungle:

* Dr. Light: Hey Kuraku, how long are we going to keep practicing survival maneuvers?

* Clark: Until you all learn not to rely so much on your powers.

* Electro (touching his collar): Wouldn't it be quicker to just take off these f*cking collars? Damn it, babe, how could ya let them do this to us?

* Leona: Don't look at me, it was my father's orders. I was against it.

* Ralf: It's was 'bout f*cking time if you ask me! Or do you think we're gonna let you go and fight the X-Men again just for fun?

* Rhino: It was just one time! It's not that big of a deal!

* Clark: And what about setting off an EMP in the middle of New York? Come on, now you're with the Ikari Warriors, so enough with the nonsense.

* Hanzo: On one thing they're right, Raito. Don't get mad at me for pointing this out, but without your powers, the 3 of you are useless.

* Dr. Light: Well, then they should give them back to us, damn it!

* Galford: But wouldn't it be better if you all took the opportunity to learn how to fight?

* Dr. Light: Yeah, sure, with swords!

* Haohmaru: And you also think learning everyday stuff like making fire is useless?

* Dr. Light: Oh, come on, Haoh! In the 21st century and having to rub two sticks together to make fire! We people from the Future don't need to know such things; we are at a much more advanced level.

* Haohmaru: When I warned you about almost wiping your butt with nettles, you didn't say that.

* Dr. Light: That's a different matter altogether!

* Ralf: Hey, enough complaining and more focus on survival! All this learning will come in handy when... NESTS crashes a satellite into the Earth!

* Rhino: Yer just makin' sh*t up on the spot, ain't ya?

* Ralf (holding back laughter): No, Rhino, I'm not. These things happen.

Alright, the next chapter kicks off with KOF, and here's the roster we'll have:

- Team Japan: Kyo, Benimaru, Shingo
- Team Fatal Fury: Terry, Andy, Joe
- Team Art of Fighting: Ryo, Robert, Yuri
- Psycho Soldiers: Athena, Kensou, Chin
- Ikari Warriors: Ralf, Clark, Leona
- Team Women Fighters: King, Mai, Mary
- Team Korea: Kim, Chang, Choi
- Team Yagami: Iori, Mature, Vice
- Team South Town: Geese, Billy, Yamazaki
- Team Masters: Takuma, Saisyu, Heidern
- CYS: Yashiro, Shermie, Chris
- Team K': K', Maxima, Kula
- Team Elisabeth: Elisabeth, Ash, Kukri
- Team China: Shun'ei, Meitenkun, Tung Fu Rue
- Team Big: Mr. Big, John Crawley, Jack Turner
- Ex-NESTS: Krohnen, Angel, Sylvie Paula Paula
- Team Official Invitation: Haohmaru, Charlotte, Hanzo

Chapter 5: Off to KOF we go!

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode on the commercial flight from South Town to Osaka, where a large number of participants from different teams seem to have coincided:

* Yamazaki: Gimme a potato chip!

* Billy: I ain't givin' you a potato chip!

* Yamazaki: Don't be a rat! Snakes eat rats!

* Billy: Watch out, or you might end up eating your own teeth, you jerk!

Meanwhile, in the seats next to them:

* Mai: Mary, what are you waiting for to go sit with them? Can't you see that if you don't watch over them, they'll start fighting?

* Mary: They can kill each other for all I care, they are no longer my team.

* Mai: Come on, go sit with them, so my Andy can sit here, okaaaay?

* King: Commercial flights don't work that way, Mai. This isn't the bus in your hometown; here, the seats are numbered.

* Yamazaki: GIMME A DAMN POTATO CHIP RIGHT NOW, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!

* Mary: Oh my goodness, they've been like this the whole trip... [To her former teammates]: Alright, you two, Shen Woo and Choi are in one car, who's driving?

* Billy: Pffft! How should I know, Mary? The cops?

* Yamazaki: GYAHAHAHA! Oh man, that's hilarious!

* Mary: Seriously, calm down already! This is all Geese's fault for not controlling you and leaving you 2 to your own devices.

* Billy: Yeah, as if the boss would bother flying with all this riff-raff plus Team Indigence...

* Joe: Don't call us "Team Indigence," bro-in-law!

* Billy (taking out the sansetsukon): Don't call me "bro-in-law," you retard!

* Mary: Put that away, you can't start fighting inside the plane!

* Billy: Yes, I can. It's in my bodyguard license.

* Yamazaki: It's unbelievable that Geese didn't want to take us on his private plane, huh, Mary? What a lousy teammate, we were better off with you.

* Billy: You can always join the women team, considerin' you have bigger boobs than Mai.

* Yamazaki: BILLY, ONCE WE LAND, I'LL BEAT YOU TO A PULP!

* Billy: NO, ONCE WE LAND, I'LL BEAT YOU TO A PULP FIRST!

* Mai: Aaaaandyyyy, they're making fun of my boobs, aren't you going to say anything?

* Andy (reading a magazine): What do I know, Mai, what do I know. It's better to ignore them.

* Terry: Yeah, learn from the Kyokugenryu folks; they're doing a great job of ignoring their lifelong enemies.

And indeed, a few seats ahead:

* Mr. Big: Da f*ck you lookin' at?

* Robert: Don't you remember? You kidnapped my girl!

* Takuma: What did you call my daughter?

* Robert: Sorry, sorry!

* Mr. Big: Yeah, okay, sh*t happens... But that's nothing compared to the motherf*ckers who want to destroy humanity!

* Chris: Who, us?

* Jack: Yeah, you, the destructive cult! The nerve of this demon child!

* Shermie: What cult, what are you talking about? We're just humble rockers.

* Yashiro: And I'm the most handsome and best fighter in all of KOF!

* Shermie: Well, Yash is not exactly "humble"... but you get what I mean, right?

* Ryo: Do you think we don't know what you did in '97? Not all of us were in the Final, but walls have ears.

* Yashiro: Wasn't it "The Hills Have Eyes"? Or am I outdated?

* Chris: Anyway, you can't prove anything. So we can't care less.

* John: Yeah? Well, just so you know, you are on our blacklist, you Hakkeshu bastards!

To which Yashiro and Shermie respond, laughing their heads off:

* Yashiro: But that's not because we're Hakkeshu, it's because we beat you up and stole your invitations, right?

* Shermie: Which you guys had just stolen from the USA Sports Team. What surprises me is that you're still going to KOF.

* Mr. Big: Tough luck! In the end, we got our own invitations! Krauser is a good mate, pretty much unlike G...

* Billy (yelling from afar): Watch your mouth when you talk about Geese! You're the one on our blacklist, you bald-headed f*ck!

* Mary: (Oh my, this KOF is going to be a mess!)

But against all odds the flight to Osaka goes almost incident-free (which is miraculous when dealing with SNK characters who can't even go around the corner without getting into at least 6 fights). So as the KOF participants arrive at the hotel reception where they will be staying, the following exchange takes place:

* Kyo: Hey, lackey, is this where we show the invitations? What room did they give to the stars of Team Japan?

* Receptionist: Room 409, you conceited f*ck.

* Kyo: Pffft! It's Dr. Light, isn't it? Yeah, it must be Dr. Light hiding his face with holograms or something. No one from the Organization would talk to me like that.

* Shingo: Doc, you're joking about putting us in Room 409, right? That number gives us Japanese the creeps.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light (handing over a key): Here, this is the one you actually got assigned. Impressive how quickly you recognized me.

* Kyo: You'll be even more impressed when Heidern finds out you're here snooping around and doing a job you weren't assigned.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: And how do you know, huh, punk?

* Kyo (laughing): I don't know, but I can imagine it.

* Shingo: Hey, have you noticed that Kusanagi-san and Mr. Nikaido let me join their team this year? Aren't you happy for me?

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Considering that those jerks are making you carry all their suitcases? Well, I don't know, kid...

* Shingo: B-but they don't do that because they're jerks, it's just...

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: You three don't even need luggage, coming from Osaka! If you need clothes, just change at your home!

* Benimaru: Yeah, right, I'm going to my house to change clothes! Oh boy, as clueless as ever, Light!

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Look, I was about to make a comment about how "metrosexual" you are, but I just lost interest after meeting a guy named Ash.

* Shingo: Ash? Who's Ash?

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: One who hangs out with that rude Eli, who treated us poorly when we were at her place.

* Kyo: Well, Light, see you later. We're heading up... Come on, Shingo, let's go!

* Shingo: Ouch! Don't slap me, Kusanagi-san!

So Light registers our friends from Team Japan, and the next ones who show up there are Shun'ei and Meitenkun:

* Shun'ei (showing the invitations): Hey there! Is here where we need to register to participate in KOF?

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: I can't believe you're participating in KOF dressed like that. KOF participants usually have more style! Tell me the truth, did you steal the invitations?

* Meitenkun: ZZZZZZ... Even if we stole them... ZZZZZ... you still have to register us.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Is your buddy on drugs?

* Shun'ei: No, that's just how he is. Please, register us already; we're in a hurry.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: NO! I only register people I know, and I don't know you guys! Besides, I don't like your style, and your buddy is on drugs!

* Shun'ei: We are Team China!

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Lies! Team China consists of the drunkard, the friend-zoned guy, and that girl who sings so badly! You guys are just troublemakers tarnishing the good name of the tournament, and... Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Howard. It's a pleasure to see you here. I hope you had a pleasant flight and enjoy your stay at the Ritz-Carlton Osaka.

Indeed, Geese, Ripper, Hopper, Hein, and at least 20 more guys just appeared, looking so much like gangsters that it's not even funny.

* Geese: I don't know, it doesn't seem Japanese enough to me. Listen, Light...

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Holy sh*t, you recognized me too?!?

* Geese: Due to the bootlicking. Look, we've reserved the entire top floor for the Howard Connection, so as soon as Billy and Yamazaki arrive...

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Shall I send them up there?

* Geese: Depending on how they behave, if you see that they're sticking to their usual antics, tell them to stay in the suite assigned to them by the Organization.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: You're gonna get bored without them, Mr. Howard.

* Geese: Possibly, but what can we do? Well, that's it, Light, we'll see each other later. Oh, and let these kids in, after all, they're with my former Master.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Whatever you say, Mr. Geese!

And once the Howard Connection entourage leaves:

* Shun'ei: So you put all sorts of obstacles in our way and then practically kiss the asses of these mobsters? I'm filing a complaint!

* Meitenkun: ZZZZZZ... He didn't even ask for... ZZZZZZ... their invitations.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Come on, you beggars, haven't you seen their gold medallion, Rolex watches, and luxury cars?

It was right at that moment when Clark left his observation post and decided to intervene:

* Clark: Light, I'm about to hit you with an Ultra Argentine Backbreaker. You're lucky electricity doesn't affect you, or I would have shocked you through that collar! What are you doing collecting invitations? That's a job for the guys from the Organization.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Yeah, but I was bored, so I told them that...

* Clark (enraged): Get out of there right now and let someone sane handle the team registrations!

* Haohmaru: Can I do it? Can I do it?

* Clark: Where did you come from? Alright, go ahead, I don't think you can do any worse than Light.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: But can this guy write?

* Shun'ei: So, should I give the invitation to the guy with the long hair, or...?

Naturally, our friend doesn't even have time to finish that sentence before Haoh draws his katana and drives it violently into the ground right in front of him:

* Haohmaru: GREETINGS, I AM HAOHMARU! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SWORD DUEL. TO ENTER THE INN, YOU'LL HAVE TO KILL ME OR I WILL KILL YOU!

* Clark: Dammit! Haoh, you're coming with me too. KOF doesn't work like this.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Besides, Bellamy is waiting to interview you, remember? Go freshen up, you wouldn't want to keep him waiting...

Chapter 6: Round of Interviews

Chapter Text

Still at the Ritz-Carlton Osaka and continuing the sequence from the previous episode, Clemence Bellamy (along with his cameraman) is eager to interview a participant never seen before in KOF:

* Bellamy: Mr. Haohmaru, Mr. Haohmaru... Could we ask you a few questions, please?

* Haohmaru: Does it matter that I've been hitting the sake since 8 in the morning?

* Bellamy: For being on TV? Of course not.

* Haohmaru: Well then, go ahead! Hey, what an unusual skin tone, are you related to Darli Dagger by any chance?

* Bellamy: What? Well, let's start the interview... Do you have any experience participating in martial arts tournaments?

* Haohmaru: Actually, I've only participated in one organized by Yosh*tora. [In Samurai Shodown VI]

* Bellamy: Yosh*tora? Who's that?

* Haohmaru: Yosh*tora Tokugawa, you've never heard of him?

* Bellamy: Sounds like a terrible shogun from the Tenmei era.

Despite the considerable time they've spent in our era, the Samurai Shodown crew has never bothered to consult any history books or the like, so our friend reacts surprised to such a revelation:

* Haohmaru: Don't say that, Mr. Yagyu will be very upset! And besides, you're mistaken, Yosh*tora will be a great shogun, you'll see!

* Bellamy: Well, changing the topic a bit...As Captain of the Official Invitation Team, don't you find it somewhat unfair to directly fight the Finalists?

* Haohmaru (laughing): Yeah, unfair for the other teams, because if they had to fight us from the beginning, they wouldn't even make it alive to the Finals.

* Bellamy: Quite an arrogant comment, don't you think?

* Haohmaru: It's just that we're into fighting to the death, but since you can't do that in KOF...

* Bellamy: Alright, so what are your reasons for participating in the tournament?

* Haohmaru: To send this message... Hey Amakusa, are you listening? Just so you know, we're coming for you!

* Bellamy: Hey, don't hit the camera!

However, ignoring the warning, Haoh positions himself right in front of it and continues his speech loudly and quite angrily:

* Haohmaru: Do you think it's alright what you've done to Hanzo? Possessing one of his descendants, not to mention the other one you killed? Once we find you, we're gonna kick your and Ambrosia's asses right back to Hell!

* Bellamy: Hey, don't use the tournament to threaten people! [To the cameraman]: Cut! Cut already!

Indeed, they do just that, and once they've ended the broadcast:

* Haohmaru: Hey, do you think he saw it? I mean Amakusa...

* Bellamy (shrugging): If he hasn't seen it already, he will. AMBC plans to replay each interview at least 50 times.

But let's not jump the gun and for now, let's head over to Sky Noah, since someone who is actually in front of the TV and watching AMBC right now is our dear Adelheid Bernstein:

* Adelheid: Look at that co*cky ronin, he's finally pulled it off. I wonder who was foolish enough to set up a KOF for them.

* Rose (entering): Brother, something really big has happened! When you find out, you're going to be amazed!

* Adelheid: What, has the panther caught fleas, or are they planning to serve spam canapés at the Bilderberg Club party?

* Rose: Why do you always assume whatever I tell you is some posh nonsense? Anyway, you'd never guess it, it's better if you see it... Dad, you can come in now!

* Adelheid: Wait, did you say... "dad"?!?

* Rugal (entering): TADAAAAAA!!!

* Rose: So, big brother, how stunned are you? Isn't this the happiest day of your life or what?

* Rugal: Hey Adel, why don't you come give your father a hug?

Naturally, the aforementioned doesn't even react at first, he remains dumbfounded for a full 10 seconds:

* Adelheid: Because I'm in utter shock! Dad, can you please tell me where the hell you've come from?!?

* Rugal: I was inside Verse, it's a long story.

* Adelheid: And why is your hair white? Weren't you blonde before?

* Rugal: Because I died in my Orochi form and I've been resurrected just like that, do you have more questions?

* Adelheid: Well, actually...

* Rugal (approaching the TV): Hey, look! Isn't that KOF?

* Rose: Oh please, a KOF that isn't organized by the Bernstein family can't even be called a proper KOF.

* Rugal: Look at my secretaries teaming up with that weirdo Yagami! A peaceful death is no longer an option. The moment you return, you find everything turned upside down!

* Adelheid: Dad, that's not important right now! You have a thousand things to explain to me, like...

* Rugal: ... Whether I'm going to retire and leave you in charge of the business, slowly turning it into a legitimate enterprise, like you've been doing? While I play golf instead of... I don't know, beating up the world's most powerful fighters only to turn them into statues later?

* Adelheid: That's not going to happen, right?

Asked Adel with a pitiful and somewhat resigned expression as his old man let out a wicked laughter that echoed throughout the room:

* Rugal: Forget about it!

Back at the Ritz-Carlton Osaka, we resume the round of interviews:

* Iori: Shut up, don't meddle in what's none of your business! Or do you want to die?

* Bellamy: But I just asked if you're ready for KOF!

* Mature: Sweetie, let us answer, we totally excel in Public Relations.

* Iori: Even though you're dead and all?

* Bellamy: W-what did you say?!?

* Mature: Never mind that... Hey handsome, what do you do in your free time?

* Vice: How do you plan to spend the money the network pays you?

* Mature: Is there any participant who has caught your interest?

* Bellamy: Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here!

* Vice (with a crazy look): But you always ask the same crap! I feel like breaking every bone in your body for being so annoying!

* Iori: Tsk, thank goodness you're so great at Public Relations... Alright, let's go, the interview is over!

So, the Team Yagami exits the scene, at which point Bellamy can't help but sigh in relief:

* Bellamy: Phew, probably for the best... Well, who should we interview now?

* Cameraman: How about Kukri?

* Bellamy: No, I can assure you Kukri is out of the question! Let's try to find someone who isn't rude, pretentious, or says really weird stuff, and who doesn't want to beat us up, okay?

* Cameraman: Here comes Angel's team. I call it that because she's the most normal one.

* Bellamy: Well, if Angel is the most normal, then we're in trouble!

In response, the cameraman shrugs, observing the other fighters currently in the hotel lobby:

* Cameraman: Yeah, but it's either that or interviewing the Ikari Warriors, who are always on some super-secret mission and never answer anything.

* Bellamy: No way, that'll cost us viewers! [Approaching the Ex-NESTS members]: Excuse me, could I ask you a few questions? Long time no see at KOF, Mr. K many 9s...

* Krohnen: You mean "Krohnen," right?!?

At that moment, Bellamy takes a post-it note from his jacket pocket with a small list of things the network has told him not to say, including the words "K9999," "NFT," and "Saudi Prince." [Note: "KOF XV matchmaking" should also be on here, but whatever...]

* Bellamy: Of course, you're right, my apologies! Well, could you tell us where you've been all this time?

* Krohnen: Hunting down NESTS jerks out there.

* Bellamy: NESTS, the criminal organization? I thought they had disappeared.

* Angel: Nope, now they're into mutilating people in accidents they cause themselves and giving them superpowers by replacing lost body parts with transhuman crap.

* Sylvie: Hehehe!

* Bellamy: You really find that funny?

* Angel: Don't pay any attention to this pendeja, she came out defective. We were gonna toss her, but at least she's good for charging our cellphones.

Meanwhile, watching this live from one of the remaining secret NESTS bases:

* Igniz (pointing at the screen): Those are my prototypes! I want them back NOW!

* Krizalid: Igniz, don't be so childish.

* Zero: You're 50 years old, for heaven's sake.

* Igniz: I WANT THEM, AND I WANT THEM NOW! And you all just shut up. If it weren't for me, you'd still be working at damn Burger King!

* Zero: And we appreciate it, but...

* Igniz: No ifs or buts. When your god gives you an order, you obey it, period! I want those 3 back, and K', Kula, and Maxima too... Do you have any idea how many millions it cost us to create them? They have no right to roam free out there!

* Krizalid: So what's the plan, retrieve them and have them work for NESTS again? But they hate us to death!

* Igniz: That can be fixed through conditioning.

* Krizalid: You mean "torture"?

* Igniz: Krizalid, are you that dumb or did the rock that Clone Zero threw at you leave you with psychic damage? Of course, it means "torture," don't ask obvious questions!

* Zero: I don't know, maybe we should stop treating our operatives like that. Maybe that's why they turn against us.

* Igniz: Don't be so soft. Aren't we trying to create a new Human Race? Well, to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs.

* Zero: Right, so we'll keep creating guys with superpowers to destroy other guys with superpowers that we created before. That's working out so well for us.

* Krizalid: Shall we start with the Anti-anti-anti-K' Project, or how's that going?

* Igniz: What did you say? Let me remind you that I've been in charge of NESTS since the old man died.

* Krizalid: Because you killed him.

* Igniz: And don't forget, we're aboard a spacecraft orbiting Earth. If you two don't like the way I do things, you can get off now!

Chapter 7: First Fights

Chapter Text

Back in the hall of the Ritz-Carlton Osaka, our KOF Champion and favorite NEET seem to be facing a little setback:

* Kyo: Hey Light, can you believe that Shingo lost one of my suitcases? This guy is getting dumber by the day, I swear I'm gonna kick his ass...

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Oh man, in what universe can they consider you a hero and a role model? I just can't wrap my head around it!

* Kyo: Less envy, more helping me find that suitcase, alright?

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: I'm just pretending to work here, dammit! Go ask at the Reception desk!

* Kyo: No, I think he lost it earlier. I bet he left it at the doorstep when we got into the taxi.

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: So, what am I supposed to do? Teleport to your house to get the f*cking suitcase?

* Kyo (shrugging): Your call. The other option is bugging my mom...

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Tsk, you're taking advantage of how much I like her! Fine, wait a moment. First, I have to go take care of a very important errand for Geese.

* Kyo: Seriously, Light, they're stealing my suitcase! Geese already has enough minions and he doesn't need more!

But ignoring him, Light approaches Billy and Yamazaki, who have just arrived:

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Okay, guys, there's something...

* Billy: Hey Artie, long time no see!

* Yamazaki: Been rapin' a lot lately?

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Honestly, you two recognized me as well? I've been using holograms to conceal my face all day, how the f*ck is this even possible?

* Billy: 'Cause regular blokes don't come near us, they think we're gonna bash their heads in for a laugh or two.

* Yamazaki (loudly): Hey Bellamy, why don't you come here and interview us?

* Bellamy (from afar): Because at the very least, you'll make me shine your shoes with my tongue, and at worst, you'll beat the crap out of me!

* Yamazaki: The f*ck you saying? Can't hear you, come closer!

* Bellamy: I'm trying to say that...

* Yamazaki: SHAAAAH!

Remember that since KOF XIV, the EX version of Hebi Tsukai can be used to stretch the arm to almost half the screen's distance and grab people by the skull, which is exactly what just happened to poor Clemence:

* Bellamy: S-sh*t, how did I fall for this? I never learn, damn it!

* Yamazaki: Tell the cameraman to come and do an interview. C'mon, this time we won't f*ck you up.

* Billy: Well, if the TV's coming, I'm out.

* Yamazaki: Why?

* Billy: 'Cause you're gonna spout your lunatic sh*t, and me sister might be watching this.

* Yamazaki: Dog, don't bail on me. If you leave, it's gonna get worse!

* Billy (walking away): How could it get worse? Don't you even mention me, you crazy bastard!

* Bellamy: Well, here live with Ryuji Yamazaki from the Outlaw...sorry, from the South Town Team. Mr. Yamazaki, what are your thoughts on...?

* Yamazaki: Shut your trap for a sec, I've got a question for you: Why does TV always censor our fights?

* Bellamy: Uh, because of excessive violence, right?

* Yamazaki: Excessive violence my ass, people love KOF because of the violence! It's actually the other way around, there should be more of it!

* Bellamy: Well, if you s-say so... ((Good lord, why is this guy talking on TV when he's wanted in so many countries, including Japan?!?))

* Yamazaki: In KOF, they should allow killin', I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that!

* Bellamy: Well, actually, with Mr. Haohmaru, it makes two today.

* Yamazaki: 3 counting Billy, who's been bragging the whole way about offin' a lot of people back when he was the South Town Champ...

But Yamazaki can't finish that sentence because Billy has just approached him from behind and smacked him on the head with the sansetsukon:

* Billy (enraged): What the f*ck did I just tell you?!?

* Yamazaki: GYAHAHAHA! Weren't you gone? NOW YOU'RE GONNA PAY!

So, he tries to jab Billy in the nose, but Billy parries it with the sansetsukon, splitting it into its three sections and landing two solid blows to Yamazaki's face. This seems to rile up Yamazaki, because as soon as he spots an opening, he flings Billy against a column with that C+D-style kick he's got now, then follows up with a pretty intense axe kick. And in the background, Light just calmly says:

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Guuys, please...

At this point, Billy has gotten up after taking a few stomps on the ground and is pushing Yamazaki back with consecutive hits from the stick in a straight line (I remember this being called the Renhakon, since '98 I think he hasn't had this move) without caring at all about pushing him into the people passing by. Someone who does seem to care, though, is Ralf, who's been observing this whole unfortunate scenario from the staircase:

* Ralf (over the radio transmitter): Artie, break up the fight!

* Receptionist/Dr. Light (over the radio transmitter): But you know these two, they're always like this... Just a bit of playful roughhousing, nothing serious!

Light said without taking it too seriously, not even when Billy pulled off a Dai Senpuu SDM, turning the stick into a handful and sending Yamazaki flying through the air in flames, along with a few customers passing by and some of the furniture. He didn't flinch much either when a bunch of people ran out of the hotel bar in panic, though he at least turned his head to see what was happening:

* Iori: THIS TIME YOU'RE GONNA DIE, KYO, I'M GONNA BURN YOU ALIIIIVE!!!

* Kyo: Yagami, what's wrong with you? The place is packed, do you want to end up in jail?!?

But he already took out Mature and Vice in '96 and nothing happened to him, so why would killing his rival in front of a bunch of witnesses be any different? So, he quickly launches a Yamibarai, although unfortunately for him, Kyo saw it coming and counterattacked with a RED Kick right in the face, followed by a few punches and a kick to the chest:

* Kyo: Why don't you get a life, get a girlfriend or something? You're obsessed with me, no wonder there's so much Yaoi about us!

* Iori: Just for bringing that up, I'll brutally kill you!

Next thing Kyo does as his foe comes charging is instinctively block, but Iori anticipated that reaction. So, instead of clocking him, he grabs his jacket and chucks him the other way, then proceeds to dish out a couple of punches from his rekka, sending his adversary soaring with the second blow and catching him mid-air with a Yaotome DM (which means a surprise barrage of scratches finishing in a purple-colored fire explosion):

* Kyo (bleeding on the ground): Look at my clothes now, seriously, when are you gonna trim these nails?

* Iori: GRRRRR!

But even though Yori would never admit it out loud, he didn't like anyone making fun of the traditional Yasakani fighting style. Perhaps that's why, when he rushed to finish off his enemy, he didn't see Kyo's Oniyaki coming, which sent him flying behind the counter, smashing a bunch of bottles in the process:

* Kyo (left hand ablaze): EAT THIS!

And well, you probably don't need me to spell out what went down next. Nah, I reckon we can all paint that picture...

* Ralf (over the radio): Artie, there are 4 guys duking it out and wrecking everything right in front of your eyes... Are you going to do something already, or why the f*ck did we bring you here?

* Receptionist/Dr. Light (over the radio): But what can I do? We're on TV!

Naturally, keeping their identities hidden to avoid retaliation from the various factions they've pissed off is a priority that Heidern has imposed on the supervillains, and setting off an EMP is also not a recommended option. Fortunately, our ex-yakuza friend just pulled off Drill level 3 by grabbing the cameraman's leg and smashing him into Billy with the camera and all, which immediately cuts off the broadcast:

* Receptionist/Dr. Light: Nice one, Yamazaki, WELL DONE!!

So, seizing this opportunity, Light has just teleported the... let's call them "troublesome costumers" to the Security Center of the hotel (you know, the room where they have monitors to observe the cameras in closed circuit, except the usual security personnel have been temporarily replaced by a couple of agents from the Ikari Warriors). Max and Rhino are also there, taking the chance to greet Kyo and Billy, and also incidentally Yamazaki (not Iori, because they don't know him personally):

* Rhino: WOW, what a great fight, champs! Highlight of the week!

* Electro: Hey, why is the fire alarm going off?

At this point, Light has already discarded the holographic camouflage and is back to his usual appearance:

* Dr. Light: Because this brat just unleashed an Orochinagi on a shelf full of bottles! Now we'll have to call the fire department, can you imagine how mad Heidern is going to get?

* Yamazaki: Geez, but weren't you the guys who almost destroyed South Town last year? Since when did you become such pansies?

* Dr. Light: It's... a long story.

* Electro: Dudes, I still don't understand how KOF works, but setting the hotel on fire won't get you disqualified or somethin'?

* Kyo: Pffft, come on, Max, don't talk nonsense! I'll just phone Chizuru right now to tell her that Yagami has a few screws loose and that's why the hotel bar is a disaster area.

* Iori: That's not exactly how it happened!

* Kyo: Yeah, but with you, she'll be more understanding... Otherwise they'll make my dad pay for the damages.

* Iori: What do you mean, your dad? Don't you have the prize money from last KOF? Ugh, I don't even know why I bother... Count your lucky stars, Kyo, because next time I'll kill you!

* Kyo: Sure thing, Yagami, suuuure...

* Billy: Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out, you red-readed prick!

Iori was about to leave, but those last 2 comments made him turn around:

* Iori (flaring flames from his hands): What did you say, you wretched scum?!?

* Dr. Light: Errrr... Forget it, don't hold it against them. Oh, and most importantly, forget you saw the three of us, otherwise we might have to kill you.

* Electro: And Billy wants to do it on his own.

* Dr. Light: Shut up, we're supposed to be here to keep an eye on KOF, not to get involved in personal vendettas.

* Iori (looking at the supervillains): Tsk, more wretched scum. I don't care what you do, but don't cross my path. Or else, I'll give you something to remember me by every time you look at the moon.

And with that said, Yagami walks away without looking back, leaving Rhino wanting to point out something:

* Rhino: And I'll give ya something to remember me by every time you watch rhinos on TV! [To Kyo and Billy]: You were right, that guy's a jerk.

* Kyo: I told you, didn't I? Although well, you also threatened to kill him.

* Dr. Light: But we have an excuse, remember that SHIELD, Dr. Doom, the X-Men, and the Avengers are all after us... Oh, and what happened with that suitcase in the end?

* Kyo: They brought it to me already, some random guy saw us leaving it on the street, grabbed it, and chased after the taxi on a bicycle. We Japanese are like that.

* Dr. Light: You're Japanese and I can't imagine you doing that. Let alone Yamazaki.

* Kyo: So, as I head to the bar to have a drink to celebrate it, I run into you-know-who looking for the Smoking Area... Man, what a pain in the ass!

* Billy: Hey, supervillains, what's that sh*t you're wearing around your necks?

* Electro: This? It's the collars Heidern slapped on us to nullify our superpowers from a distance.

* Billy: What?!? Holy sh*t, lads, KOF is about to start! This is a terrible time to be under mind control or to have turned into f*cking morons!

* Dr. Light: And when is a good time for that? But let it be clear, we're not under mind control.

* Yamazaki: Then it must be the other thing! Because seriously, if I had your superpowers, I'd be killing and raping all day long.

* Billy: The Ikari Warriors have brainwashed you! Damn, if I had Heidern right here, I'd rip him a new one!

And to give more emphasis to that statement, he just kicked one of the surveillance monitors, much to Light's total indignation.

* Dr. Light: Billy, are you crazy or what's wrong with you?!? We can use our superpowers right now, pull that again and I'll put you in a force field!

* Billy: Yeah, and what's gonna happen when you can't? Even the biggest loser in KOF is gonna kick your arses!

* Electro: He's got a point there, right, Artie?

* Billy: Take advantage of the fact that they're not working right now to destroy them, damn it! And then let's see if Heidern has the balls to say anything!

* Electro: We can't do that!

* Billy: Why not?

* Electro: 'Cause we made a deal with him! You see, the Ikari Warriors are using his technology to hide us. If not, SHIELD could trace us through our energy transmissions.

* Billy: Sure, and what about the Rhino?

* Rhino: All I want is to help, just like you all helped me. It's tough being without powers, but it's worth it.

* Kyo: Well, I don't see it that bad. Remember, these three were out of control? Attacking the X-Men, releasing EMPs in the middle of New York and all that...

* Billy: In order to help us!

* Kyo: Yeah? And how the hell does that help us? It would be different if they had found Amakusa, but they didn't find sh*t!

At this point, Kyo and Billy are staring at each other in a way that they could start throwing punches at any moment (you know how people with fire-based powers are, short-fused). But fortunately, Ralf and Clark have just arrived before any of this happens:

* Clark: All civilian personnel, please clear the area!

* Ralf (handing them forms): And don't forget to sign the papers saying that Iori was to blame for the fire.

And once Kyo, Billy, and Yamazaki leave:

* Dr. Light: WOW, what a scam! Because actually...

* Ralf: Look, just ignore it. Yagami gets special treatment because of the Riot of the Blood.

* Clark: And next time, try to be quicker in stopping the fights. I mean, for a guy who can move at the speed of Light, I've seen faster.

Chapter 8: I will have my harem no matter what

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode under the tent of a shabby circus, where Yuri has just performed a triple somersault from the trapeze, gracefully crowning a human pyramid composed of Athena, Leona, Mai, Kula, and Shermie, much to the delight of the audience. Meanwhile, the Ringmaster shouts through the megaphone:

"A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MISS SAKAZAKI, WHO HAS FOOLISHLY PUT HER LIFE ON THE LINE!"

* Mai: This circus is so disgusting! I'm utterly fed up with it!

* Athena: Girls, it's not that bad...

* Yuri: Says the one who can fly! Athena, that trapeze is nearly 10 meters high!

* Kula: They won't make us go through the fire hoop again, right? Kula hates fire!

* Shermie: Well, at least it seems like the audience is happy... What do you think, cousin?

* Leona: Don't call me "cousin". And to be honest, I don't understand the purpose of this mission.

* Ringmaster: Come on, hurry up, we're wasting time! To the lion's cage!

* Athena: But... what kind of circus is this? Lion acts are outdated!

* Ringmaster: Enough with the modern talk and take the whip, you'll need it!

To which Shermie responds by grabbing the Ringmaster by the balls and starting to squeeze:

* Shermie: And you'll need a complete co*ck reconstruction if you force us to harm any poor little animal! We might need the money, but...

* Mai: Hey, are we getting paid? I thought we were doing this to help Athena with her Idol career.

* Kula: I just wanted to come to the circus, since K' and Maxima never take me anywhere!

* Yuri: What the hell are we doing here?

* Ringmaster (wiping sweat): U-upon further consideration, let's set aside the wild beasts and move on to the highlight of the evening, the escapism act! During this act, our 6 lovely ladies will defy death, chained and buried up to their necks in the sand of a beach as the tide rises!

To which Mai responds, filled with indignation:

* Mai: Have you lost your mind? WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT!

So 5 minutes later, chained and buried up to their necks in the sand on a beach as the tide rises:

* Athena: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

* Mai: Spare us the complaints, this is all your fault! Miss "Desire for the Spotlight"!

* Yuri: Do one of your "telepooortos" and get us out of here already!

* Athena: I can't, do you think I haven't tried? I don't know what's going on, but something is blocking my psychic powers!

* Kula: Want me to freeze the water?

* Shermie: Sure, freeze the water that's already up to our necks! So it can turn into shards!

* Leona: Come to think of it, decapitation is much quicker than drowning...

* Mai: Really? That's some ace up our sleeve, I don't know how you can be so calm!

* Leona: ...But let's try other options first, like trying to reason with this guy...Hey, what's your deal? Why are you doing this to us?

To which the aforementioned responds, approaching them like a mysterious villain, his face unseen:

* Ringmaster: I have no idea what you're talking about. The show must go on.

* Leona: What show, when there's no audience? We're not even in the circus anymore.

* Ringmaster (pointing to the sky): That helicopter up there is capturing everything. We're broadcasting live to the entire world!

* Leona: ...

* Leona: A second ago that helicopter wasn't even there.

Leona was about to say something else, but a wave just violently struck the heads of our heroines:

* Ringmaster: Oh, so you believe I'm doing this out of sadism? Nah, I'm doing it for the money, just like normal people!

* Mai (spitting water): You jerk! When my Andy finds out, he's going to kick your ass!

* Ringmaster: Ah yes, your big handsome heroes... Well, look, there they are!

And so it is, because half a mile away, we see Andy, Robert, Kensou, Yashiro, and Chang running towards them:

* Andy: Mai, stay calm and don't be scared, I'll be with you in half a Zaineken!

* Yashiro: Guys, didn't the sign we saw earlier say "Minefield"?

* Kensou: Are you afraid, Heavenly King? Of course, because you don't love your crush as much as I love mine! [Starting to run]: Honey, wait for me, I'm going to resc...

**BOOOOOOOM!!**

Needless to say, Athena's Knight just stepped on a mine and exploded into pieces, splattering blood and guts all over the rest of the rescue team.

* Athena: Kensou! NOOOOOOOO!

* Yashiro: I don't love her, and I literally plan to repopulate the Earth with her? What a moron! [Entering Orochi form]: MEZAMERO, DAICHI YO!

Having said that, the ground opens up quite deeply in front of our friends (and don't tell me that Orochi Yashiro can't do that after seeing his Climax in KOF XV, because I'd find that hard to believe), forming a crater into which a significant portion of the sand falls (but mind you, not all of it).

* Kula: WOW! Your boyfriend is something else, he's an aircraft carrier! [NOTE: In my hometown, that means "very impressive"]

* Shermie: He's not my boyfriend or anything, but that was pretty cool.

* Robert: Hey Nanakase, has that gotten rid of all the mines?

* O. Yashiro (lifting Chang over his head): Only one way to find out, right?

* Chang: THE f*ck YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?

* O. Yashiro: Tossing you out there to see if there are any mines left.

* Chang: WHAT?!? Let's throw my ball instead, you jerk!

The King of the Parched Earth thinks for a second before setting him down:

* O. Yashiro: Your lucky day, man.

* Chang: Thanks a lot, huh? [Under his breath]: Screw my life, what am I doing here? It's Choi who should be here, at least he can fly!

So in the midst of these deep inner thoughts, our favorite fatso proceeds to hurl his iron ball into the distance that still separates them from their (real or fictional) love interests, causing yet another big explosion as it lands:

* Andy: Damn, there are still mines left! What do we do now?

* Robert (on the cellphone): Hey Karman, can you come to the beach for a sec? And bring a few interns from the company, around 15 or 16.

Naturally, upon hearing this, the Ringmaster seizes the opportunity to revel in his own evilness:

* Ringmaster: Pffft, is your boyfriend going to use the Power of Labor Precariousness to try and rescue you? Pathetic, isn't it?

* Yuri: ROBERT, DON'T DO IT! I DON'T WANT THOSE DEATHS ON MY CONSCIENCE!

* Ringmaster: Actually, all your boyfriends are quite pathetic. I don't know what they're plotting, but it looks like idiocy...

Indeed, as they have just convinced Orochi Yashiro to make the earth burst upward in the form of energy pillars (this is starting to resemble his Climax move from KOF XV), causing the hidden mines in the sand to start flying, then rain down towards our friends due to the Law of Gravity:

* O. Yashiro (seeing the mines coming): Why do I even listen to you, you stupid humans?!?

* Chang (same): Uh oh... The last one is a sissy!

Unfortunately, our friends have started running like headless chickens, and in the midst of the stampede, Andy has been trampled by Chang! Thankfully, getting run over by a 668 pounds guy isn't that serious for a KOF fighter, but he's still lying motionless on the ground with his head half buried in the sand:

* Ringmaster: BWAHAHAHAW, not even half a brain among all your boyfriends combined!

* Mai: Yeah, we already know that... But my Andy got hurt, so ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE!

And now is when Mai breaks free from the chains that bound her out of pure fury, leaping out of the hole, igniting flames, somersaulting through the air, and setting the Ringmaster on fire as soon as she touches the ground:

* Mai: Take that, you son of a bitch! [Running away]: Andy, are you okay? Tell me nothing happened to you, because if you're hurt, I'll die!

* Yuri: MAI, HAVE YOU GONE CRAZY? DON'T RUN TOWARDS THE MINES!

Needless to say, the aforementioned person doesn't pay any attention, soaring over the sand with a Hissatsu Shinobi Bachi and gracefully landing just inches away from one.

* Shermie: Well, finally someone is doing something! I was about to conjure up lightning in the sky and let it strike wherever it may...

And that's precisely why you won't see many people using O. Shermie, neither in vanilla KOF 2002 nor in UM. But in the meantime, Mai has continued closing the distance to Andy, using Hissatsu Shinobi Bachi's and Musasabi no Mai's, and so far, she's been fortunate enough not to step on any mines.

* Robert: Mai is coming to OUR rescue? Oh boy, how embarrassing!

* Andy (getting up): She really plays up the "damsel in distress" role, but deep down...

* Chang: Hey, your wig just fell off.

* Andy: What do you mean, "my wig"? [Feeling his bald head]: Hey, what the hell...?

* Mai: My Andy is bald?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Those were the last words Mai could articulate before going into a state of shock. Although this has allowed Leona to realize something:

* Leona: Andy isn't bald. The last time I hit him with a V-Slasher, not a hair was out of place.

* Ringmaster: Who knows, maybe he's gone bald since last KOF... And why are you crying?

* Athena: And you still ask? Kensou is dead!

* Ringmaster: Do you even care?

* Athena: Of course I care, Kensou was my friend! The best friend I've ever had!

* Ringmaster: Was he something more?

* Athena: *Sniff* Well... maybe he was!

* Ringmaster: In that case, congratulations, because he's not dead... He's survived as a bloody wreck, and now you'll have the chance to be wiping his ass for the rest of your life!

And as if emphasizing these words, he drags a wheelchair that Athena and the others couldn't see because it was behind them, placing it within their field of vision. A wheelchair with what's left of Kensou sitting in it (more like tied up), basically a limbless trunk with a face so mangled by shrapnel that it would make the protagonist of Edogawa Rampo's "Caterpillar" start vomiting:

* Kensou (with an empty stare): Gnyuh.

* Leona: Alright, that's enough, Kukri. You're being a real asshole.

* Ringmaster: What did you say? What did you call me?

* Leona: This is the second time you do this to us. People, none of this is real, we're in a dream.

* Athena: What are you saying? That's impossible!

* Leona: It is? And what's the last thing you remember before the circus?

* Athena: Hmmm... Fire truck sirens and ambulances because Kyo and Iori had pulled one of their stunts, and Yamazaki had broken the spine of a guy from TV.

* Kula: Yeah, the usual stuff that happens in KOF... I remember the same too!

* Leona: And I guess when the sirens quieted down, we fell asleep. So use your powers and wake us up now.

And at the Ritz-Carlton Osaka, 10 minutes after a psionic screech from Athena wakes up the entire hotel, an enraged mob knocks on the door of Team Elizabeth's suite:

* Enraged Mob: WHERE IS KUKRI? WE'RE GONNA LYNCH HIM!

* Elisabeth: Hold on, hold on! I know he probably brought this upon himself, but could someone explain to me why?

* Yuri: He made us have a nightmare where our boyfriends acted retarded!

* Robert: Damn it, Yuri...

* Mai: He made me dream that my Andy was bald, probably trying to make me fall out of love! HA, as if I would believe such a thing!

* Andy: OUCH, please don't pull my hair anymore!

* Mai: Shut up, I'm traumatized! And what about poor Kula? Doesn't anyone think about the children?

* Kula: Me? But I don't have no ridiculous boyfriend.

* K' (yawning): Can I go back to bed now?

* Elisabeth: So let me get this straight, you want to beat up Kukri because you had a nightmare where your boyfriends were acting stupid?

* Kensou: It's his fault! He's like freaking Freddy Krueger!

* Elisabeth (closing the door): Well, good luck explaining that to the police. Have a good rest, and see you tomorrow.

Clearly, Elisabeth doesn't buy a word of it. Meanwhile, at the Security Center where the Ikari Warriors operate:

* Clark: Kukri left the hotel at 1:42 AM and has been missing since. [Looking at the screens]: Colonel, what do we do about the enraged mob?

* Ralf (shrugging): If they can't find him to beat him up, they'll calm down sooner or later. Hey, Leona, are you sure that...?

* Leona: 100% sure. There's no other way to explain why so many people dreamed the same thing at the same time. From now on, we'll have to assume that Kukri has the ability to control minds when they're in REM state and/or create parallel universes.

* Dr. Light: Seriously? There are people with that kind of power in KOF?

* Electro: So what's the plan? Do we wait for him to come back and take him out, or do we go looking for him?

* Ralf: What's the deal? Is your first reaction to people having crazy superpowers to kill them? We haven't done that to you guys. [Glancing at the collars]: And we could.

* Dr. Light: Well, then you tell us what to do, because sleeping isn't optional, and as soon as we fall asleep, that guy could f*ck us up big time.

* Clark: Sleeping isn't optional for a guy who can turn into pure energy?

* Leona: Besides, I don't think he's into men, Light.

* Electro: Tell that to Terry! We should do to him the same thing we did to the kid with the pink hair – destroy his mind and leave him paralyzed for life.

* Ralf: WOW! These guys don't mess around, do they?

* Rhino: Might sound a bit harsh, but no muties have bothered us ever since.

* Leona: Yes, we have to admit that's true. As for Kukri, let's see what the Commander says, but as long as he doesn't show openly hostile intentions, I suppose we'll have to keep an eye on him.

Chapter 9: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part I)

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode in a luxurious restaurant in the Umeda area, where Krauser and Chizuru (dressed for the occasion) are about to enjoy a delightful dinner:

* Krauser: Thank you very much for accepting my invitation, Chizuru. Oh, and let me tell you that you look splendid tonight.

* Chizuru: Thanks to you, Krauser.

* Krauser: "Wolfgang," please.

* Chizuru: Well, as you wish. The thing is, I needed to talk to you about certain issues happening in KOF, and this is even before the official matches have started...

* Krauser: Just as they were about to serve the wine? Why spoil the evening discussing those matters?

* Chizuru: I don't know, because we're the hosts? Because I'm getting a bunch of lawsuits?

* Krauser: Lawsuits, you say?

* Chizuru: We're going to end up worse than Antonov if we keep going like this, KOF is filled with unsavory characters!

* Krauser: But that's always been part of its charm! Remember how it was in the beginning, a tournament my half-brother invented to recruit gangsters.

* Chizuru: Let me tell you what the latest report from the Ikari Warriors says. Chang and Choi tried to cook Blue Mary's dog, but Kim kicked them in the rear.

* Krauser: Well, even at the risk of sounding racist, it's a Korean thing. Some like dogs and others don't.

* Chizuru: As if that weren't enough, someone defecated at the door of Team Elisabeth's suite.

* Krauser: Such vulgarity almost left me in shock, but then I remember that people like Joe Higashi attend KOF, and I get over it.

* Chizuru: How tolerant you are, right? And what about Geese? He's taken up a whole floor of the hotel with his gang of mobsters.

* Krauser: You know him, the poor man can't even walk around the corner without an entourage laughing at his jokes... Isn't that true, Laurence?

* Laurence (behind him): Absolutely, Lord Krauser!

* Chizuru: The problem is that part of Mr. Big's organization is also hanging around there, and they've sworn to kill him.

* Krauser: I know, that's why I sent them an invitation. Gang warfare spices up a tournament quite a bit.

* Chizuru: Wolfgang, I'm starting to get a little upset... Yamazaki grabbed a guy from the TV the other day, slammed him to the ground, and broke his back!

* Krauser: And what's he going to do, file a report? Take him to court and testify against him?

* Chizuru: No, he told the cops it was an accident.

* Krauser (shrugging): I figured as much.

* Chizuru: And speaking of Hakkeshus, this year we have 6. 7 if we count Leona.

* Krauser: No worries, if there's any issue with Orochi, I know you, Kusanagi, and Yagami will handle it.

* Chizuru: Do you trust them that much? I remind you that those two set the hotel bar on fire and have caused the most damage so far.

* Krauser: And what should we do about it, disqualify them? If we start disqualifying star fighters over these little things, there will be fewer and fewer people following KOF, and we'll be losing more money!

* Chizuru: I'm not saying we should disqualify them, but some action needs to be taken, right? Or should we just let them do whatever they want?

* Krauser: Chizuru, seriously, you worry too much. Are we talking about responsible, grown-up individuals or are we talking about...?

**CRAAASH!!**

But the Emperor of Darkness never got to finish that sentence, interrupted by a thug engulfed in flames who crashed onto the table after shattering the storefront:

* Chizuru: Oh, for the gods, are they throwing people into the restaurant from the street?! Please, let it not be the KOF crew!

* Krauser: Calm down, woman, how could it be them, it's impossible! But just in case, let's go check, because I think I heard someone shouting "FIRE!"

And that's exactly what they do, stepping out onto the street only to run into some of the KOF fighters brawling with a gang of around 50 thugs (more than half of whom are already on the ground bleeding), just as Yamazaki has slammed one of them's head against the sidewalk curb:

* Yamazaki: Hey, you bastard! How dare you dirty my shoes? I want compensation! 10 million yen!

* Ralf: Hey, that's going a bit overboard! Calm down or you'll be heading back to the hotel!

* Yamazaki: Pffft! And who's gonna make me go back to the hotel, you?

* Ralf: You haven't seen me angry yet! [Greeting the newcomers]: Oh hey, Krauser. How's it going, Chizuru?

Initially, the aforementioned individuals say nothing, they simply stand there in astonishment as they watch Ryo Sakazaki knocking out a thug's teeth with a kick to the mouth, Billy beating people all around, Shermie executing suplexes that could easily leave anyone in a wheelchair for life, and a few other displays of prowess. And then that's when they noticed a dented bus parked at the other end of the street and began to realize what was happening:

* Chizuru: Ralf... Did you bring the KOF crew on a terror-spreading field trip in Osaka?

* Ralf: Well, you see, when you put it like that...

* Chizuru: At least tell me that Kusanagi and Yagami haven't come!

* Ralf: Nah, those two stayed at the hotel, they said they've seen enough of Osaka already. I only brought the ones who were the most restless, to help them relax.

* Chizuru: This is probably the worst idea you've ever had in your entire life, you know that, right?

* Leona: I completely agree.

* Ralf: Leona, please, let me handle this... Look, Chizuru, I get that a massive brawl just broke out, but I swear we have no idea how it even started!

At this point, most of the thugs are already down for the count, except for a few who are on their knees begging for forgiveness, pleading for their lives, and showering our friends with energy drinks, dishes made from various materials, money, and all sorts of items:

* Billy: Japan is f*cking awesome, no wonder the boss loves this country!

* Yamazaki: See how bringing this sports bag was totally worth it? [Tossing money into the bag]: Come on, let's get all the valuable stuff now!

Mind you, not everyone is accepting these gifts, just the two mentioned earlier, Jack, Yashiro, Angel, and Krohnen (Chang and Choi would too, but Kaphwan won't let them). Still, it's too many for Chizuru's taste. She steers the conversation, trying not to get too worked up:

* Chizuru: What do you mean you don't know why the fight started? It's because you've been mugging people on the streets!

* Ralf: No way! Look, it's true that Billy and Yamazaki found out that if they beat up people, they eventually get stuff as gifts, but...

* Leona: Just so you know, none of us started the brawl. It was the other guys.

* Krauser: Ah, well, if that's the case, it's not technically "mugging." Let's head back to the restaurant before dinner gets cold.

* Chizuru: I couldn't care less if dinner gets cold! Wolfgang, disqualify those 2 criminals immediately. They're giving KOF a terrible image!

* Krauser: How am I supposed to disqualify Team South Town? My half-brother will say I'm scared to face his team and he'll laugh at me!

* Chizuru: So, Geese is the only one who can control them? He could have joined the tour of Osaka, for all I care!

* Billy: Well, he wanted to go to an Ebisu Festival, but there's none today...

* Chizuru: Of course, there's none today. That's in January, and we're in July! Although, I always thought your boss was more of a Bishamonten type.

* Billy: That's why we have this Bishamonten statue at the Geese Tower that kicks all kind of arse.

* Chizuru: And what's even weirder is that you know what I'm talking about! Since when does an Englishman know about Shinto gods?

* Billy: Since the boss told me one day "Christianity is crap, Billy, I'm becoming a Shintoist. And so are you."

* Ralf (downtrodden): Seriously, I thought that taking the KOF guys on a field trip would result, at worst, in them being asked for autographs. I never expected this.

* Krauser: Maybe if you took them to a more discreet place. I don't know, like Karaoke or something...

* Takuma: Something that costs money? Hey, I only signed up for this trip because I thought it was all for free!

* Terry: You gotta understand, many of us are broke. That's why Ralf has us wandering the streets aimlessly.

* Krauser: And of course, fights break out. Well, if that's the problem, I'll write you a check... Laurence, bring me the checkbook!

Krauser said, willing to finance whatever it takes to get rid of them as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, Yuri has found an abandoned fishing rod and cast the line into the canal to see if she can catch anything, with no results so far:

* Yuri: What a shame, I really wanted to catch a koi fish...

* Yamazaki: Hey kid, what's wrong with you? Don't you know that you need bait to fish? [Taking the fishing rod from her]: Let me handle this, I'm from Okinawa!

* Yuri: And what will you use as bait, Yamazaki-san?

* Yamazaki (impaling something bloody on the hook): I'm gonna use the ear I ripped off one of those guys as bait and catch a fish in 2 f*cking seconds.

* Yuri: Uggh, I'm feeling so nauseous.

* Billy (bursting into laughter): What's yer damage, you knob, thinking you'll catch something in 2 seconds? That sh*t takes hours!

* Yamazaki: What do you know, city bumpkin? And shut the f*ck up already, you're scaring away the tunas!

At this point, Krauser has finished writing the check, so Ralf takes out a megaphone he had hidden:

* Ralf: ATTENTION, ATTENTION! EVERYONE BACK TO THE BUS, KRAUSER JUST FORKED OVER THE CASH!

* Joe: Nice! That's how I like the KOF hosts, so generous!

* Shermie: And muscular! And handsome!

* Yashiro: Enough already, okay, Shermie?

* Kensou: Krauser, Kraaauuuseeerrr! Let's give him a cheer!

* Yamazaki: Let's give him gifts to show our respect! [Throwing a 110 lbs tuna at him]: Here, a fish!

* Krauser: What the...?!? What do you want me to do with this, you damn lunatic?

* Yamazaki: How should I know, put it in the freezer? It got a bit squashed after hitting Billy in the head with it, but it's still edible.

* Billy (hitting him on the back with the sansetsukon): Look at what you've done to my clothes, you son of a bitch!

* Ralf: Tsk, these 2 are on fire today... Alright, let's say goodbye to Krauser and get out of here before he changes his mind!

So, a little while later with the check already cashed and on the bus headed to Namba:

* Kaphwan: So, we're taking the highway to the other end of Osaka? But why so far, I don't get it.

* Joe: Krauser wouldn't have coughed up the cash otherwise.

* Ralf (driving): Exactly! And look at how well I handled that situation, just so you all don't say that the Ikari Warriors don't do anything...

* Ash: But you don't do anything, mon cherries! Because of you, I stepped on a mess yesterday.

* Ralf: Hey, we risk our lives to protect the world! And who are you supposed to be?

* Ash: Moi? Someone who risked his life to protect the world and lost it.

* Ralf (raising his voice): But what year did that happen, you lunatic? And if you lost your life, how come you're here?

* Leona: Calm down, Colonel! You're swerving all over the road!

* Ralf: 'Cause this French guy is getting on my nerves. [Looking back]: Alright, now that we've got cash, where do you all want to go?

* Terry: Let's go to the arcade and play video games!

* King: Grow up already, Terry... Instead of that, let's go to a bar and drink till we puke!

* Chin: Miss King, you should try to be more ladylike. I totally agree with the plan, though.

* Yashiro: Let's hit up a club to listen to some music!

* Chris: "Pepaaaa y agua pa la secaaaa, tól mundo en pastillaaaa en la discotecaaaa!" [NOTE: Reggaeton lyrics which roughly translates as "MDMA and water for your mouth, everybody on pills at the disco!"]

* Yamazaki: Pssst! Want some shabu? Dirt cheap, a thousand yen per dose.

* Shermie: No, black sheep of the family, no. Can't you see he's being sarcastic?

* Ralf: Hey, stop selling drugs on my bus! Yamazaki, I've had enough of you!

* Chang: But look at the time, and we still haven't eaten! Let's go to the Korean BBQ!

* Robert: Errrr... Are they going to serve us dog meat?

* Choi: Nope, if you don't order it they won't.

* Jack: No, it's better that we go to a Pink Salon!

* Yuri: Ooh, that sounds cute. Is it a romantic place?

* Jack: Well...

* Ryo: You don't need to explain it, okay? And tone it down a bit, there are women and kids around.

* Shun'ei: Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones!

* Ralf: Yes? What's up, Shun'ei? Speak louder, I can't hear you back there on the bus...

* Shun'ei (loudly): Mr. Jones, maybe it's not important, but there's a bunch of cars following us!

* Ralf: What did you say?!? [Looking in the rearview mirror]: Damn, you're right!

* Shun'ei: Maybe this is normal, and I'm jumping to ridiculous conclusions because I'm from a really small village in China, but it seems like we're being chased by a bunch of cars, motorcycles, trucks, and whatnot!

In less time than it takes to explain, there are already several black cars flanking our friends' bus on both lanes of the highway, and then suddenly:

*RATATAATATATAATATATATATATATA!*

* King: Holy sh*t, are they shooting at us?!? But why, we haven't done anything!

* Leona: Everyone, get down and stay as far away from the windows as possible!

A few more bursts from a submachine gun hit the bus's body and windows, fortunately without hitting anyone.

* Ralf (pressing the accelerator): We need to fight back or we're dead! Leona, grab the machine gun from the overhead compartment and give them hell!

* Joe: Wait, you guys have a machine gun in the overhead compartment?

* Leona: We're the Ikari Warriors, Higashi. We never leave home without one.

Unlike those Metal Slug dudes who just stroll around hoping to get handed one! Leona doesn't waste a second, smashing the nearest window with the butt of her gun and opening fire as if possessed by the Essence of the Heavy Machine Gun (because, of course, she, Ralf, and Clark are Metal Slug characters now too). So, in the blink of an eye, two drivers are hit by a barrage of high-caliber bullets, losing control of their vehicles and crashing into the ones behind them.

* Chang: f*ck, now they're shooting at us from the other side! And here I was thinking Japan was a super peaceful country...

* Jack: It's even worse than South Town, dude!

While Leona keeps shooting out the window while dodging bullets, Ralf shifts the bus to the leftmost lane, violently pushing a some enemy cars off the highway and causing them to crash into the guardrails. This takes care of the flanking issue and being shot at from both sides, but there's still another small problem pending:

* Leona: I know this might be a long shot, but does anyone here have firearms and knows how to use them? Because we need...

* Kaphwan: Billy and Yamazaki started shooting from the back of the bus.

* Leona: With what?

Uh oh, things are getting tough! Because now what's approaching are a bunch of very fast motorcycles, and each one has a guy driving and another handling a rocket launcher, naturally with a single projectile that hits the bus, it's game over. Fortunately, this also means less time aiming to take down each enemy, and Leona has enough composure to keep the conversation going while scoring headshots left and right.

* Kaphwan: Well, I'm not sure, but I think they have uzis.

* Leona: Okay, it's better than nothing... Krohnen, go to the cabin! If any vehicle passes us and tries to cut us off, hit them with some of your DMs!

* Krohnen (heading to the cabin): Don't boss me around! I'm gonna do it just because I feel like it!

* Leona: Sure, that's great... Does anyone else here have firearms?

Oops, one of the rocket launcher guys was just about to fire! Luckily, a precise Koohken (from the old days) sent the motorcycle flying.

* Takuma: We don't need them, we know Kyokugenryu! [To the AOF folks]: Come on, guys, we need to help Leona! You too, Kensou!

* Ralf: Takuma, since you've got more firepower, come over here and support Krohnen! Terry, take the wheel, since you look like a trucker! Meanwhile, I'll start pulling some things out of the glove compartment...

* Terry (taking the wheel): Hey, those are grenades, aren't they?!?

* Ralf: You got it.

Indeed, it's clear that between weapons and (especially) superpowers, a bus manned by the KOF crew would have a massive firepower. As the occupants of the 2 cars that managed to overtake our friends just found out, before exploding into pieces due to a Haoh Shoukou Ken from Takuma and a barrage of explosive projectiles launched by Krohnen when he transforms his left arm into... I don't know what the hell is that supposed to be, maybe a rail gun?

* Shun'ei: Mr. Jones, more cars are getting closer! What should I do, should I unleash one of my DMs?

* Ralf: Not you, you'd blow up half the bus! Leave this to the pros.

Ralf said before starting to throw one grenade after another through the gap that used to be the rear glass window of the bus. This causes a wave of vehicles to go flying and is infinitely more effective than 2 mobsters shooting with uzis, which makes them green with envy:

* Billy: Damn, that's cool! Can we throw some grenades too?

* Ralf: No, because you're behaving like sh*t today.

* Yamazaki: And who are you, the f*cking Santa Claus of grenades?

By the time Ralf runs out of grenades, the KOF bus has already left behind a huge number of wrecked cars and motorcycles, engulfed in flames and scattered over several miles of the highway. Initially, this should make it difficult for more vehicles to approach them, but unfortunately, a 50-ton trailer has just arrived at full speed, sending everything in its path to hell.

* Ralf: sh*t, it's going to ram us! Aim for the cabin!

* Billy (shooting): It's doing nothing, must have bulletproof glass!

* Ralf: Then aim for the wheels! And try aiming better, you lousy shots!

* Yamazaki (passing him the uzi): So give it a try, champ!

So Ralf does exactly that, checking that the trailer tires are also armored and that multiple bullet impacts don't bring it below 90 miles per hour. They were about to call Leona to test it with more powerful caliber bullets or to contact the CYS folks to ask them if they could please switch to Orochi mode. But that's when Angel intervened:

* Angel: Leave this to me, pendejos!

What happens next is hard to believe because it happened in the blink of an eye: Angel jumped from the back of the bus to the front of the trailer, opened the cabin door, snapped the driver's neck, destabilized the trailer with sharp swerves, and jumped to safety before it tipped over, all in less than 10 seconds.

* Ralf (shouting): Terry, stop the bus!

* Terry: Why, aren't they chasing us anymore?

* Ralf: Nah, there's a 50-ton truck overturned in the middle of the highway. Stop, we need to pick up Angel.

A quarter of an hour later, a bus riddled with bullet holes from all sides and practically down to its chassis finally arrives in the southern district of Osaka:

* Ralf: Well, we're almost in Namba... And now, let's have some fun!

* Kaphwan: "Have some fun"? And you think the authorities won't want to ask us anything?

* Terry (driving): You know, because of the trail of death and destruction we're leaving behind.

* Ralf: Doesn't matter, doesn't matter! That was self-defense, and Heidern will provide all the necessary explanations. [He takes a good swig from the whiskey bottle]

* Leona: You're drinking a lot, Colonel.

* Ralf: And you're surprised? I envy Clark and Whippy for staying at the hotel enjoying life.

* Leona: Shouldn't have drawn the short straw. Also, I remind you that the idea of taking the fighters on a tour was yours.

* Ralf: Yeah, but come on, I don't understand what's happening! People in Osaka love KOF, why the hell are they trying to kill us?

* Yamazaki: GYAHAHAHAH....Oh, I can't stop laughing, they don't have a clue!

* Billy (elbowing him): Shh! Shut up, damn it!

* Leona: So we don't have a clue, right? Why did you bring uzis on a tour of Osaka?

* Yamazaki: And what's the problem? Is it forbidden or something?

* Takuma: Of course it's forbidden, this is Japan! It's even forbidden to walk the streets with nail clippers here!

* Ralf: Enough with the wisecracks, answer the question! Because you guys don't normally carry those kinds of weapons, aside from the fact that you handle them terribly.

* Billy: We took them from the guys earlier, alright? Just like the shabu.

* Ralf: No sir, that's a lie! I believe the shabu part, but the guys from the earlier fight had katanas, iron bars, and stuff like that, not uzis!

* Leona: How did you know they were going to shoot at us?

* Billy: I ain't answering any more questions until my lawyer shows up.

* Yamazaki: And I just forgot English, Japanese, and Chinese.

Naturally, the interrogation of a guy who goes to martial arts tournaments with a knife in his pocket and another one who has a HSDM called "Liar Elemental" could have lasted for hours. But fortunately, at this point, King approached with her cellphone in hand:

* King: Hey, you military types! I just told Mary what happened, and she says we're idiots for bringing Yamazaki along, 'cause he's on the Yakuza's hit list, and every time he comes to Japan, they try to kill him.

* Ralf (furious): Terry, stop the bus right now!

So, 2 thugs from Fatal Fury kicked off the bus later the rest of our friends get back in motion:

* Terry: Hey Ralf, are you sure we did the right thing?

* Joe: Lilly's gonna be so furious if my "bro-in-law" gets killed...

* Ralf: You really have to be quite the good people to worry about them on top of everything! Yes, I'm absolutely sure we did the right thing, let those 2 go f*ck themselves, one for dragging us into their mob stuff and the other for knowing about it and not saying anything... And now that we've gotten rid of them, I'm sure the rest of the trip will go smoothly, right Leona?

* Leona (looking at the other passengers with a worried expression): ...

* Leona: Yes, for sure.

Chapter 10: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part II)

Chapter Text

Now in the district of Dotonbori (I mean, Sotenbori) and continuing with the sequence from the previous episode:

* Ralf: Well, we've finally arrived! Is anyone left on the bus? No? So then, let's enjoy the night!

* Shun'ei: WOW, so many lights, how beautiful this all is!

* Choi: Hey, buddy-boys, why don't we...?

* Ralf: Don't start arguing again! Everyone go wherever you want, and we'll pick you up in 5 hours.

* Leona: Colonel, do you know what can happen in 5 hours? Wouldn't it be better in 20 minutes?

* Ralf: Now that no one is trying to assassinate us anymore you wanna only give them 20 minutes? Come on, line up, we're going to distribute the money Krauser gave us! But don't get too excited, 'cause it's not that much.

* Chang: Billy and Yamazaki's share is for us, right?

* Takuma: What's the exchange rate for yen to dollars?

* Ryo: Dad, don't ask such a thing! They're gonna realize you want to save the money for when we return to South Town!

But unfortunately, while our friends are each receiving their share of the money, a bosozoku gang has surrounded them, waving their flags in the wind and making as much noise as possible with their customized motorcycles.

*VRRROOOOOM VRRROOOOOM!*

*Takuma: Oh no, the most idiotic representatives of Japanese youth! And on top of that, right in the middle of a pedestrian street!

*Ash (counting money): Are you sure this is distributed fairly?

*Ralf: Hey, what are you implying?

*VRRROOOOOM VRRROOOOOM!*

* Ash: Nothing, but with as many aircraft carriers as Heidern has... they must have come from somewhere, right?

* Ralf: Yeah, from us keeping the change! Hey, Ash or whatever your name is, don't give me your...!

*VRRROOOOOM VRRROOOOOM!* *VRRROOOOOM VRRROOOOOM!*

* Takuma: Kids, can't you see we're talking here? Go annoy someone else with your bikes!

* Bosozoku 1: Or else, old man? You gonna beat us up?

* Takuma (enraged): Wanna bet I will?

* Bosozoku 2: Boss, these guys are from KOF... If we mess with them, they'll definitely kick our asses!

* Bosozoku 1: Sure, but they could never beat us in a death race...

* Krohnen: No, you loser, THAT too! If you don't believe it, let me and Angel borrow a bike!

* Angel: Meow, my boy is so badass when he goes all Tetsuo!

* Bosozoku 1: Hey, Watanabe, lend them your bike! If they're so tough, let them prove it.

* Jack: And lend me one too, I have my own biker gang in America! I'm up for the challenge too!

* Bosozoku 1 (looking Jack up and down): ...

* Bosozoku 1: We don't have a bike big enough for you.

And so, Krohnen and Angel go off to f*ck around with the Bosozoku, making a lot of noise along the way and leaving poor Jack behind.

* Ralf (patting him on the back): Well, don't sweat it, the Japanese are generally on the slim side. It's all good, more money to share.

* Yuri: Hey, onii-chan, how about we go to the Karaoke? Robert, would you like to join us too?

* Robert: Well, if you're up for it...

* Joe: Yeaaah! Karaoke, Karaoke! Count me in too; I haven't been to Karaoke since my Yankii days!

* Ryo: You were a Yankii? Why am I not surprised?

* Robert: But Joe, don't get too carried away at Karaoke, okay? You can be quite intense.

* Joe: ORE-SAMA, GET CARRIED AWAY?!?

* Yashiro: It would be great to hit up a nightclub, huh, Shermie? The only downside is they won't let Chris in.

* Terry: Well, he can come with me to the SEGA arcades... Let's go, little Orochi!

* Chris: Sounds great!

* Yashiro: Tsk, if Goenitz saw this, he'd have a fit.

* Shermie: Terry seems like a pretty decent human, Yash. If the rest of them were like him, things would be pretty different.

* Jack: I'm thinkin'... You can get a blowj*b in any country, but only a Japanese kyabakura will tell you how handsome and interesting you are.

* Kensou (unable to hold back): But you're a fatso!

* Jack: And you're a friend-zoned kid who's gonna die a virgin! I bet you don't even know how to talk to women, a trip to a cabaret club would benefit you more than me!

* Chin: That gentleman is absolutely right, Kensou. Go with him.

* Kensou: But Master, are you recommending that I go to prostitutes again? You always do the same!

* Chin: And you never listen to me, only the gods know why! Besides, kyabakuras aren't prostitutes, they just seem like it.

* Kensou: I'm 18, and the legal age here is 20! They won't even let me in!

* Jack: Oh, c'mon, that's bullsh*t! If you come with me, you'll see they will.

* Chin: And Shun'ei, I advise you to go too. I may not be your Master, but it's as if I were.

* Shun'ei: Well, if you say so...

* Takuma: (Hmph. I don't want to question Master Chin's wisdom, but I don't think it's right to send two underaged boys to accompany a criminal to a cabaret club. I think I'll follow them discreetly...)

* King: Well, Master Chin, are we heading to the bar now? Hey Ralf, are you coming?

* Ralf: No, thanks, I've brought my own bottles. I'm already on the second one...

* Kaphwan: At least you could refrain from throwing them on the ground... Well, see you later! We're off to do good and defend justice out there.

* Choi: Weren't you gonna take us to the Korean BBQ?

* Kaphwan: I never said such thing.

* Chang: f*ckING DAMN IT ALL!

* Kaphwan: Chang, watch your language! Let's see, when we're done helping people, maybe I'll take you, but you'll have to behave extremely well.

And as the excursionists all head to their respective destinations (including Ash, who hasn't even bothered to say where he's going), a few neighborhoods away, we find Yamazaki dishing out punches and explosive headbutts, while Billy spins the sansetsukon in a 360 degree Maximum Impact 2 style, sending a handful of yakuza thugs to the ground with broken bones:

* Yamazaki: Those motherf*ckers are gonna pay for this!

* Billy: Who, the blokes trying to kill us?

Billy asked as he smashed the head of the guy in front of him as if it were a watermelon, while Yamazaki pulled a knife out of another guy's stomach that he had just stabbed.

* Yamazaki: No, damn it, the KOF crew! How they dare to kick us outta the trip just 'cause they can't take a f*cking joke?

* Billy: Yeah, especially your Orochi cousins, who they were the ones kicking us the most. No wonder, since you're always laughing at them...

Naturally, no matter how tough these sub-bosses might be, they couldn't stand up to twenty-something enraged fighters, so they had no choice but to get off the bus when asked politely. Not that Billy and Yamazaki are particularly bothered by being surrounded by enemies trying to kill them (they're probably the ones most used to that after the Ikari Warriors), it's just the principle of the thing:

* Yamazaki: Yeah, sure, go and agree with 'em! What's the deal, are you a Mad Dog who gets pissed off at everything but this doesn't piss you off?

* Billy: It does piss me off, but since people keep coming to fight us every 5 minutes, I beat the sh*t outta them and get over it.

One of the yakuza tries to attack him from behind with a katana, but Billy quickly turns around and blocks it at an angle that causes the katana to snap in two:

* Billy: Pfft, did you think it was the stick that was gonna break? [Kicking him and breaking his teeth]: Twat!

Another thug gets pretty scared seeing Yamazaki approaching with a crazy look and pulls out a gun, but our friend easily dodges the shot by SHIFTING ANGLE (he's a classic Fatal Fury character, after all) and then delivers a Hebi Tsukai that sends him flying onto the road just as a car passes by.

* Yamazaki: GYAHAHAHAH, did you see that? Today, I'm on fire! [To the bunch of yakuza guys lying on the ground]: Hey, bastards, anyone still alive? We're heading to Sotenbori to play Pachinko, let's see if you have the balls to follow us!

* Billy: Pachinko? Please no!

* Yamazaki: Pachinko is a beautiful game, Billy, a game of skill! What do you have against Pachinkos?

* Billy: That those places are just filled with the stench of tobacco and noise!

* Yamazaki: Sure, but you smoke like a chimney and the music you like makes even more noise, so you'll feel right at home there.

* Billy: Is my home a Pachinko parlor, you son of a bitch? Want me to knock all your teeth out?

So while Team South Town guys head to Sotenbori, showcasing the camaraderie and sense of friendship that defines them, let's go to the Karaoke bar to watch Joe belting out some old Japanese songs he loves (technically known as Enka):

* Joe: SUGITA MUKASHI O URAMU JANAIGA KAZE MO SHIMIRUUUU...!

* Robert (taking the microphone from him): Alright, Joe! That's enough. Let the rest of us sing a bit!

* Ryo: And get off the table and stop clowning around! We've only been here for half an hour, how can you be so drunk?

* Joe: The problem is yours, you're not! Look around, Robert just picked Torrebruno's Greatest Hits!

* Robert: TIGERS, TIGERS! LIONS, LIONS! EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE THE CHAMPIONS!

* Joe: And your sister? She's also completely wasted!

* Yuri: YEEES! GOOD ONE, ROBERT, GOOOD ONE! YOU ROCK!

* Ryo (taking her co*cktail away): Okay, Yuri! No more drinking!

* Yuri: But brother, at Karaoke, you're supposed to be drunk, it's the law! You're betraying your Japanese roots!

* Joe: Let's mix all the leftovers and make Ryo drink it!

Joe said, pouring the remaining drinks from others into a tall glass and offering it to Ryo:

* Ryo: I'm not drinking that!

* Robert: Come on, Ryo, don't be a coward! What's the worst that could happen?

* Yuri: Just drink it, drink it!

* Ryo: Well, alright, I'll do it... but only because I'm succumbing to peer pressure! [He downs the contents of the glass in one gulp]

Meanwhile, at the entrance of the cabaret club:

* Bouncer: No, no, no! No gaijin! No chainizu! No misein...!

*POW!*

* Bouncer (bleeding on the ground): Please, gentlemen, you may proceed.

* Jack: Hahaha! Did you see how that punch taught him English?

* Shun'ei: Mr. Turner, you're quite a thug! You should have gone with Billy and Yamazaki.

* Jack: They're from the rival gang... Hey, that bouncer is racist; on Twitter, they would have canceled him! He's lucky I only broke his nose.

* Kensou: Well, not allowing Westerners or Chinese in...

So, after paying the initial fee and making it clear that Jack wants hostesses who are attractive, have big breasts, and speak English (preferably in that order), they are assigned a table and the three of them sit down, waiting to be served:

* Jack: Don't embarrass me, okay, kids? Just watch what I do.

* Kensou: Have you been to many of these clubs, Mr. Turner?

* Jack: Nah, but working for Mr. Big teaches you a lot. I've got a grasp on female psychology like you wouldn't believe.

Said the guy who didn't realize that King was a woman until long after Art of Fighting 1. But anyway, after a few minutes of waiting, three gorgeous and elegant hostesses appeared and sat with them amidst admiring giggles:

* Hostess 1: Ohhh! How exciting, you're KOF fighters! We've seen you on TV.

* Hostess 2: You're the one who's always chasing after idol Athena Asamiya, right? The one who always gets rejected?

Kensou's annoyed expression, with a furrowed brow.

* Hostess 3 (caressing his cheek): How cute! Poor thing, that makes you so adorable.

Kensou's happy expression, with a silly grin.

* Hostess 1: But you'll want something to drink, won't you? Waiter, come here, please!

* Waiter: What would you like, gentlemen?

* Kensou: I'll have a Peach Fanta, and please make the air conditioning stronger.

* Shun'ei: I'll have a glass of tap water and the Wi-Fi password.

After hearing this, Jack had a big drop of sweat, just like in the manga, so he tries to save the situation as best as he can:

* Jack: Haha, don't mind them, they're just kidding... What we really want is champagne for everyone!

* Kensou: "For everyone"? Does that mean we have to invite them too?

* Shun'ei (looking at the menu): Mr. Turner, have you seen the prices? We'll end up broke...!

* Hostesses: OOOOH, CHAMPAGNE! LONG LIVE THE STYLISH AND CLASSY GENTLEMEN!

Meanwhile, discreetly observing outside the establishment:

* Takuma: Tsk, I can't believe they knocked out the bouncer and walked right in, how shameless! And the worst part is, I can't keep an eye on them to prevent trouble because hanging around a club like this costs a lot of money...

* Bouncer (holding his bloody nose with a handkerchief): Sumimasen!

* Manager: Hey, sir! Do you have a moment?

* Takuma: Me?

* Manager: Sir, you have to help us! I need to take one of our employees to the ER, and someone has to stay in charge of the place.

* Takuma: Wait, are you asking me to run the club? Literally the first person who passes by?

* Manager (on his knees, trembling with fear): Please, you look like a good businessman! Understand that if I leave the place unattended, the owners could get really angry!

* Takuma: And the owners are yakuza, right? Why don't you get one of them to take charge?

* Manager: They went to look for someone named Yamazaki... Well, sir, thank you for accepting! Here's the manager's badge. I'll be back as soon as I can. Good luck, okay?

Having said that, they hastily leave in a car, leaving Takuma in total confusion:

* Takuma: But I didn't even say I accepted! [Putting on the manager's badge]: Oh well, I guess I'll have to help them, right?

And that's how Takuma found himself involved in a management minigame. But let's switch over to Team Korea, who are wandering the streets in search of side quests:

* Kaphwan (pointing): Look, there's a girl with a sad face... Let's hurry and ask her what's wrong!

* Choi: But Master, we're in Japan! People having sad faces is totally normal.

* Chang: Just like in Korea, if not worse. Must be from working so many hours a day.

* Kaphwan: Don't be so cynical, you'll never reintegrate into society like that! [Approaching]: Excuse me, miss, are you okay? Can we help you with something?

* Anonymous Girl: This is a bit embarrassing for me, but since we're so uninhibited in Osaka, I'll tell it to three complete strangers... My underwear keeps disappearing from the closets, and I can't handle it anymore. I'm on the verge of suicide!

* Chang: Just for a buncha panties and bras?

* Kaphwan: Quiet, Chang, and let me talk! Although, to be honest, it does seem a bit too much...

* Anonymous Girl: I said "from the closets," okay? Not from the laundry line or any other place accessible from the outside... That means some pervert is breaking into my house whenever they please, isn't that terrifying?

* Kaphwan: You're absolutely right, it's a big problem. Have you already spoken with the police?

* Anonymous Girl: Japanese cops are useless.

* Kaphwan: Well, that's also true. Listen, don't worry, and cheer up, okay? I guarantee we'll solve your problem.

* Anonymous Girl: WOW, really? Are you private detectives? From CSI? Psychics?

* Kaphwan: No, but I have a Taekwondo dojo in Korea. [Ignoring the skeptical look on the girl's face] Alright, the first thing we need to do is find some clues; we'll have to...

* Anonymous Girl: I already have a clue. I saw my clothes in the used underwear vending machine on the corner.

* Kaphwan: Excellent, that gives us something to start investigating! That's the first step; we'll solve your case even if it takes us all night.

* Choi (whispering): *Sighh* f*ck my life!

Chapter 11: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part III)

Chapter Text

Still in Sotenbori and continuing from the previous episode:

* Kaphwan (on the cellphone): Hello Andy, this is Kim Kaphwan. Sorry to bother you at this hour, but we have a problem, and we urgently need a ninja.

* Mai (also on the cellphone): I'm not Andy, I'm Mai. I was just checking his phone. But I'm also a ninja, tell me what's going on.

* Kaphwan: Well, you see, we're trying to solve a police case for a random girl we found around here, and for that, we need to get some panties from a used underwear vending machine. The problem is that the machine is in an alley filled with middle-aged ladies smoking, and we're too embarrassed to approach. So, we're going to need someone specialized in stealth techniques to... Hey, Mai? Mai, are you still there? Oh, she hung up on me!

* Chang: I'm not surprised, Master!

* Choi: Excessive familiarity can be a burden!

* Kaphwan: Yeah, to be honest, Mai can be a bit inconsiderate at times...

* Choi: I's talking about you. Anyway, why do we need to get anything from the machine?

* Kaphwan: You're not getting it! We need to verify if those panties really belong to that girl and investigate how they ended up here. It's the only lead we have!

* Choi: So, until we get those panties we can't go to the Korean BBQ?

* Chang: Ooops, the ball just slipped out of my hand!

Our favorite fatso said as he spun the chain above his head a couple of times and then threw the iron ball into the alley, destroying the vending machine and causing the middle-aged ladies to flee in terror amidst a rain of panties and bras.

* Kaphwan: Chang, that's destruction of public property! Or well, private property, because I don't think the city council put those machines there...

* Chang: So what, Master?

* Kaphwan: What do you mean, "so what"? It's illegal! Just imagine if the owners of that machine show up wanting to press charges and demanding compensation!

At that moment, a group of chinpira armed with iron bars and knives appeared in the alley, rolling their Rs loudly:

* Thug 1: What have you done to our machine, you buncha freaks?

* Thug 2: Wanna die or something?

* Kaphwan: Phew, thank goodness we can settle this through violence, because otherwise...

What makes Kaphwan breathe a sigh of relief before dodging the first knife attack and countering with an axe kick to the shoulder of one of the thugs who have probably dislocated a couple of his vertebrae (hey, they brought this upon themselves by starting the fight!). The next thing they do is surround him with clearly murderous intentions, but what does that matter to our friend, who's used to dishing out kicks in all directions like a machine gun? It's only when one of the thugs, already bleeding on the ground, makes a move to pull a gun from his jacket that one of his students intervenes, dropping an iron ball inches from his head and creating a crater in the pavement:

* Kaphwan: Chang, let's stop breaking things already! Are you going to single-handedly reduce Osaka to rubble?

* Thug 3 (nervous and dropping the gun): Uhh... We surrender now, if you don't mind?

* Kaphwan: Good, because I have a couple of questions for you. About that machine...

And meanwhile in Tokyo, in a police box in front of Kameari Park (in Katsushika ward), our favorite cops are trying to calm down a 13-year-old girl named Michina Hirose:

* Ryotsu: So, let me get this straight... A lamppost grew legs, eyes, and teeth, and then it chased you trying to eat you all along the avenue?

* Michina: Well...

* Ryotsu (slamming the table): And ain't you ashamed of wasting the police's time with such nonsense?!?

* Reiko: Ryotsu, don't be so harsh on her! Nakagawa and I had to bring her to the koban because we found her on the street screaming and completely hysterical.

* Nakagawa: And in any case, we should investigate it, don't you think?

* Ryotsu: Don't be foolish, Nakagawa, those are just hallucinations! Kids these days, they're all on drugs!

* Nakagawa: Actually, Japan has one of the lowest substance consumption rates in the world.

* Chief Ohara (to Ryotsu): Shut up already, you numskull, and let the young girl explain!

But unfortunately, Michina is not a character from Kochikame but from Junji Ito. And as such, even the weirdest things in the world will eventually start to seem normal to her, so no wonder she ends up agreeing with Ryotsu:

* Michina: You know what? I think I just lost my nerves and imagined it all. It really doesn't matter. Gomen nasai, if it's okay with you, I'll go home.

* Reiko: Wait, why were you crying "Stop, Soichi, stop"? Who is this Soichi?

* Michina: He's... a cousin of mine from the village. He's a bit sinister.

* Nakagawa: "Sinister" as in "goth"?

* Michina: No, well, maybe a bit... I don't know, he says he has demonic superpowers and can cast curses, but it's probably just kids' stuff.

* Chief Ohara: "Probably"? You don't seem very convinced.

* Michina: It's because of Grandpa, you know? Soichi asked Grandpa to build him a coffin to sleep in, but he didn't like it because it was Japanese-style and he wanted a Western one, like Dracula's. So Grandpa built him another hexagonal one, but he messed up the measurements...

* Boss Ohara: And then?

* Michina: And then he died. Or well, at least that's what we all thought, including the doctors. The whole family went to f*ckazawa for Grandpa's funeral.

* Reiko: (f*ckazawa is the name of the village, huh? I'll make a note of that.)

* Michina: But when they went to cremate him, the coffin was empty. And then we found Grandpa wandering among the funeral attendees, like a zombie.

* Ryotsu: That's when someone looks like they've kicked the bucket but haven't really kicked it, right? What's it called?

* Nakagawa: "Catalepsy," sir.

* Michina: Yes, that's probably what happened, but according to Soichi, Grandpa won't die until he builds a coffin he likes. And there he is, still doing it a year and a half later. Building coffins...

* Ryotsu, Reiko, Nakagawa and Ohara: ...

* Michina (standing up from the chair): But well, I won't distract you anymore. I'm sure you have more important things to do. Thank you very much for everything, and please excuse the inconvenience.

* Reiko: One moment, we need to fill out the report... What's your cousin's name again?

* Michina: Soichi. Soichi Tsujii.

And back in Okaka, at the SEGA arcades, we found Terry slightly annoyed with himself, pounding on the Virtua Fighter 5 cabinet (the closest thing to a Rage Quit back in my day, except you normally didn't leave until you ran out of coins):

* Terry: Damnit, I lost again!

* Chris: For such a famous fighter you're not very good at these types of games, are you, Mr. Bogard? Any kid can beat you.

* Terry: It's just that people here fight in such a strange way, with only one bar and no superpowers. But anyway, let's give it another try...

* Chris: Hey, what if we do something else instead? Because there are arcade machines with fighting games everywhere, as if you had to come to Japan for this.

* Terry: Say what?! Oh well, I forgot you died in '97... Okay, what do you want to do?

* Chris (pointing): What if you help me get a little hamster with a hat from that UFO Catcher over there?

* Terry: C'mon, GET SERIOUS!

* Chris: It's not for me, it's for Shermie, okay? Don't think weird things.

* Terry: No, I say that because those machines are a rip-off, and it's practically impossible to win anything from them.

* Chris: I know, I've spent over 5,000 yen while you were playing Virtua Fighter. You wouldn't believe how much I want to destroy humanity right now...

* Terry: Considering that little toy probably costs at most 2,000 yen? Yeah, I can't say I'm surprised, to be honest.

* Chris: Don't make fun of me and give it a try yourself, okay? Because at this rate, I'm going to lose all my money without having achieved anything at all.

And that can't be, dudes, going to the arcades should be treated as an investment in cryptos, and you should put in more money as you lose! That's why Terry decides to help by putting the first hundred yen into the UFO Catcher, as expected, with no results:

* Terry: sh*t, this claw doesn't have enough strength to lift the plushies, they slip away!

Second try:

* Terry: Uff, not only couldn't I get it out, but I've left it in a worse position than it was! Let's see if the next one...

Third try:

* Terry: Damn, close call! But it's very close to the hole, we'll definitely get it on the next one!

So 36 failed attempts later:

* Terry: Look, kid, I think it's time to give up. If you can't get the hamster for Shermie, it's no big deal. It's not as if she was your girlfriend... Or is she?

* Chris: A bit too old for me, don't you think?

* Terry: I don't know, Yamazaki keeps saying that you guys are planning to repopulate the Earth by hooking up with everyone like a ball of snakes. That's why he doesn't hang out with the Hakkeshu; it gives him the creeps.

* Chris: Yamazaki says a lot of nonsense that I don't even know where he gets it from... Anyway, I've got a plan, do you know how to run?

* Terry: Hey, what are you g...?

But before Terry finishes that sentence, Chris is already performing a Chain Slide Touch DM, causing several dolls to fall into the hole by repeatedly hitting the machine:

* Chris (picking up the dolls and running away): SO START RUNNING!

* Arcade Attendant: Hey, you don't play the UFO Catcher like that, damn gaijin have no shame!

And while Terry and Chris run through the streets of Osaka pursued by SEGA employees, back at the Karaoke Bar, we find Ryo with his head resting on the table, looking sad, while another person present there performs a song that if you're fans of Ryu Ga Gotoku, you've heard time and time again:

"DAME DA NE DAME YO DAME NA NO YO
ANTA GA SUKI DE SUKISUGITE
DORE DAKE TSUYOI OSAKE DEMO
YUGAMANAI OMOIDE GA BAKA MITAI"

* Ryo: *Sighh* Life sucks, dudes!

* Joe: Hey, can you tell us what's bothering you? It's impossible that gin mixed with whisky, rum, and vodka has hit you so hard!

* Ryo: I'm like the guy in the song, alcohol doesn't make me forget my problems. It's the other way around, it makes me remember them even more.

* Yuri: Cheer up, onii-chan, it's not that bad.

* Ryo: Really? You'll tell me that when we lose the dojo and have to live under a bridge.

* Robert: Hold on a second, what are you talking about losing the dojo? You didn't say anything about it, neither did Takuma!

* Yuri: Because he doesn't know yet, but while he was fooling around with the samurais...

* Ryo: Yuri, don't say another word!

* Yuri: Don't be so proud! Robert is like family, and Joe is our friend; maybe they can help us.

* Ryo: No, they can't! This isn't a problem that can be solved with money or by force, no matter how hard I think about it, I can't see a solution.

"BAKA MITAI HONTOU BAKA NE
ANTA SHINJIRU BAKARI DE
TSUYOI ONNA NO FURI SETSUNASA NO YOKAZE ABIRU"

* Joe: Something that can't be solved with money or by force? Does that exist?

* Robert: Like your situation with Lilly, for instance?

* Joe: Or yours with Yuri, for f*ck's sake? Or Ryo's with King?

"HITORI NI NATTE SANNEN GA SUGI
MACHINAMI SAE MO KAWARIMAsh*tA
NA NO NI NA NO NI DOUsh*tE MIREN DAKE OKIZARI"

* Ryo: Okay, I'll explain it to you, even if it's just to change the subject... Robert, do you remember the exercise of breaking beer bottles with Karate chops?

* Robert: Of course, it's the 101 of Kyokugenryu.

* Ryo: Can you believe we had a student do it, and he cut the tendons of his right hand? And now he's one-handed, typical of the Crystal Generation...

* Yuri: And on top of that, he goes and files a lawsuit against us! As if he hadn't been in the dojo for 2 weeks already, or as if we weren't doing it for his own good!

* Robert: That guy is a moron, how is he gonna increase his power gauge if he doesn't do that? Then he shouldn't complain if his Koohken doesn't reach far.

* Ryo: Yes, that's exactly what I told him. But no, he's insisted on taking us to court for criminal negligence or something like that.

"HONMA NI ROKU NA OTOKO YA NAI
SOROI NO YUBIWA HAZUSHIMASU
ZAMAA MIRO SEISEI SURU WA
II KAGEN MATTETE MO BAKA MITAI"

* Robert: Are you sure it can't be fixed with money? Because with a good lawyer or by bribing the guy...

* Ryo: Unless we directly bribe the judge...

* Robert: Okay, it'll be a bit more expensive, but in South Town it'd be easy.

* Ryo: No! We got ourselves into this, and we'll resolve it ourselves. Enough of relying on your money... It's embarrassing, man!

"DAME DA NE DAME YO DAME NA NO YO..."

* Joe (patting him on the back): That's the way to talk! That's what I call facing life with balls! And you, stop singing sad stuff already! You're depressing my friend!

To which the sharply dressed guy with a serious face and yakuza vibes on stage simply responds:

* Kiryu: Nani?

* Joe: Look, you're doing it great, but would you mind stopping with the "dame da ne" already? Sing something more cheerful.

* Yuri: Joe, how can you be so rude? Let that man sing whatever he wants!

* Joe: I can't, it's unfair for him to sing sad things when he's living his life on Easy Mode!

And here, Kiryu (after tragically losing his biological parents, his adoptive father, the love of his life, and almost all his friends, after spending 10 years in prison for a murder he didn't commit, plus another 4 on a matter of principle) could have said something, but he doesn't.

* Ryo: You're a little drunk, aren't you, Joe? What do you know?

* Joe: I don't know, but I can imagine it! He's a yakuza, right? I'm sure he has all the women he wants! I'm sure a problem like the one you have with the dojo guy would be solved with fists or by threatening his family!

* Kiryu: That's enough, kid. Let's take it to the street

* Joe: See what I was sayin'? [To Kiryu]: Nah, I'm not gonna go out on the street to fight you. I'm Joe from the Legend of Joe.

* Kiryu: Who?

* Joe: Joe from the Legend of Joe, man! Haven't you ever seen me in KOF?

* Kiryu: KOF? What's that, must be some modern thing.

[NOTE: For Kiryu, "modern" means "that happened after the '80s."]

* Joe: Are you messing with me or did you just wake up from a coma? Seriously, you don't know what KOF is?

* Kiryu: I think I've seen a sign with that name before. Does it have something to do with the neighborhood association "We Don't Want the KOF Final to Be Held in Our Neighborhood, We Prefer a Nuclear Cemetery"?

* Joe: Okay, now I'm sure you're messing with me, who wouldn't want the KOF final to be held near their home? You're lucky I don't wanna pick fights with normal people 'cause I could destroy you just by looking at ya!

* Robert: Joe...

* Kiryu: Do you want me to tell you how many professional fighters I've beaten up?

Uh oh, an ideological shodown is brewing between two completely opposite personalities, the stoic yakuza who goes through life like a samurai and the loudmouth ex-yankii Muay Thai champion. Which will inevitably end (how could it not?) with a fight. But that will be in the next episode, or else this one will never end.

Chapter 12: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part IV)

Chapter Text

Outside the Karaoke Bar in Sotenbori, and continuing from the previous episode, we find Joe doing warm-up hops before his fight with Kiryu, and the Kyokugenryu folks slightly disheveled for being unable to prevent the impending absurd brawl:

* Joe: Just so you know, you asked for this! You really wanna get your ass kicked when you're... what, 60 years old?

* Kiryu: It was going to end like this anyway, so why dwell on it? Let's get started already, you're wasting all your energy running your mouth!

That's the Dragon of Dojima for you; life has taught him that a punch is worth a thousand words. Not that Joe disagrees with that, but the problem is he still thinks his opponent is just an ordinary guy and he wouldn't want to leave him in a wheelchair. So, he starts with a couple of weak punches, which Kiryu dodges by moving backward very quickly, then immediately counterattacks with a combo of punches and kicks that our Muay Thai champion effortlessly blocks:

* Joe: Hahaha, is that the best you can do? Ain't there any martial arts experts among the yakuza anymore?

But obviously, there are, as our friend has realized once Kiryu saw his next attack coming and delivered a punch to his stomach as a counter, sending him flying a dozen miles away. It's the supreme technique of the Komaki school called the Tiger Drop, which may not do much damage to someone like Joe, but it caught him by surprise.

* Joe (standing up and taking off his shirt): Whoa, do you have superpowers? What a relief, for a moment I thought this would be a crappy fight!

* Robert: Joe, what are you doing? Don't strip in the middle of the street!

* Yuri: You're making us so embarrassed, and you said you wouldn't get carried away!

By now, a bunch of people has gathered around them to witness the rest of the fight, but Joe doesn't seem to care at all as he takes off his shoes and pants to stay in his underwear, as he usually does:

* Joe: It's just too hot and humid, that's what Japan is like in the summer. Hey, old man, take something off too or you're gonna have a heat stroke!

* Kiryu: I wasn't going to do it for a drunken brawl, but if you insist...

FWOOOSH! This is when Kiryu instantly takes off his jacket and shirt as if he were a Toon Force stripper straight from hell, revealing the silver dragon tattoo on his back. To the delight of the audience, as even though Kiryu is from the Kanto region, he is also quite well-known in Osaka.

* Street tissue vendor: Now it's on! Things are getting serious!

* Yakuza passing by: Give 'em hell, Fourth Chairman of the Tojo Clan!

* Robert: Wait, this guy has fans?

Well, of course he does! How could he not have them when he switched to Beast Style and just lifted a motorcycle that was parked there with the intention of smashing it on Joe's head? Luckily, our friend reacted in time with an Ougon no Kakato that left the motorcycle in pieces:

* Kiryu: Well done, kid! I'm starting to believe you're not all talk.

But of course, the moment he spent destroying the motorcycle left Joe vulnerable to a punch in the solar plexus that almost knocked him to the ground. Although he managed to roll in time and counterattack with a hook plus a couple of kicks to the face (one with the left foot and one with the right), followed by a knee to the jaw in the form of a Tiger Kick that sent Kiryu crashing backwards through the glass door of the cabaret club across from the Karaoke bar, the famous Club Sunshine:

* Yuri: Uh, shouldn't we make a run for it before they make us pay for the damage?

* Ryo: Hold on, this is getting interesting. I mean, look at the yakuza, there's an aura forming around him, could it be what I think it is?

Exactly, that's Kiryu visibly charging up his heat gauge, and he's already reached the maximum. In addition to enhancing some of his abilities, he can now execute Heat Actions (which are like supers, but situational). Joe better be careful because they're pretty nasty:

* Joe: Get outta there, old man, you're disturbing the kyabakuras! Or are you gonna make me come in and bring you out?

But as soon as the Tiger sets foot in the club, the Dragon catches him by surprise, violently slamming his face into the counter, kicking him in the head and delivering a second kick to his neck before he falls to the ground (see what I was saying about Heat Actions?), finishing with a stomp on the ribs to make it difficult for him to get back up:

* Club patron: Hey, what are you doing? Don't you know a kick to the neck can kill a person?

* Kiryu: You're wrong, yours truly has never killed anyone.

Sure, we already know, but even so, that seems to have pissed Joe off a little. So as soon as he gets up, he reacts by blocking Kiryu's next attack, throwing him against the wall with a C+D kick, catching him on the rebound with a Hurricane Upper, reaching him before he falls to the ground with a Slash Kick, and canceling it into his Baku-Sla Golden Tiger DM (or in other words, a beatdown that includes most of his special moves):

* Joe: You're good, but you didn't expect this, did you? And you're lucky I can't start zoning right here or I'd give you a real beating!

* Yuri (timidly peeking into the club): Uh... Are you guys still alive? Have you decided who's the Alpha male already?

* Joe: Pffft, we haven't even started deciding yet!

* Kiryu (spitting blood): We still have a fight ahead of us.

* Yuri: Yeah, I suspected as much, but there's a man out there asking for Kazuma Kiryu... Are you him?

At that moment, Daigo Dojima appears with an impressive entourage of yakuza (actually, ex-yakuza, but I don't want to spoil Ryu Ga Gotoku 7) who enter the club, kicking down what was left of the glass door, as if the kyabakuras and their customers weren't already terrified enough. Quite an absurd reaction, of course, because Daigo is a good guy despite all the yakuza paraphernalia that always surrounds him:

* Daigo (with one arm in a sling): Kiryu, I finally found you! The Jingweon are back, you have to do something!

Poor Kiryu, how peaceful he would be at his self-managed orphanage if these things ever stopped happening to him... But well, let's take a moment with Krohnen and Angel during their death race on the Hanshin highway, just as the former has just pulled a wheelie to dodge the string of highly explosive firecrackers thrown at him by the bosozoku riding in front of him, and the latter has kicked another motorcyclist (bike included) into the guardrail:

* Krohnen: Tsk, we won't last long if we keep this up.

* Angel: Neta? Why do you say that?

* Krohnen: Because every time you move, you destabilize the... Ouch, don't hit me again, damn it!

And while it's true that Angel probably shouldn't be doing so many stunts on the back seat, it's also true that she's preventing anyone from getting too close so that Krohnen can focus on driving, which is appreciated considering that the bosozoku are trying to hit them with iron bars from every possible angle. Meanwhile, at the head of the pack, quite a distance ahead of the rest and looking back:

* Bosozoku Leader: HAW HAW HAW! What's wrong, KOF dude, can't catch up to me? Is the big-tit* chick weighing you down?

* Angel: GRRRR! Step on it, Krohnen, we've gotta kick that Tokyo Revenger wannabe's ass!

* Bosozoku 1: Boss! Boss, look ahead, there's a tru...!

POW!

Holy Mother of God, a speeding trailer just ran over the bosozoku leader, sending him and his bike flying through the air like a ragdoll! And no, it's not your typical "Dragon Engine stuff," it was a full-blown spectacular hit-and-run that left our friends and the rest of the bosozoku so shocked that they could barely move out of the truck's path in time, which continues on its way without slowing down in the slightest:

* Bosozoku 2 (getting off the motorcycle and approaching the corpse): Nakayama! Nakayama, answer me, man!

* Bosozoku 3: He's dead! And that son of a bitch didn't even stop the truck, damn him!

* Bosozoku 4: C'mon, back to the bikes! We gotta kick that bastard's head in for what he did to the boss! [To the KOF guys]: Are you coming?

Naturally, our friends didn't need much time to think about their answer:

* Krohnen: Sounds fair to me.

* Angel: Yeah, deep down he seemed buena onda.

* Bosozoku 2 (getting on the bike): Well so then, LET'S GO!

And so, the bosozoku, accompanied by Angel and Krohnen, began a violent pursuit in revenge for such an injustice, regardless of the fact that they were the ones driving in the opposite direction on the highway. But let's take a moment inside the truck's cabin, because surely they have their own point of view:

* Driver: We f*cked up, aniki, now we're going to prison for life! And all because of the last bosozoku left in all of Japan!

* Co-driver: Shut up, and you call yourself yakuza? I'm calling HQ right now and asking the boss what we should do.

* Driver: The boss should never have closed that deal with the Americans, they're crazy! Haven't you seen the guy in the mask? Do you think he's normal?

Meanwhile, one of the bikers has dangerously approached the trailer cabin from the outside and is banging on the body with an iron bar:

* Bosozoku 5: Stop the truck, you sons of bitches! We're gonna lynch you!

* Co-driver (on the phone): Oyaji, sorry to bother you, but we've encountered a small problem. We accidentally ran over some kid on the highway, and...

* Patriarch Kobayashi (also on the phone): What are you saying? I can't hear you!

* Bosozoku 5: Stop the truck already, you motherf...!!

*BLAM*

* Co-driver (putting away the shotgun and rolling up the car window): Sorry, can you hear me better now? I'm saying that some brats...

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Don't bother me with that crap, I already know! Mr. K's people will take care of it. You just keep driving to the pier and don't worry about it!

* Co-driver: He knows? And how the f*ck does he know?

But Patriarch Kobayashi had already hung up, although he probably knows because they told him from the combat helicopter that has been escorting the truck for several miles. The same one that just descended almost to the ground in front of the bosozoku before opening fire with the machine gun:

*RATATATATATATATATATARATATATATA!!*

Needless to say, this has caused a tangled mess of slaughtered kids and motorcycles smashed to pieces, not to mention such a chaos in traffic (among the other vehicles on the highway) that makes Hokutomaru's stage in MOTW look like nothing. Although it doesn't seem like being surrounded by people blown to pieces by shrapnel or badly wounded and agonizing on the asphalt amidst screams of pain and panic has moved Angel in the slightest:

* Angel: Tsk. Time to head back to the hotel, don't you think, papucho?

* Krohnen: What are you saying? You really think they're gonna get away with this?

* Angel: These vatos were nothing to us, after all.

* Krohnen (revving up the motorcycle): So?

*RATATATATATATATATATARATATATATA!!*

Angel doesn't quite understand why Krohnen is doing this (probably he doesn't even know himself), but the fact is they are recklessly plowing through the hail of bullets, closing in on the helicopter with every passing moment. Something the crew on board, logically, don't intend to allow:

* Gunner: Hey, raise this thing up! I don't know the guy driving, but I've seen the girl at KOF!

So he knows that if they stay at this height, Angel could jump off the bike and reach them, so the pilot listens to him and elevates about 70 feet off the ground. More than enough to gun down a couple of kamikaze kids from a safe distance, or at least that's what he thought:

* Krohnen: Kono chikara deeee...rggg...NEJIFUSERUUUUU!!

BOOOM, the helicopter just crashed into the ground and exploded due to Krohnen's Calamity Overdrive! For those who don't know, his arm turns into a uncontrollable and gigantic drill-shaped mass of metal before returning to normal a second later, after the helicopter has already crashed and lost control:

* Angel: Hey, what happened to your Crazy Meat's SDM?

* Krohnen (braking the bike with his foot): Forget that, we need to find out if there are survivors and ask them where the truck is going.

But that's going to be a bit difficult because the crew members are already carbonized. And they've still been lucky, as if my theory is correct and the new Krohnen is inspired by Tetsuo the Iron Man instead of an arm turning into a drill, it could have been his dick (ooops, sorry for the spoiler). Let's forget about that and get back to the truck because a few kilometers away they've encountered a police checkpoint:

* Driver: Aniki, what do we do now? Because between what has happened before and what we have here...

* Co-driver: What are we gonna do? We stop the truck.

* Driver: I remind you that in Japan, we have the Death Penalty.

* Co-driver: Yeah, and also useless cops; one thing compensates for the other. You stay calm and let me do the talking, ok?

* Police Officer 1: Excuse us, we are conducting a sobriety checkpoint. Would you be so kind as to get out of the truck?

* Driver: No, man, we're in a hurry.

* Police Officer 2: But it's our job! It will only take a moment, please let us test you!

And as the police officers were already begging and on the verge of tears, the yakuza felt sorry for them and got out of the trailer:

* Co-driver: Well, but make it quick. We have things to do.

* Police Officer 2: Hey, have you had an accident? Do you know that your bumper is dented and covered in bloodstains?

* Police Officer 1 (giving him a slap on the head): Okamura, don't be so rude! What do you care about these gentlemen's lives?

* Police Officer 2: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I wasn't snooping; I just wanted to warn them that driving damaged vehicles brings bad luck!

* Driver: (Pffft, these cops... They seem like a Manzai comedy duo!)

* Police Officer 1: Real bad luck indeed.

*BLAM*

Before you could say anything, the first police officer pulled out his standard-issue firearm and shot the co-driver point-blank in the face before he could react.

* Driver: Hey, w-what the f*ck?!? You guys ain't...!

* Police Officer 2 (pointing at his head): Cops? Of course not, you stupid Jap! We're the Jingweon and proud of it!

*BLAM*

And without further delay, a group of guys in camouflage clothing and submachine guns who were lurking around there opened the trailer doors and entered, while the two "police officers" (so to speak) got in the cab and started the engine.

Where are they going? Well, we'll see, but for now, let's go back to Terry, who has just come out of a Don Quixote dressed in a hat, sunglasses, and a trench coat:

* Chris: But why are you dressing like that in the middle of summer? I don't get it!

* Terry: I had no choice, people were already mistaking me for Logan Paul.

Here it should be clarified that while fleeing the arcades at full speed, Terry accidentally pushed a cart of noodles, and it slid down a slope, crashing into a group of Buddhist monks, who ended up soaked in ramen. And the worst part is that our friends couldn't even apologize because SEGA employees were hot on their heels, fortunately, they finally managed to lose them.

* Chris: Don't you think you went more unnoticed before? Oh well, it's up to you.

* Terry: Hey Chris, about doing a DM to the UFO Catcher just to win a plush toy and then running away...

* Chris: Yes, I know it was wrong. I'm sure when there are only 7 or 8 of us left on Earth, I'll feel really guilty about it.

* Terry: Do you even listen to the nonsense you say? Oh well, where are we going now since we can't go back to the arcades? Maybe to the bowling alley?

"I told you, kyodai, didn't I tell you? This is so big that they've called even the CIA!"

Our friends turn around to see who said that, only to find a guy with an eye patch and armed with a baseball bat:

* Majima: You're dead wrong if you think we're gonna let some spy mess with us!

And here, Terry had to step back, bending his knees to avoid the impact of the bat against his face, and even then, it missed him by inches. It's clear that the yakuza with the gaudy jacket is almost a baseball pro, if it weren't for his slightly flawed depth perception, he would have hit him for sure:

* Terry (getting up and taking a few steps back): Hey, I'm not a spy! What's wrong with you, are you outta your mind?

* Majima: That's exactly what a spy would say!

Majima starts running and flips in the air, hoping that the momentum of this move will help him crack Terry's head with the bat. Luckily, our friend has stopped the bat in time between his palms (ala the guys from SamSho), and then he kicks Majima in the chest, sending him flying into a cluster of parked bicycles:

* Terry (throwing the bat over his shoulder): Listen to me, you're making no sense! To be in the CIA you need an education, do I look like I have one?

* Majima: Dunno, but it pisses me off that the Americans think we can't solve our own problems!

Majima said, getting up from the ground as he slides a short sword from the right sleeve of his jacket. Something that Terry can't see from his perspective, but Chris can since he's on the other side:

* Chris: Watch out, Mr. Bogard! He's got a knife!

* Saejima (behind him): Kid, stay out of this.

The one who just said that is a nearly 6'66''-tall Japanese guy, almost 220 lb, practically bald, and wearing camouflage pants. But let's focus on his sworn brother, who just unleashed a combo of 5 strikes with kicks, flips, and knife attacks so fast that Terry barely has time to block it, all while laughing like a madman:

* Terry: Great, another Yamazaki in the making... Nothing I say is gonna stop this fight, right?

* Majima: Nope, 'cause you have no f*cking clue about anything! In the early '80s, when I was a kid, my clan was at war with the Jingweon, a Korean mafia.

The aforementioned keeps moving back and forth all the time, moving in such an acrobatic way that it's almost like he's dancing and taking the opportunity to throw a few stabs here and there, which Terry is currently just dodging.

* Terry: Why are you telling me this?

* Majima: Shut up, you're making me lose track! Well, the thing is, Kazama-san and my boss Shimano killed most of them, but the survivors swore to seek revenge on the Tojo Clan. And not in the "we gotta kill those yakuza motherf*ckers" way, don't think that. More like "So now we're gonna destroy Kamurocho."

* Terry: Kamurocho? Isn't that in Tokyo?

* Majima: Didn't I already tell you not to interrupt?

At that moment, the Mad Dog of Shimano launches a series of especially fast slashes followed by a low kick that Terry easily dodges. What he didn't expect was for him to throw the knife and continue attacking while it spins in the air. If things had gone the way he wanted, he would have reached it when it landed and stabbed his opponent in the chest. Luckily, Terry saw it coming and interrupted the attack with a couple of punches to his face.

* Majima: Heh heh, well done... In the end, they came back in 2006, and we kicked their asses. And ten years later, we did it again.

* Terry: Those Jingweon guys are quite persistent, huh?

* Majima: You're right, they're all about "Death before Dishonor"... But why won't you attack?

* Terry: Because I was finding the story interesting, but if that's what you want...

POWER CHARGE! The Hungry Wolf charges at Majima, hitting him with his shoulder and sending him flying, only to cancel this with our favorite super-realistic move, the Rising Tackle. This naturally leaves Saejima amazed, because seeing someone upside down and propelling themselves upward with kicks is not something you see every day.

* Saejima: Man, what the f*ck did your friend just do?!?

* Chris: You know what, Mr. Bogard? I'm getting bored, let's kill these guys!

Having said that, he jumps towards Saejima, delivering a combo of punches with both hands, low kicks, and elbows culminating in a Shooting Dancer Thrust with a punch to the groin (what a charming kid). All of this before Saejima even has time to react, of course:

* Saejima: Ouch! What do you think you're playing at? Stop f*cking around, I wouldn't want beat the sh*t out of a kid!

* Chris: You'll be lucky if this kid doesn't beat the sh*t out of you!

Saejima is nowhere as useless as people say, but he is indeed the slowest of all playable characters in Ryu Ga Gotoku by far. That's why for Chris, it's easy to drive him crazy with two things that abound in his arsenal and against which the Tiger of Sasai has virtually no defense (cross-ups and overheads). So, let's not waste much time narrating this fight and focus on the Terry vs. Majima, because the latter has just started spinning like a top with the nice intention of cutting his opponent:

* Terry (dodging): Y'know, at first, you reminded me of Yamazaki, but your style is more like Duck King's or Bob Wilson's... And what are you doing now? It looks like a technique from Master Tung.

* Majima: Great, but if you don't focus you're gonna end up in pieces!

* Terry (rolling back): I'm more concerned about how the other fight might end... BURN KNUCKLE!

POW, a powerful smack right in the face that stopped the spinning top dance dead in its tracks. And mind you, Majima pulled off a few Break Dance spins as he got up from the ground. If Terry had approached him during that, he would've earned a string of kicks. But why bother walking up when you can jump with a Power Dunk, toss your opponent against the wall, and then catch them on the rebound with a High Angle Geyser? Which is exactly what just happened, and in the meantime:

* Chris: Haha, you can't even see where the punches are coming from, how pathetic!

Our friend said, leaping over Saejima's head before canceling this move in his SDM of the flying kicks, as it has been possible for ages (except in KOF XV). And he intended to continue the high-speed beatdown, but thankfully, Terry grabbed him by the shoulder to stop him:

* Terry: Alright, that's enough, Chris... We already know how this ends!

* Chris: What are you doing? I didn't interfere in your fight!

* Terry: Yeah, but you said you were gonna kill him, and that's something I won't allow.

Is Terry's concern unfounded? I don't know. Saejima is a really strong guy who can uproot lampposts and beat you with them, not to mention break guards at the end of his combos. If he manages to catch Chris (emphasis on "if"), one hit and he's gone. So let's allow him to express his point of view:

* Saejima (getting up): Pfff! Hey, American, ain't you exaggerating? I mean, he's fast, but it's not like I'm scared of this kid.

* Terry: You should be, 'cause he's a bit possessed.

* Chris: Hey, I'm not possessed or anything like that!

* Terry: It's just a way of talking. You wouldn't want us to explain the whole Orochi saga to these guys, would you?

* Chris: And why not, they've explained the Jingweon lore to us pretty thoroughly!

* Terry: Look, this has just been a misunderstanding, okay? I'm fine with it as long as it's clear we're no spies.

* Majima (bleeding on the ground): We know that, Terry-chan. We've seen you in KOF.

* Terry: So can I ask why you're attacking me?

* Majima: Because we're in a real mess here, and I have no idea how we're gonna solve it! I thought maybe brawling with you would help me come up with something.

* Terry: Well, that's an interesting way to think! But hey, if in the end, what you guys are trying to do is save Kamurocho, maybe we can help...

Chapter 13: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part V)

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode in a Pachinko parlor, where Lady Luck in the form of metal balls seems to be smiling at Billy and Yamazaki:

* Billy: Ain't we leavin' yet? Ain't we leavin' yet? Ain't we leavin' yet? Ain't we leavin' yet?

* Yamazaki: Stop poking me with the stick, damn it! And yeah, we're leavin', but it's 'cause you're driving me nuts!

* Billy: Hey, on top of me playing the bodyguard so the yakuza don't f*ck you up?!?

* Yamazaki: 'cause it's in your interest! 'cause if I get killed you'll have to bring that butler into the team, and you can't stand him!!!

* Billy: Don't piss me off, like I don't have other options! Like smackin' you on the 'ead, gettin' you into a taxi and takin' you back to the hotel!

* Yamazaki: Haha, let's see if you have the balls to try it! And what the f*ck you're complaining about when, thanks to me, you've learned some new Japanese sh*t, Geese will be pleased!

In the midst of this, an employee from the salon approached them, saying, "Gentlemen, please, you're bothering the other customers." But Yamazaki delivered a punch that quickly turned his face upside down. Although this helped calm things down a bit, they are now collecting their winnings and getting ready to exchange them at the counter:

* Billy: Bollocks, I already knew how to play Pachinko! Although, to be honest, I wasn't expecting us to do so well.

* Yamazaki: Didn't I tell you we'd crush it? Did I or didn't I? After all, I brought an amulet I swiped from those suckers earlier, and a Biriken.

* Billy: A Birikan would be more like it... And wasn't Pachinko supposed to be a game of skill?

* Yamazaki: Well, you know... [To the guy at the counter]: Hey, you, give me a voucher to exchange it for cash at the store across the street and a spiked collar for this guy!

* Billy: For me? Why not for your mum, the slu*t?

* Yamazaki: Shut up, today you're my guard dog, and I'll customize you however I want!

And then they'd be surprised that Gato refuses to be associated with them, or that Mary skipped the excursion entirely just because she didn't want to coincide with them... Besides, that polite language and those refined manners also seemed to discomfort the Pachinko manager for some incomprehensible reason:

* Manager (in Korean): What's wrong with these idiots, they won't stop fighting, pushing each other, and arguing? Change their balls and make them leave as soon as possible!

* Counter attendant (also in Korean): Right away, boss.

But it was just then when a bunch of yakuza stormed into the parlor shouting, "YAMAZAKI, SHINE!!" and a hail of bullets erupted just like that. Fortunately, our friends managed to dodge the first barrage of shots by grabbing a few gamblers passing by and using them as human shields, then taking cover behind the Pachinko machines while they figured out how to close the gap between them and their attackers:

* Yakuza 1: Uh, aniki? Are we gonna have to... get closer to them?

* Yakuza 2: YOU f*ckING COWARDS! COME OUT AND SHOW YOUR FACES OR...!

Unfortunately, our thugs from Fatal Fury are out of bullets because they used them all up four episodes ago, but they've solved that problem by surrounding the Pachinko machines from different sides and successfully flanking the group of enemies. By the time one of them spots Yamazaki, he's almost upon him, so he shoots him without a second thought. However, Yamazaki grabs/parries/absorbs the bullet with the hand he almost always keeps in his pocket and returns it as a red-blooded energy projectile that travels at twice the speed (they other guy won't be getting up again, RIP).

On the other hand, Billy has his trusty Senpuukon move to deflect the bullets, obviously it wasn't a good idea to try to shoot down two guys who are (at the very least) bullet-timers. And the worst part is that at this distance, they can start using their fists, stick and knife so let's fast-forward a bit to the moment when only one enemy is left bleeding on the ground with a broken head:

* Billy: Hey, ain't you ashamed of the mess you're causing in Osaka, as if the Yakuza didn't have enough problems already?

* Yakuza 3: Dunno, aren't you ashamed of protecting a scumbag who killed his own oyabun?

* Billy: Seriously, Yamazaki? That's like killing your father, you piece of sh*t!

* Yamazaki: Don't give me that look, not everyone is like you, you know? Sometimes you gotta do these things, or how else are you gonna progress in life?

Our Hakkeshu friend said, giving a few stomps to the head of the yakuza who was on the ground, whether for fun or to shut him up, because this revelation about his past seems to have left Billy a bit thoughtful:

* Billy: Sure, progressing in life... But it didn't work out too well, huh, Snake? Or you wouldn't have had to take off to Hong Kong.

* Yamazaki: Let's. Change. The subject.

The way he said it, smiling crazier than usual and starting to take his left hand out of his pocket (a sign that a violent mental breakdown is coming, like in the ending of the Outlaw Team in KOF 2003), has aroused even more curiosity in Billy. But he'll have to hold back for now because a dozen guys dressed in military clothing and armed with knives have just come out of the back room:

* Manager: You two! Out of my place now!

* Billy: Pffft, or else, old man? You're gonna sic the Airsoft guys on us?

* Manager: Look, I have nothing against you, and I'd prefer to settle this peacefully, but...

* Yamazaki: LESS TALKIN' AND MORE BUTCHERIN' THESE MOTHERf*ckERS!

At this point, Yamazaki is no longer open to solve things through reason (which he rarely is, but you get the idea), so he jumped, grabbed one of the newcomers by the skull, dragged him across the floor of the establishment, smashed his head 6 or 7 times, and then sent him flying through the air with a couple of kicks. Mind you, I don't imagine our friend as crazy as they usually depict him in KOF because I prefer his Fatal Fury version, but the earlier conversation made him remember... things:

* Manager (hiding behind the counter): B-but...but that guy is a beast! No wonder the Yakuza wants to exterminate him!

"Totally agree," Billy is thinking, although he already thought that way before. But right now, he has other things to worry about because while his fighting style is great for facing entire groups of enemies, when you're in a narrow space surrounded by machines and other obstacles, Bojutsu is not that effective. For now, he's solving it by keeping his back close to the wall and delivering quick and accurate blows to anyone who approaches with the healthy intention of a) smashing their skulls or b) fracturing their sternums with enough force for bone fragments to pierce their lungs. But all of that is quite boring compared to what Yamazaki seems to be enjoying in the midst of his fit of madness:

* Yamazaki (shouting from afar): HEY, GEESE'S DOG, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? NOW I CAN REACH FURTHER THAN YA!

And indeed he does, because he has sliced a guy from top to bottom, pulled out his intestines, and is using them as a whip to strike the rest of the enemies. This is especially annoying to his teammate from Team South Town, not because of the moral implications but because he's getting everything dirty:

* Billy (same): Yama, if you splatter me with sh*t, I swear I'll break your head! Learn to kill people without making a mess, damn it!

And as an example is worth more than a thousand words, he just delivered a sharp blow with the sansetsukon to the throat of one of the yakuza who immediately dropped dead. But to tell the truth, Yamazaki has already figured out why Billy has taken to fighting in such an unamusing way:

* Yamazaki: GYAHAHAHAH, THE PROBLEM WITH YOU IS THAT WITH ALL THOSE MACHINES, YOU CAN'T FIGHT FOR sh*t! THAT'S WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT TO COME TO THE PACHINKO PARLOR!

* Billy: Oh yeah? Just wait and see how quickly I get rid of 'em!

No idea how our favorite hooligan can do this, but the fact is that in a second, the stick has increased to about three times in length and thickness (or turned into a bunch of sticks, depending on whether you want to imagine it ala Fatal Fury or ala KOF), and with a couple of hits, he sent most of the pachinkos and remaining enemies flying through the air engulfed in flames, only for the stick to immediately return to its normal size. And then, three things happened within a few minutes, namely:

1) The fight was definitively over.

2) Yamazaki wiped his hands clean of blood and guts with some advertising flyers and returned to his charming not-so-crazy persona.

3) A neon green taxi with flames painted on the body parked nearby, and its occupants entered the establishment, trying not to stumble over the corpses.

* Ryo: Ummm... Yuri, I'm going to cover your eyes with a handkerchief if you don't mind, okay? There are some slightly unpleasant things on the floor, so trust me on this.

* Yuri: Ewww! co*ckroaches, right?

* Ryo (covering her eyes): Yes, exactly. It's better you don't see them, so you won't have nightmares tonight.

* Yamazaki: Geez, what a lousy way to raise a sister. The sooner she gets used to these things, the better! What about you, would you do the same?

* Billy: ...

* Joe: Of course he would... Hey, bro-in-law, what a mess you guys are causing, huh?

* Billy: Don't call me "bro-in-law," or I'll kick your arse! And we didn't do sh*t, I don't know what you're talking 'bout.

* Ryo: What do you mean "we didn't do sh*t", we just saw the pachi-slots flying from the street! How can you have so little shame?

* Kiryu: Hey, Robato, are these chinpira friends of yours or something?

* Robert: Nah, it's just that they're also from KOF. They were on the bus with us, but we had to kick them out.

* Yamazaki: Who are you calling a "chinpira," huh? I know the Kyokugenryu nutjobs and the monkey, but who the hell are you?

* Yuri (blindfolded): How charming and well-mannered, Yamazaki-san. Does the name "Dragon of Dojima" ring a bell?

* Yamazaki: It sounds like a guy from the Tojo Clan who ALSO offed his oyabun.

* Billy: Tsk, another bastard. It's non-stop today...

That's not exactly how it happened, not by a long shot, but Kiryu has already figured them out and isn't going to waste time explaining. Instead, he's taken to noticing the looks of some of the guys lying on the ground:

* Kiryu: These people seem like Jingweon members. Is there anyone left we can talk to? Hey, you!

* Jingweon Survivor: Haha, too late, scum! We'd rather die than give you information!

Having said that, he opens a ring he has in his right hand, brings it to his mouth, and swallows the poison inside, dying instantly amidst spurts of blood, presumably for added dramatic effect. Thankfully, Ryo was quick to cover his sister's ears so she couldn't hear the agonizing death:

* Billy: WOW, using poison rings is a good idea. I'll take note of that!

* Yamazaki: And you call me a psycho?

* Billy: Urusee! Hey Higashi, who's the yakuza in the suit, and what the f*ck are you guys doing here?

* Joe: Just some guy we met at the karaoke bar, and we're helping him save Kamurocho.

* Billy: Kamurocho? That's in Tokyo, you twat!

* Joe: I know, damn it, I'm Japanese, remember? But we were in a fight, and then his friend showed up and said that the Korean mafia had a plan to destroy Kamurocho with something they were gonna steal from some Americans or something along these lines.

* Kiryu: You talk too much, Higashi.

* Joe: But I'm trying to get my thoughts in order because the plot is too complex! I mean, I don't even understand how that Daigo guy found out about all this...

* Kiryu: Because we have a friend in Kamurocho who has the whole neighborhood filled with cameras and microphones. [Seeing the puzzled look on the SNK guys]: Yes, I know it's hard to believe.

And that's when the Pachinko manager stepped out from behind the counter and addressed the newcomers:

* Manager: Hold on a moment, if you don't even know what's going on, why have you come here?

* Ryo: We just couldn't figure out where to find those Jingweon guys, and since Koreans run the Pachinko parlors...

* Manager: That's the most racist thing I've ever heard! What's the reasoning, that just because we're Koreans, we're automatically part of the mafia?

* Yuri: Don't get so worked up, okay? And you're mistaken, because "we Japanese are not racists, we're xenophobic."

* Manager (enraged): And aren't you ashamed to say that so bluntly?

* Yuri: B-but I'm half American and I live in South Town, I was just imitating a comedian I saw on YouTube! Robert-chan, tell him!

[Note: The comedian is Ken-san from the Japanese Comedian Meshida channel. Those guys are hilarious, I don't understand why some people say Japanese people have no sense of humor...]

* Robert: Listen, I don't want to accuse anyone, but just 2 minutes ago, a guy... well, you know... so that we wouldn't get information out of him. That's a bit suspicious, don't you think?

* Kiryu: You're the only one left, so you better tell us where to find the rest of the Jingweon and what you guys are up to.

* Manager: The only what, the only Korean left? And what are you going to do if I don't know what this is about, beat up a man over 70 years old?

Needless to say, as soon as the yakuza entered and started shooting, both the customers and the rest of the workers in the establishment ran out of there in a panic. So, among those whom Billy and Yamazaki took out, and the one who performed the self-immolation, the manager is basically the only Korean who is still alive. So, after 5 minutes of deliberation, Kiryu's group decides to leave the place, as the alternative was to torture an old man who keeps insisting that he knows nothing:

* Joe: Well, bro-in-law, we're outta here... Aren't you guys leaving?

* Yamazaki: Nah, we're gonna stay and play a little longer.

* Billy: Pachinko is the sh*t, I'm totally hooked.

* Robert: But what Pachinko? You guys trashed all the machines! Besides, with the mess you've caused, the police won't take long to show up.

* Kiryu: Japanese cops...

* Robert: What were you gonna say, "are useless"? Just like in South Town, dude!

* Ryo: The idea isn't to save these two from the police, it's more like the opposite.

* Kiryu: Actually, I have a somewhat more complex opinion about the police. But let's go already; let's not waste any more time.

* Ryo (leaving the establishment and taking Yuri with him): There's something called "deportation," you know? It involves causing trouble in a foreign country, and I don't think Geese will be too happy about it...

Meanwhile, at the cabaret club Jack, Kensou and Shun'ei are being entertained (so to speak) by a Sevillian Karen who can't stop complaining about life:

* Unusual Hostess (in Spanish): I came to Japan thinking guys were like Goku and there were mechas on the streets... What a letdown, mi arma!

* Shun'ei: Excuse me, I don't speak your language.

* Unusual Hostess (in Spanish): Shut up and listen, it's my turn to talk! Don't think I'll laugh at your jokes just because it's my job, you misogynist!

* Kensou: I think she's saying she wants a guy like Goku... But Goku is a bad father, he pretty much ignores his wife and kids!

* Shun'ei: She doesn't understand you, Kensou.

* Kensou: But this is important, I'll tell her with my telepathy.

Kensou said, beginning to use his psychic powers before Jack interrupted him with a slap on the head.

* Jack: Enough, we didn't come here to talk about Chinese cartoons! This is outrageous. The kyabakuras who were here at the beginning were great, but as our money ran out, they started leaving one by one, and in the end, they brought us this overweight woman who only speaks Spanish. [Slams the table]: BRING THE MANAGER!

* Takuma (approaching): I am the manager, you bunch of morons!

* Kensou: You, Master Sakazaki?

* Takuma: Yes, any problem? Sending the Spanish girl was an attempt to discreetly get rid of you guys, but it seems you didn't catch the message!

* Jack: Well, if you're the manager, that explains everything... No wonder the club is so poorly managed!

* Takuma: What did you say?!?

* Jack: For starters, you're treating us like crap, and everyone knows that for the Japanese, "the customer is God."

* Takuma: The ones who spend money, Jack, not the ones who order a drink every half an hour and keep groping the kyabakuras! These type of customers are just a pain in the ass!

* Jack (pointing): And the second thing is that giant screen over there. Thank goodness it doesn't have sound, but it would be better if it were turned off 'cause it kills the mood.

* Takuma: And what's wrong with that? It's just the news.

* Jack: Mother of Sweet Love, Sakazaki, you don't understand the most basic thing about running a business! People come here to forget their problems, not to watch TV!

* Takuma: But I like TV, you have to stay informed about what's happening in the world!

* Jack: What are you, 80 years old? TV just makes people stupid! Have you ever heard on TV how Bill Gates is installing Windows 11 in our vaccines? Nah, for stayin' informed, the internet is better... Isn't it, kids?

* Kensou: Well, we're Chinese, remember? The internet is restricted for us, and we don't get those cool news.

* Shun'ei: Although the other day I read something about the Flat Earth that seemed interesting...

* Kensou: The Earth is flat? WOW!

* Takuma: Okay, maybe TV makes you stupid, but it's not the only thing! [Turning up the TV volume with the remote control]: And now all three of you be quiet, because it seems like they're saying something very important!

* Giant TV: Breaking news! We've just been informed about the landing of a North Korean Harbin H-5 bomber at an illegal airstrip 10 kilometers from Osaka. However, it is currently unknown how it managed to cross our airspace without being detected by radar and other surveillance systems. The Self-Defense Forces...

Meanwhile, in the offices of the Kobayashi Clan:

* Patriarch Kobayashi (watching TV): Damn, is the news already reporting on this?!?

* Kondo: It happened 3 hours ago, sir.

At this moment, another Yakuza 1 enters through the doors (note that this is not the one mentioned above, as we've restarted the numbering):

* Yakuza 1: Sir! We found Murakami and Takeda dead on the highway. Oh, and the truck is nowhere to be found.

* Patriarch Kobayashi: WHAT? Kondo, call the ones on the helicopter!

* Yakuza 1: They're dead too, boss.

* Patriarch Kobayashi (slamming the table): I can't believe this! Someone has played us!

* Yakuza 1: And as if that's not enough, there are some Koreans outside asking for you.

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Don't bother me with Koreans now, give them a beating and make them leave!

* Kondo: Wait, wasn't there a powerful Korean mafia operating in Kamurocho years ago? The Jingweon or something?

* Patriarch Kobayashi: You think they might be involved in this?

* Kondo: They still exist in Korea; the Tojo Clan has tried to eradicate them from Japan, but they keep reappearing. Perhaps they're interested, you know, in what's in the truck...

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Bring them in right away!

So yeah, the wakagashira of the clan was quite well on track. It seemed that finally the plot was going to get somewhere, too bad a couple of minutes later:

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Are you the Koreans who want to talk to me?

* Kaphwan: Yes, it's a matter of the utmost importance.

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Well, get to the point and don't waste my time, because my patience is already at its limit!

* Kaphwan: Okay, then...

Kim goes to the boss's table and very solemnly places 3 panties there:

* Kaphwan: ...We want to know where this came from!

* Patriarch Kobayashi (enraged): What the f*ck?!? Is this Korean humor or some coded message? Where is my truck? Where is the artifact?

* Kondo (slapping Kim): ANSWER, YOU IDIOT!

* Kaphwan: Hey, no need to insult us, we haven't insulted you! And what truck, what artifact, what are you talking about?

* Kondo: Are you from the Jingweon or not?

Naturally, in the face of such a question, Chang and Choi can't help but burst into laughter:

* Chang: Pffft! No way, we wish!

* Choi: We wouldn't be stuck with this nutjob here if we were in the mafia!

* Kaphwan: Choi...

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Then KILL THEM!

Well, it looks like a new brawl is coming (no surprise, right?). But that will be in the next episode, because this one is already dragging on too long.

Chapter 14: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part VI)

Chapter Text

Still in the offices of the Kobayashi Clan, continuing from the previous episode:

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Then, KILL THEM!

A group of about 20 yakuza armed with katanas, knives, kendo swords, and other weapons burst into the boss's office with clearly homicidal intentions:

* Kaphwan: Hold on! We'd prefer to resolve this peacefully, but if you attack us, rest assured that evil will not be forgiven!

* Kondo: Oi, where's the rest of the clan?

* Yakuza 1: Weeell...

* Kaphwan: We ran into the rest of the clan a couple of hours ago; they were the ones who told us where your office was. We had to give them what they deserved and teach them to walk the right path, so I doubt they'll be coming around here anymore.

* Chang: Sure, 'cause if they do, they're gonna lose their fingers...

* Kaphwan: Whatever the case, Chang! I'll ask you again, where did these panties we found in the used underwear vending machine you have in Sotenbori come from?

* Patriarch Kobayashi (grabbing a katana): I said KILL THESE CRETINS IMMEDIATELY!

KENJI KOBAYASHI
Patriarch of the Kobayashi Clan
Subsidiaries of the Omi Alliance

Uh oh, it seems that the upcoming fight won't be as easy as Kim had expected as he quickly moved backward to dodge the sword strike that was about to hit him, only to find himself caught in the middle of one of Choi's whirlwinds, flying through the air for a second before landing on the ground:

* Choi: Oooops... Don't get in the way, Master Kim, pay more attention!

We might have already forgotten because SNK has been censoring gore a lot lately, but this move uses blades (like almost all of Choi's), and when it hits directly it makes multiple cuts, so now Kim is bleeding profusely and thinking that maybe it would have been better not to dodge the katana, not to mention that the 3 yakuza members who also went flying as a result of the Tatsumaki Shippuu Zan now have a guaranteed visit to the hospital. Kim was going to tell his students to tone down the violence a bit, but then he received a strong blow to the head when Chang swung the ball backward:

* Kaphwan: OUCH! Are you doing this on purpose or what's wrong with you guys?!?

* Chang: What do you expect when we're fighting in a 160-square-feet area?

"It's true, and we're fighters who need a lot of space!" Kim thought as he watched Chang breaking the wall with his ball, hadn't the yakuza members ducked in time this would have sent them to the Netherworld. "And on top of that, my students are going a bit overboard. Maybe bringing a rather dangerous criminal and a serial killer to fight with superpowers and weapons against normal people wasn't a good idea," Kim continued to think, realizing this fact for the first time in his life:

* Kaphwan: Hey, be careful not to kill or maim anyone, or when we get back to the hotel you're going to regret it. I'm serious!

* Kondo (behind him): Gotcha, idiot!

The wakagashira said, repeatedly hitting Kim from behind with brass knuckles as a yellow aura formed around him. Oh, but even though they are characters I made up, let's not forget the introductions, shall we?

HIROMI KONDO
Captain of the Kobayashi Clan
Subsidiaries of the Omi Alliance

By this point, Kim is fed up with taking hits (especially from his own pupils) and decides to step up, even though the fight around him has degenerated into complete chaos. He faces Kondo, dodging the next punch and delivering his rekka: two kicks to the face followed by a flying third kick that sends Kondo flying backwards, crashing into his boss's table, while the boss himself tries to slice Kim's leg with his katana and almost succeeds.

* Patriarch Kobayashi: What hotel? Do you really think you're getting out of here? Don't make me laugh, you're dead!

* Kaphwan: You're wrong. My philosophy makes the easy hard and the hard nearly impossible, but we'll make it happen!

Unyielding to discouragement and to the fact that I struggle to write non-lethal fights in these specific circ*mstances (something that never happens to the Ryu Ga Gotoku writers since people only can die during the cutscenes), our favorite defender of justice counterattacks with his Hangetsuzan, a somersault kick that lands on Patriarch Kobayashi's skull, leaving him dizzy and almost causing him to release the katana. Kondo rushes to try to help his boss by launching a combo of charged punches against Kim, but he has the misfortune of being crossed by Chang in the process:

* Chang: f*ck this! I dunno what Master Kim is complainin' about when I'm the one takin' all the hits!

Let's remember that they are fighting in a very confined space, so it's normal for Chang to get in the way, and it was bound to happen sooner or later. Frustrated, our chubby guy throws himself to the ground with his belly forward, something that would have at least broken Kondo's legs if he wasn't a sub-boss. At this point, Kim is starting to get a little upset watching the Korean mini-Freddy Krueger flying back and forth across the office and using his blades, not to mention that now Chang is spinning the ball above his head to strike anyone who comes near him, and that's another area attack that can send you to the hospital or knock you out cold:

* Kaphwan (dodging the ball): Good grief, and to think that these two are a joke in KOF...

Yes, in the King of Fighters tournament and surrounded by stronger fighters, they might be a joke, but in a slightly more realistic context, they would be a f*cking nightmare. But let's get back to Kim, who has just dodged another slash from Patriarch Kobayashi with a jump and then immediately lunges towards him like lightning, delivering a flurry of all kinds of kicks while shouting:

* Kaphwan: AT-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TAAAA!!!

What culminates in a spectacular flying kick so impressive that it can even create the image of an energy Phoenix in the air, or in other words, his lifelong Hou'ou Kyaku SDM (although in KOF XV, it looks like it's going to be a Climax Move). Needless to say, after this, Patriarch Kobayashi doesn't get up again, and as for Kondo and the rest of the yakuza who weren't KO yet... Well, let's say a 660 lbs guy dove headfirst and landed on them (Tekkyuu Dai Assatsu DM), ending the fight at last:

* Kaphwan: Phew, thank goodness even though the place is small, it has high ceilings. Oh, and thank you very much, Chang, for ending the fight so decisively.

* Chang (getting up): Can we go to the Korean barbecue now?

* Choi: Umm... buddy-boy, have you seen yourself? We'll gotta go to the hospital first 'cause you have a bunch of knives stuck all over your body.

* Chang: Hahaha, that's nothing! My many lbs of... muscles protected me!

That's what happens when you have such a large hurtbox, you end up taking all the punches and stabs that are thrown around. Kaphwan just called the Japanese version of the 112 to request a few ambulances for the yakuza, and he was about to insist that Chang also receive medical attention, but then a girl whom we haven't seen in several chapters came running.

* Panties Girl: Mr. Kim, Mr. Kim!

* Kaphwan: What's up, miss? We haven't solved your case yet, but we're working on it.

* Panties Girl: Mr. Kim, you're going to laugh when I tell you. It turns out I know who's been stealing my underwear; I caught them red-handed.

* Kaphwan: Tell us, don't keep us in suspense!

* Panties Girl: It was my grandfather, you know? Since his pension is a joke every time he visits me, he rummages through everything, steals some panties, and then sells them to the Yakuza. You know how the old folks in Japan are, they're all petty thieves...

The girl said with nervous giggles of embarrassment, although for our ex-cons, this revelation was the last straw.

* Choi: So, in the end, it was the grandfather? And we risked our lives for that?

* Chang: I've had enough! Going along with Kim is worse than being in some Bukelele prison or whatever that guy is called!

* Choi: Yeah, but what can we do, buddy-boy?

* Chang (raising the ball over his head and moving his hips): A sexy move!

* Kaphwan: Chang, stop doing that, it's not the time for dancing! Chang, are you listening...?

So, a few seconds later:

* Panties Girl (looking around): Oh my, what happened? Mr. Kim, where are your friends?

* Kaphwan: Golly, it seems like they've escaped! And they're ex-convicts, I have to find them before they start causing havoc!

Indeed, taking advantage of the fact that Chang's bar was already in the red, he performed his Hidden Move from 2002 and stopped time. Then he picked up Choi and dashed out:

* Panties Girl: Well, I'm going now, if that's okay with you. Goodbye and thank you very much for everything.

* Kaphwan: Where do you think you are going? You have to give mouth-to-mouth to the yakuza until the ambulance arrives, can't you see they're injured?

* Panties Girl: Are you serious?!

* Kaphwan (running away): Absolutely! Who else will do it? I have to go find my students!

So, imbued with Kim's deep sense of responsibility, the girl knelt on the ground and started performing CPR on all the thugs (whether they needed it or not), one by one. And she was still doing it 5 minutes later when a handful of American gangsters walked into the office:

* Mobster 1: What the f*ck happened here?!? Bitch, what are you doing raping the Yakuza?

* Panties Girl (terrified): I... Mr. Kim...

* Mobster 2: Hey, Kobayashi, wake up, we had a deal! Who did this to you?

* Patriarch Kobayashi: The Koreans...It was...the Koreans.

Meanwhile, at the entrance of a junkyard on the outskirts of Osaka:

* Ryo: Maybe it's because we're used to doing things differently, Kiryu, but I'm not sure about this...

* Robert: Well, coming all the way here just because you found a matchbox with the junkyard's name...

* Kiryu: And what would you guys have done, beat the crap out of the old man from the Pachinko parlor?

* Robert: No, because he didn't want to fight. But if he had wanted to, you better believe it.

* Kiryu: It wouldn't have worked; it was clear he wasn't going to say anything.

* Yuri: Okay, let's do it your way: Let's enter the junkyard, and if they try to kill us, then we must be on the right track.

* Joe: Makes sense to me... HURRICANE UPPER!

So, smashing the doors with zero respect for private property "because who knows if the owners might be terrorists" our friends enter the junkyard, a vast open space filled with more or less stacked scrap, industrial machinery, and a solitary building in the distance. That's where they were headed in the darkest part of the night and asking for an ambush, but they cover the first 600 feet without anything happening to them at all.

* Joe: Too bad, nobody's trying to take us out... What do we do, should we go back?

* Ryo (pointing): Wait, there's a guy running towards us like crazy.

Indeed, a guy dressed as a military pilot and completely hysterical approaches Kiryu's group, crying:

* Pilot (in Korean): HELP! THERE ARE MADMEN IN THERE KILLING EVERYONE!

* Yuri: What are you saying? We can't understand you!

* Kiryu: Does anyone speak Korean?

* Robert: Hold on, look at this guy's outfit! Didn't the Kiryu-mobile radio mention a while ago that a North Korean plane landed in Osaka?

* Ryo: That would be quite a coincidence, wouldn't it?

* Yuri: Stranger things have happened! [Showing a picture of Kim Jong-un on her phone] Hey, do you know the Beloved Leader?

* Pilot (in Korean): ARGHH! DON'T SHOW ME THAT, ONE CAN'T TAKE SO MANY SCARES!

* Robert: Damn, that reaction, he definitely knows him! What was the name of the plane the radio mentioned earlier, a Tardin?

* Ryo: A Harbin! That wouldn't be a nuclear bomber, would it?

* Joe: No idea! How are we supposed to know such a thing?

* Robert: How is anyone supposed to know? Ask ChatGPT!

* Kiryu: This is happening too fast for me, and with too much technology involved. Can you tell me what's going on?

* Joe (looking at the response on his phone): Holy sh*t! Well, Kiryu, don't freak out, but what the Jingweon have stolen and are planning to use in Kamurocho? It seems to be an atomic bomb.

* Kiryu: NANI?!?

Finally understanding the gravity of the situation, our friends rush towards the industrial warehouse from which the pilot emerged. Unfortunately, when they were about a hundred feet away, it exploded in a burst of flames as a trailer passed through the gates, narrowly missing them.

* Billy (driving): THE f*ck YA DOIN' 'ERE, YA f*ckIN' WANKERS?

* Yamazaki (in the passenger seat): Damn it, Billy! Learn to drive better, you let them all escape!

They say as they speed away towards the exit of the junkyard, much to the surprise of the rest of our friends, who are left in total confusion.

* Kiryu: Hey, weren't those the guys from the Pachinko place? The ones who were going to keep playing despite destroying all the machines?

* Ryo: What was that explosion? Thank goodness it wasn't the bomb, or we'd all be dead.

* Joe: That's Billy's method of leaving no evidence, setting everything on fire. And since that place was probably full of flammable waste and gasoline...

* Yuri: I can see why you're so eager for him to be your brother-in-law; Christmas dinners are going to be a blast.

* Kiryu: Enough of this nonsense, those two have taken the bomb! We need to chase that truck!

* Robert: It's a good thing we can easily catch up with them because we have a fully tuned car that hits 120 mph, and it would leave even Vin Diesel's in the dust... I mean, the Kiryu-mobile!

* Kiryu: You mean "the taxi." Because that's a taxi.

* Robert: Pffft! C'mon, don't f*ck with me!

* Pilot (in Korean): Where are you going? Don't leave me here! Where's the money and the new life that Kobayashi promised me in exchange for escaping from North Korea with the bomb?

* Yuri: We don't understand you, and besides, you won't fit in the car. Just stay here quietly and you'll be fine, okay?

* Joe (running toward the exit): Dudes, I'm a bit lost at this point. How did Billy and Yamazaki find out about the bomb, by torturing the old guy from the Pachinko parlor?

* Ryo (same): Well, I guess having no moral scruples has its advantages...

The confusion of our friends is normal during a crossover like this because, while both Ryu Ga Gotoku and KOF are very complex games fundamentally about kicking ass, the depth of the former lies in its convoluted plots, while the latter's depth lies in how to kick said ass. But in short, to sum it up: Yes, Billy and Yamazaki tortured the old guy from the Pachinko parlor; No, they didn't find out about the bomb that way because he had a heart attack from the first punch. What happened was that after that, they coincidentally found a trapdoor on the ground leading to World War II tunnels and decided to follow the part of the passageways that had electric light, eventually leading to the junkyard warehouse, and once there, after taking out almost everyone... Well, you know what? Let's do a flashback:

In the warehouse at the junkyard, 10 minutes before:

* Jingweon survivor (bleeding all over): I've already told you about the atomic bomb! P-please, don't cut me anymore!

* Yamazaki: Heh, you should've poisoned yourself with the ring like your buddies did. Too bad I nailed your hand to the wall.

* Billy (pouring gasoline everywhere): Today we hit the jackpot, you can't imagine how happy Geese-sama will be...

* Yamazaki: Thank my arms dealer's intuition for that! Hey, Billy, it's one thing to smoke while you wear that "No Smoking" jacket, but doing it while you're spilling gasoline everywhere...

* Billy (with a cigarette in his mouth, spraying the Jingweon survivor): Ain't no big deal, damn it!

* Jingweon survivor: P-please don't come any closer to me!

* Billy: Hey, where do losers like you get a nuclear bomb when you can't even handle the Tojo?

* Jingweon survivor: We took it from Patriarch Kobayashi because we have spies in his clan. We knew they planned to dismantle and take the bomb as soon as the North Korean plane landed, so we stole it before they could sell it to the Americans.

* Billy: What Americans? From which organization?

* Jingweon survivor: I don't know, all I know is they're from Second South, and their boss always wears a mask.

* Billy: Second South? You gotta be kidding me!

* Jingweon survivor: H-hey, I'm telling you everything, you won't leave me stranded here and set fire to the warehouse, right?

* Yamazaki: Of course not, I nailed ya with my favorite knife. Do you think I'll let it burn?

* Jingweon survivor: Phew, thank goodness!

* Yamazaki (smirking): Before setting the warehouse on fire, I'll let you go, and since Billy broke your legs, we'll see how fast you can crawl.

And now is when the guy starts screaming and whimpering, understandably.

* Billy: Yama, give him a couple of smacks and shut him up, can't you see I'm on the phone? [On the cellphone]: Hey, Hopper, a Second South mafia whose boss wears a mask, does that ring a bell?

* Hopper (also on the cellphone): Yeah, but we don't know much about them. Only that they're connected to a political party that's talking about seceding from the USA or some sh*t.

And just at this point, the most important philosophical dilemma in the Howard Connection Nuclear Race arises: "What's more important, us getting the atomic bomb or the crazies in the city next door not getting it?" That's what Billy was pondering when another more mundane problem cropped up:

* Yamazaki: Hey, this bomb looks heavy as f*ck, I'd say at least 10 tons. Taking it to South Town is gonna be tough.

* Billy: No problem, I'll call the supervillains.

* Yamazaki: Yaaay! The supervillains, the supervillains! The best idea you've had all day!

* Billy: Tsk, what's gotten into you now? Why are you getting so excited?

* Yamazaki: It's just that I love the supervillains 'cause they're like a nuclear bomb too and not very smart. Or well, Artie maybe is, but he has serious psychological issues.

* Billy: You're one to criticize people. [On the cellphone]: Hey, Artie, some sh*t happened, can you lads come here? I'll send you the location on WhatsApp.

* Dr. Light (also on the cellphone): Some sh*t? What kind of sh*t?

* Billy: One that can't be said over the phone.

* Dr. Light: Ah, I see, that kind of sh*t. But look, we threw a fit because they didn't want to take us on a field trip, and they've activated our collars. Do you need us with or without superpowers?

* Billy: Artie, what kind of question is that? With superpowers, without superpowers you're useless!

* Dr. Light: Just like you without your stick!

* Billy: That's why I don't let them take it away from me, damn it! Are you coming or not?

* Dr. Light: Yes, we're strictly forbidden to leave the hotel, but we'll think of something. Even if it's just to prove to you that we're not so useless.

* Billy: We need to get moving, look for us in the area I sent you, okay? On the road from here to Osaka.

So once Yamazaki has retrieved his knife and the surviving Jingweon crawls towards the exit as fast as he can, our Fatal Fury thugs get on the truck containing the bomb (note, it's not the same one as a few chapters ago because the Jingweon have moved it to another one) and start the engine:

* Yamazaki: Just throw it already and don't smoke it all the way to the filter, you rat!

* Billy (throwing the cigarette out the window): You're right, that's unhealthy.

And that's how the warehouse exploded 10 minutes ago. So back in Kiryu's taxi (which it's a taxi indeed):

* Ryo: I can't believe the amount of chaos Ralf caused just by taking us KOF guys on a field trip! What a mess!

* Kiryu (driving): Don't blame the trip; it would have gone wrong anyway. The only difference now is that the Jingweon would have the bomb instead of those two chinpira.

* Robert: Well, I don't know about you, but it's worse for us. Because they're from the South Town mafia, the city where my girl... I mean, Yuri, and my best friend live.

* Yuri: Oh my God, Geese with nuclear weapons, can you imagine?

* Joe (on the cellphone): Hey, bro-in-law, one thing...

* Billy (also on the cellphone): How the f*ck did you get my number?!?

* Joe: Lilly gave it to me... Listen, either you stop the truck and surrender to the authorities right now, or I'll call her and tell her you stole an atomic bomb!

* Billy: Heh, like she's gonna believe that! My sister thinks I'm practically a saint!

With that, he hung up quickly, leaving Joe and the others deep in thought:

* Joe: sh*t, he's right! If I tell her I'm the one who'll look bad.

* Yuri: Instead of calling Billy's sister, wouldn't it be better to call the cops? Even if Japanese cops are useless?

* Ryo: Or, what do I know, NATO?

* Joe: Does anyone know NATO's phone number?

* Ryo: Ask ChatGPT.

* Kiryu: So no one needs to think or know anything anymore? I wonder what's more dangerous, the bomb or that thing you guys have on your phones.

Too bad ChatGPT couldn't or wouldn't give them NATO's phone number, so they had to try to stop the truck on their own. Well, we'll see how that goes in the next episode.

Chapter 15: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part VII)

Chapter Text

Still in the Ryo Ga Gotoku 5 taxi, at 3 AM, on a deserted road on the outskirts of Osaka, and continuing from the previous episode, Kiryu's group has just spotted in the distance the trailer carrying the nuclear bomb:

* Robert (in the passenger seat): There's the truck, we've got them!

* Kiryu (driving): Higashi, since you seem to know them better, what are those guys like?

* Joe: Billy is like a pitbull, neither good nor bad. Yamazaki, on the other hand, is quite a bastard.

* Kiryu: Do you think their objective is to detonate the bomb in Japan?

* Joe: In Japan? No, why would they?

* Ryo: If they're following Geese's orders, Japan is the very country where they're sure not to use it.

* Robert: Hey, why are you letting off the accelerator?

Half a second to process that the world is not just Japan, and Kiryu returns to his usual heroic personality:

* Kiryu (accelerating): Anyway, we can't let them take it. Although I don't know how we're going to stop that truck, do you have firearms?

* Yuri: Superpowers, but with all five of us cramped in the car it's going to be a bit difficult to use them.

* Robert: There's no other choice but to climb onto the roof of the taxi, jump onto the truck, climb up the trailer, get close to the cabin, knock Billy and Yamazaki out and regain control of the truck before it crashes.

* Yuri: But, Robert-chan, won't that be a little dangerous?

* Robert: Nah, what do you mean "dangerous"? Relax.

Our friend said, sticking half his body out of the window to climb onto the roof of the taxi. Meanwhile, in the truck cabin, no such deep reflections are aking place:

* Yamazaki (looking in the rearview mirror): Hey, they're following us, I'm going to the back to throw things at them.

* Billy (driving): Go ahead.

Fortunately for them, our Fatal Fury villains are in a trailer model where you can pass from the cabin to the trailer, a trailer that is also filled with scrap that the Jingweon have placed there to camouflage the bomb. So, a moment later, the rear door of the truck opens, and a very happy and smiling Yamazaki shows up:

* Yamazaki: Mess with us again, will ya? I'm gonna give you guys something to learn not to meddle in what's none of your business!

What he does next is kick a compacted scrap block and throw it in the direction of the taxi. Fortunately, Kiryu is a pretty skillful driver and managed to dodge it without any problems. The sudden swerve made Robert have to hold onto the roof tightly, though, but at least they didn't lose much speed, and they can continue chasing the truck:

* Yamazaki: GYAHAHAHAH! Chases are so much fun, I'm gonna keep throwing things since it seems you like it!

The next thing he threw at them were a few empty beer barrels, but he's not throwing them at the car anymore, instead, he's tossing them onto the road. One of them bounced and shattered Kiryu's taxi windshield on the passenger side, to which Kiryu couldn't help but mutter:

* Kiryu: Tsk, kuso.

* Joe: How much crap do they have in that truck? If Yamazaki keeps throwing barrels like he's Donkey Kong, we're gonna die!

* Billy (shouting from the cab): Hey bonkers, don't get too excited, you might accidentally throw the bomb at them!

* Yamazaki (also shouting): Don't worry, it's secure!

* Billy: When is it gonna be your turn to drive, and mine to throw stuff at them?

* Yamazaki (pushing a garbage container): Never!

The container has wheels and is moving erratically on the asphalt, so Kiryu had to make a sharp turn at 95 mph in order to to avoid it, almost veering off the road. At this point, our friends are starting to think that the ammunition they have in the trailer is almost endless, so Robert (still clinging to the roof and trying not to fall off) gets ready to take action:

* Robert: Kiryu! Keep the car straight for a few seconds, I'm gonna jump!

* Kiryu: Alright, I'll try.

The Dragon of Dojima keeps his word and manages to keep the vehicle on a more or less stable path, so Robert uses the Hien Senpuu Kyaku, a flying kick with a dash that can be (depending on the game) initiated while crouching. Which, in principle, hasn't gone too bad because he has managed to close the distance between him and the trailer, too bad he hit Yamazaki right in the face just as he was sticking his tongue out:

* Yamazaki: Ouch, that hurts, damn it!

That being said, he takes his left hand out of his pocket and delivers such a punch of energy to Robert that sends him spinning through the air to crash onto the asphalt:

* Kiryu: Damn, your friend just got himself killed!

* Yuri: Oh my God, Robert!

* Ryo: No, I don't think he's dead, let's not exaggerate... Stop the car!

Something they can afford without problems, since Kiryu's taxi is much faster than the trailer. The last thing they see before stopping the vehicle and getting out is Yamazaki in the back of the truck laughing his ass off to the point of having to hold his stomach, clearly he's the one enjoying this field trip the most.

* Yuri: Robert, say something! Are you okay?

* Robert (bleeding on the ground): Not great.

* Joe: Do you think you can continue the chase or is it time to call 112?

* Robert: N-nah, I've probably broken several bones and have internal injuries, but it's not that serious. Tsk, stupid Yamazaki...

* Ryo (helping Robert get into the taxi): We need to use a different strategy, this won't get us anywhere! Kiryu, do you think you can dodge the junk they're throwing at us and pass the truck?

* Kiryu: Yes, but what's the plan?

* Ryo: I'll explain it to you later, okay? Come on, everyone get into the car!

And with that, they set off again, and a taxi Heat Action boost later, they were once again hot on the heels of the trailer. It goes without saying that Yamazaki had resumed throwing all sorts of things at them, and it's a miracle they didn't get killed, especially at such high speeds. But by this point, it should be clear that Kiryu is like a Renaissance Man (who can either take out 100 thugs at once or win illegal street races against pros) and a jack of all trades.

So, 3 miles further down the road, and in the middle of the highway:

* Ryo: Okay, everyone ready? As soon as the truck passes by here, we'll stop it with a barrage of Haoh Shokokens and Screw Uppers.

* Yuri: And what if it's not them who pass by? Because in the darkness we won't be able to be sure.

* Joe: Nah, on this abandoned road at this hour, not a soul will pass... What a great idea you had, Ryo, you're a genius!

Naturally, Kiryu and Robert stayed on the shoulder, waiting in the car with the lights off. And a few minutes later, the sound of a truck's engine could be heard:

* Ryo: Ready? Here they are!

* Yuri: But how far, onii-chan? We can't see them at all.

* Joe: Damn, those bastards have turned off the lights too! Quick, let's get off the road!

Oh, they came so close to getting run over! Meanwhile, in the trailer's cabin:

* Billy: Hahaha, I'm having a blast playing Coyote and Road Runner with those dumb f*cks!

* Yamazaki: I'm about to get sick from laughing so much!

So, after a near-death experience and back in the taxi:

* Kiryu: Well, now we're going to do it my way. Because they're making fun of us, and frankly, I don't think those chinpira are that smart.

* Joe: They're smarter than they look... Okay, what's your plan?

* Kiryu: Since they've turned the headlights back on, and we can see them now, we're going to overtake them, just like before. But this time, we'll place the car in the middle of the road with the lights off.

* Yuri: But then your taxi...

* Kiryu: It doesn't matter, I'll buy another one with the money I get from fighting people on the street.

* Robert: But that trailer looks very powerful, do you think that will be enough?

* Kiryu: I think it'll be enough to damage their engine.

So the chase resumes, only this time Kiryu is driving so fast and recklessly that Yamazaki hasn't had time to go to the back of the truck before the taxi invades the opposite lane and the passing attempt begins. Billy, in turn, has also hit the accelerator, and for a moment, both vehicles are side by side until the trailer gets so close to the taxi that the bodies of both vehicles start to emit sparks:

* Yuri: Kiryu-san, this is very dangerous! They're trying to force us off the road!

* Kiryu: But they won't succeed because... Wait, what's that up ahead?

And now the unimaginable happens, a grotesque creature, as if it came from the depths of Hell and of great size (bigger than Chang, smaller than Earthquake), with an extremely white face and blood-red lips, crosses Kiryu's path without giving him time to brake and collides with the taxi with such force that it sends it flying through the air almost a mile away. It still has time to to try to grab the front of the truck with one of its enormous hands and look Billy and Yamazaki in the eyes with a demented look that seems to say "I've been looking for you" before the aforementioned ones accelerate to escape from there as if the Devil were chasing them.

* Billy: Holy sh*t, Yamazaki, what was that?!? A Japanese ghost?

* Yamazaki: I don't know, but step on the gas 'cause it's coming for us!

* Grotesque Creature (yelling from a distance): HEY, IT'S ME, THE RHINO! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE, YOU BASTARDS, THIS PLACE IS TOO SCARY!

In the end, a couple of minutes later, they have him settled in the trailer and get back on the road:

* Yamazaki: Aww, now we're left with no one to play with... But I'm glad you're here, if they couldn't stop us before, imagine now that we have a tank!

* Rhino (sticking his head through the opening to the cabin): I didn't scare you guys, did I?

* Billy: Nah, man, what would we be scared of? And by the way, what are you dressed as, Art the Clown's cousin?

* Yamazaki: Nah, now that I look closely, it's Kuidaore Taro, the mascot of Osaka.

* Billy: Don't tell me that creepy thing is a mascot?

* Rhino: I dunno what it is, but the little hat conceals the horn, which is what matters. 'Cause everyone is looking for us, right?

* Yamazaki: And what about the other supervillains? Ain't they coming to our party?

* Rhino: Nah, impossible. They have their collars activated, but for those of us with super strength, the collars work differently.

Indeed, to prevent someone like Rhino from using his powers, they would have to put him to sleep or leave him in a coma, and the Ikari Warriors thought that was going too far.

* Billy: Well, a teleporter like Artie would have been useful, but no worries, we have a Plan B.

* Yamazaki: Billy here didn't even think any of you guys would come...

* Rhino: But what's the Plan B for? What's going on?

* Billy: Oh, nothing much. We just went to play the slot machines and by chance, we found an atomic bomb.

* Rhino: Wow, really? That's something, huh?

* Yamazaki: Hey, what kind of reaction is that? I thought you'd freak out!

* Billy: You don't know the Rhino. Oh, by the way, be careful with her, she's back there with you.

* Rhino: Okey-dokey, thanks for letting me know. Hey, so what are you going to do now?

To which our thugs from Fatal Fury reply very happily, unable to contain their joy any longer:

* Yamazaki: We're gonna sell it to Geese, he's gonna pay us millions! Well, not Billy 'cause he practically works for free, but me.

* Billy: You can't imagine how happy the boss will be when the Howard Connection becomes a nuclear power!

* Rhino: What, the South Town mafia? But why do you guys want an atomic bomb?

* Billy: For the same reason everyone wants one, Rhino, to scare the sh*t outta our enemies. We're not gonna use it, or at least I hope not...

* Rhino: But don't they call your boss the Emperor of Evil?

* Billy: Yeah, affectionately. C'mon, think about it, what's better? Mr. Geese having the bomb or those nutjobs from Best Korea getting hold of it?

* Rhino: Definitely Mr. Geese!

* Yamazaki: Tsk, are you guys a cult or something?

No, what's happening is that by this point, the supervillains have heard so many news on TV about how evil Kim Jong-un is and so many of Billy's theories about how kind Geese is that this reaction is more or less normal, I would probably react the same way. But let's get back to Kiryu's group, who have just crawled out of the freshly crashed taxi:

* Ryo: How are you feeling, Robert? Are you okay?

* Robert: Y-yes... it's not th-that b-bad *Cough* *Cough*

Our friend doesn't want to worry anyone, but the truth is that he said that last part while coughing up blood, and then he fell into a semi-unconscious state. It doesn't look good because they've also crashed in the middle of nowhere, far from the road (which nobody was using anyway), the taxi is a total wreck, and there's hardly any cellphone signal:

* Yuri (shaking him): Robert, don't fall asleep, do you hear me? If you fall asleep, you'll die!

* Joe: Uh, guys, shouldn't we hide? Before the monster comes after us?

* Ryo: We can't move Robert, he's in really bad shape. If the monster shows up, we'll have to defend ourselves as best we can.

It should be noted here that if Rhino knew that in the car he had just sent flying through the air, there was a friend of Terry's, and Takuma's children and pupil, he would have felt very guilty. But the visibility was poor, he barely knows them, he wouldn't have had time to stop anyway, and "they were probably just random people, so no f*cks were given":

* Joe (looking at his cellphone): And on top of that, there's no signal! We should have called 112 while we had the chance! I don't know what the hell we're going to do now!

* Kiryu: At this point, there's only one thing to do: Fight among the four of us until the true mastermind behind all of this shows up.

Naturally, Kiryu is speaking from experience, as the plot of one of the Ryu Ga Gotoku games (I won't say which one) is resolved more or less like this, which makes you think, "Seriously, over 60 hours of gameplay for this?" But for some incomprehensible reason, this approach seems to have infuriated Yuri:

* Yuri: Yeah, right, like we're going to do that! It's the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my life!

* Kiryu: Anyone has a better idea?

After posing this question, 5 seconds pass during which only the chirping of crickets can be heard.

* Joe: Well, if we start fighting, at least Robert will be entertained watching us and won't fall asleep...

* Ryo: Dad always says that the Devil knows more because he's old than because he's the Devil...

* Yuri: Dad says a lot of nonsense, and you know it! We're in the middle of nowhere, there's a monster lurking around here, Robert is dying... and we're going to start fighting among ourselves?!

But today's chapter is a crossover between 2 Japanese games, and Yuri is a woman, so her opinion doesn't count for anything (if it were just KOF, it would). So, a Kiryu vs. Ryo vs. Joe vs. Yuri shodown is on the horizon, under the moonlight and in the purest Royal Rumble style:

* Robert (leaning against a tree): Go ahead, I'll... *Cough* *Cough*... shine the light on you with my phone.

* Yuri: Good Lord, this is just fighting for the sake of fighting...

* Kiryu: No, there has to be an emotional background, otherwise, it's meaningless. Fighting is the best mean of communication between human beings and the most powerful way to express feelings, as professional fighters, you should know that.

Of course they know it, in fact, Terry clearly says it in "Memories of Stray Wolves," so I assume the rest of SNK also knows and/or shares that philosophy:

* Joe: You're right, beating the crap out of each other is the best therapy... Here, take this for ruining our Karaoke night!

Joe said, punching Kiryu in the face, while Yuri grabbed her brother by the collar and gave him a series of slaps:

* Yuri: And you take this for letting Joe come with us and not imagining he would get drunk, pick a fight with some yakuza, and get us into this mess!

* Ryo: But how could I have imagined all that? Who am I, Geese?

* Yuri: When my friend Mai doesn't want to go anywhere near him, there must be a reason, don't you think?

The Invincible Dragon tries to get up from the ground where he was thrown by Yuri's last slap, only to be greeted by a Koohken. Meanwhile, Joe couldn't contain himself and delivered a Slash Kick to the aforementioned Yuri:

* Joe: Hey, why does everyone treat me like a screw-up? I'm sorry, but enough is enough, Yuri!

* Ryo (charging up): Joe, leave my sister alone! Sister, you've gone too far with me! HAOH SHOKOKEN!!

The attack hits the other 3 directly, but it doesn't matter because by this point they've all reached the Nirvana of good vibes:

* Joe (on the ground): This works, I can feel the communication flowing! That's why Billy and Yamazaki were so coordinated before, because they beat each other up every day.

* Kiryu (same): And not only that... Look!

They hadn't noticed before because they were busy with the fight, but a couple of combat helicopters have appeared and are hovering over the area. And once they land:

* Yuri: Incredible, we've been so lucky! Now all our problems are really over!

* Kiryu: Are you sure we can trust them?

* Joe: Yeah, didn't you see that they're wearing the Ikari Warrior emblem? They're the good guys, Kiryu.

In the end, a group of soldiers get off the helicopters and approach our friends:

* Sergeant: Good evening, I'm Sergeant O'Malley from the Ikari Warriors. We know there has been a big explosion in the area, do you have any information about it?

* Ryo: Yes, that was the Jingweon scrapyard when Billy and Yamazaki set it on fire... Hey, we have a wounded person, could you please take him to a hospital?

* Sergeant: Answers first, medical assistance later! For now, start telling us what you know about the Jingweon.

* Yuri: The Jingweon don't matter right now; what's important is that those two have stolen an atomic bomb and are taking it in a trailer on the road to Osaka! I know it's hard to believe, but...

* Soldier 1 (very surprised): You know about the bomb?

* Joe: Of course we know. We were trying to stop them when we had an accident. That's why we ended up like this.

* Soldier 2: Yeah, but what I don't understand is why you were fighting among yourselves.

* Ryo: Well, we got a little nervous, and...

* Sergeant: It doesn't matter, we were able to spot you from the sky because of the ki flashes. Otherwise, we would have just passed by.

Thank you, superpowers. Thank you, Kiryu's aura. Thank you, Extra Mode. You're better than any flare or reflective vest.

* Sergeant: You must tell us everything you know, we can't waste a single second! What color is the trailer carrying the bomb? What license plate does it have? Are you sure the occupants are Ryuji Yamazaki and William Kane? Where are they heading? What do they plan to do with the artifact? How did you find out about all this? What...?

* Robert: *Cough* *Cough*

* Yuri: No, it's over, medical assistance first, and we'll answer the rest of the questions later! Either you put Robert in a helicopter and take him to the hospital as soon as possible, or we won't say another word!

And with Robert being carried on a stretcher into one of the helicopters we end today's episode. There's still a lot of convoluted and far-fetched plot to come, but that will be seen later on.

Chapter 16: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part VIII)

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode a little later, with Terry and the others wandering the streets of Namba. Needless to say, by this point, Majima has taken complete control of the situation and is clearly the one calling the shots:

* Majima: I can't believe what's happening to us! I don't know how many people we've already beaten up, and we still don't have a single lead!

* Saejima: There are good days and bad days, kyodai, you know...

* Chris (in a low voice): Mr. Bogard, it seems to me that these people don't know what they're doing.

* Terry: Why do you say that?

* Chris: Because they keep dragging us into fights with thugs, and that's not the way to find a super-secret terrorist cell or anything.

* Majima: Were you saying something, Chris-chan?

* Chris: Please, don't call me "Chris-chan." I don't know why, but it makes me sick.

* Majima: Do you prefer "Damien-chan"?

* Chris: Much better, thank you. And what I'm saying is that we're approaching this the wrong way. If we don't even know where to start looking, it's going to be impossible for us to find the Jingweon.

* Majima: So don't just stand there like a slack-jawed idiot and help us with your demonic superpowers!

* Chris: You really don't want me to do that, think before you speak! Because at the very least, I'll set Sotenbori on fire, and at worst...

* Terry: Take it easy, Chris. Don't you get upset.

* Chris: How can I not be upset when we've been goofing around for hours and hours? Mr. Majima, Mr. Saejima, no offense, but are you really legendary yakuza who have even led your own clans and all? Because, unless it was through violence, I wonder how you two could solve even the simplest problem.

And almost as if in response to that question, a lecherous voice was heard behind them:

"HELLO, HANDSOME, LONG TIME NO SEE!"

Our friends turned around to see the Obatarian, an elderly lady with purple-colored hair and dressed in leopard-print clothes who has long lost all sense of social norms. She used to work as a kyabakura in the cabaret club that Majima managed in Osaka 35 years ago, but she's still alive and kicking in Ryu Ga Gotoku 7 (which takes place in 2019) and doesn't seem to have aged a bit:

* Obatarian: And who are these hunks, the big guy in military clothing and the blue-eyed gaijin? The only one who doesn't turn me on is the boy; he has the look of a perverted shota.

* Chris (astonished): Excuse me, what did you say?!?

* Majima: Hi, Etsuko, I'm glad to see you too. Sorry we can't stay for a sexual harassment session, but we have a very important mission on our hands.

Majima said, trying to politely end the conversation as quickly as possible, although it's clear that this doesn't work with older ladies in Kansai, Andalusia (where I'm from), or anywhere else for that matter:

* Obatarian (ignoring him): You won't believe who I saw in the neighborhood earlier, your friend from Tokyo! Yes, that handsome guy who always wears a light gray suit and looks very serious, I think his name was Kiryu... I tried to greet him, but I couldn't because he was blindfolded, and some soldiers were taking him [pointing]: To that building.

That before was not a Deus ex Machina, it's just that the world is a really small place and the old ladies who tried to rape you in the '80s can still help you today because apparently, people never die in Osaka. Meanwhile, in what looks like an Ikari Warriors detention center:

* Sergeant: We want information, information, information! How did you find out that the North Korean plane was carrying a nuclear bomb? Why didn't you inform the authorities? What did the monster that supposedly attacked you look like? Where...?

* Ryo (on the cellphone): Oh, they just operated on Robert and moved him to a regular room? That's great, Yuri, when he wakes up pass on a "get well soon" from us.

* Sergeant: Excuse me, would you mind hanging up and paying attention? *Sigh* I don't understand why they haven't taken your phones away.

* Joe: 'cause we're not under arrest, are we? As far as I know, we've voluntarily agreed to cooperate.

* Ryo: And we've already given you the license plate and a description of the truck. What more do they want?

* Sergeant: Yes, our other helicopter has already located it, but we still don't have enough information! What can you tell us about the assault on the Kobayashi Clan's offices? What's your connection to the Pachinko parlor that burned to the ground? Where were you when the Hanshin Highway massacre occurred?

* Ryo: Guys, I don't like where this interrogation is heading...

* Joe: Looks like we're gonna take the fall for Billy, Yamazaki, the Jingweon, and the rest of the bad guys in the Multiverse...

* Kiryu: All of this is my fault. I should have never involved civilians in the affairs of the Tojo Clan.

* Joe: Hey, but your friend D...

* Ryo: Don't mention names, don't we have enough problems already?

* Joe: Okay, okay! I meant to say that your friend who assigned you the mission said that an entire district was in danger... What did you want us to do, just sit idly by?

* Ryo: And back then we thought only hundreds of people could die, imagine it now.

* Kiryu: I know your intentions are good and you're doing the right thing, but what happens when you do the right thing? You end up in jail.

If Kiryu was younger (back when he was even more stubborn), he would hardly have accepted the help of our SNK friends, even though he knows they are powerful fighters. But he did, and now he feels responsible for getting them into this mess, so he can't do anything but violently get up from his seat and slam Sergeant O'Malley against the wall, adding another mark to his long history of trying to fix a bad decision with another:

* Joe: Hey, what are you doing? Don't mess with the Ikari Warriors!

* Kiryu: You two need to get out of here right now. If someone has to go to jail, it's better if it's just me, as I'm already used to it.

The Dragon of Dojima said in a display of self-sacrifice and unilaterally deciding the fate of others because, after all, what's the worst that could happen to them by becoming fugitives, having to live with bears like Saejima, or in the sewers like Akiyama? Although it seems it won't be that simple because a bullet from Sergeant O'Malley's gun just grazzed him:

* Sergeant (on the ground): Alright, enough nonsense! Now you're going to tell us everything you know, under torture, and we'll get this over with!

So the other two soldiers present there charge at our friends, only to be immediately knocked down by a Karate strike to the neck and a knee to the nose. The sergeant gets up to shoot Kiryu point-blank, but he quickly foils the attempt by kicking a chair into the air, catching it as it falls, and smashing it over the sergeant's head:

* Ryo: There's no turning back now, we have to escape from this military base no matter what!

However, when they open the doors of the interrogation room and step outside the first thought that comes to their minds is, "What military base?" because it appears they are in the midst of an office full of American gangsters. Of course, since they were brought to this building blindfolded after getting off the helicopter, and the room they just left had no windows, it's normal for them to be taken by surprise:

* Ryo: But... where the hell are we?! I'm already lost!

* Kiryu: In the Ikari Warriors' headquarters, right?

* Mobster 1: Hey, you two! Where do you think you're going?

* Mobster 2: O'Malley says they're in cahoots with the guys who stole our bomb, don't let 'em leave here alive!

* Joe: Nope, these guys are definitely not the Ikari Warriors... Well then, let's keep dishing out beatings!

What's worse, being the bad guy in a beat'em up or in a Bud Spencer movie (whom, by the way, has his own beat'em up)? No idea, but now it's time for the mobsters to take a good beating, so if someone doesn't get a Muay Thai kick in the ribs, they might get an elbow to the face, or have a solid wooden table smashed over them, or experience a Zanretsuken, or a Tiger Drop... All of this culminating with a Screw Upper DM from Joe to clear the office of those who were still standing, and once they reach the exit and get to the building's landing:

* Joe (looking at a sign): Geez, we're on the 20th floor! We'll have to fight our way down to the ground floor!

* Kiryu: Come on, we've only got 19 floors left now.

* Ryo: No, we're not doing something that crazy! As far as I remember, when they brought us here, we didn't have to climb any stairs, so let's take the elevator down!

* Kiryu (calling the elevator with little conviction): Damn, it's not working. It must be broken.

* Ryo: You're enjoying this, aren't you?!?

No, it's just that Kiryu is used to these situations and takes them in stride. And that's not the worst part, turns out in this building, you have to traverse each floor from end to end just to reach the stairs and access the next one (I wonder who rented it to the American mobsters, probably the bad guys from Kung Fu Master). So, our friends start descending the first flight of stairs, and when they were halfway down, Sergeant O'Malley reappeared in the landing wielding a combat knife:

* Sergeant (enraged and jumping towards them): Hey, you bastards! Do you really think you can get rid of me that easily?!

Fortunately, Ryo reacted in time with a Kohou, hitting him in the jaw while he was still in the air and throwing him down the stairwell. By the time they finish descending, they find him unconscious on the floor, so they ignore him and start distributing another round of beatings to the thugs who were waiting for them. Well, I'm not going to narrate what happens on the following floors because it would be a bit repetitive, let's just say that when they reach the tenth:

* Joe (shaking his hands): Phew, my arms are getting sore from beating people up! This is easier than KOF but much more tiring!

* Ryo: Wait, we've been here for half a minute and no one's attacking us?

But at that moment, a mobster bursts through the glass door with a bang, and we immediately witness a nice reunion because Terry's group has also been roaming the building for a while, just from below and in the opposite direction. The most beautiful reunion of all is the one between Kiryu and Majima, as we could have already imagined:

* Kiryu: Oi, Majima.

* Majima (grinning from ear to ear): KIRYU-CHAN!

Having said that, he jumps at his lifelong rival with a knife in hand, with the healthy intention of slashing him open. But Kiryu interrupts his attack with an uppercut that lifts him about half a meter off the ground and manages to deliver a series of punches while he's still in the air, ending by throwing him against the wall with a final blow. And no, it's not that he learned the Essence of the Anti-Air and Juggling from watching the guys from SNK (although it could have happened), he already knew how to do this before.

* Kiryu: Majima-san, there's no time for this! We have to...

To which the aforementioned responds with a mad laugh, and in the blink of an eye, he's back on his feet, moving with super-speed impulses and skillfully dodging Kiryu's punches. Before Kiryu realizes it, Majima is already behind him and once he grabs Kiryu from behind, he throws him to the ground and stabs him spectacularly in the chest (mind you, he could have broken Kiryu's neck with a different Heat Action, but the fact that he can actually get back up after that seems excessive to me):

* Joe: Who's the one-eyed guy, and why is he trying to kill Kiryu? Terry, man, my head is spinning so much I don't even know where I live or what my name is!

* Terry: I don't think it's that, it seems like they're... greeting each other?

So for a minute or more, Kiryu and Majima exchange punches, kicks, and stabs to build up the heat for the next Heat Actions. But then Sergeant O'Malley reappeared and threw a grenade at them, shouting:

* Sergeant: DIE ALREADY, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!

The good thing is that Majima saw it coming, kicked the grenade, and sent it back. The sergeant was lucky that only the shockwave reached him when it exploded, although at least the explosion was big enough to definitively stop the fight between the Mad Dog of Shimano and the Dragon of Dojima:

* Joe (grabbing him by the collar): What's wrong with you? How many times are we gonna have to beat you up? Come on, now you're gonna tell us what all this is about, you pest!

* Sergeant: Heh, it's useless. Your partners have already been located, and we'll soon recover the bomb.

* Saejima: What bomb? What is this guy talking about?

* Joe: Oh, as if we're gonna explain it to you being one of the bad guys. It took us a while to figure it out!

* Kiryu: No, Higashi, these two are from my clan. They're on our side.

* Majima: You gotta be kidding me! Daigo sent you to neutralize the Jingweon too?

* Kiryu: That's right, and we found out they were planning to detonate a nuclear bomb in Kamurocho.

* Majima: Holy sh*t!

* Kiryu: But then, 2 chinpira from something called "KOF" showed up and stole the bomb. We ended up here chasing them.

* Sergeant: Who are these Jingweon? I don't understand anything!

* Ryo: Shut up, now it's our turn to ask! Who are you guys, and why were you posing as the Ikari Warriors?

* Sergeant: Well, people trust the Ikari Warriors more than the American army...

* Kiryu: You're from the American army?

* Sergeant: No, we're patriots from Second South who want to break away from the USA! And the boss said that if we had an atomic bomb, they would take us seriously.

* Terry: Second South? What madness is this? And why do you wanna break away from the USA?

* Sergeant: To become a city-state where the weak are exterminated and only the strong survive!

* Joe: Yeah? That's the last thing you should want after we've kicked your ass so many times!

* Terry: I don't get it, so what's the idea? Taking the bomb to the United States?

* Ryo: Ummm... Bad news, Terry: Billy and Yamazaki have the bomb now, and they're probably trying to do just that.

* Terry: Sweet Mother of God, Geese with an atomic bomb?!? [To the sergeant]: Well, didn't you say you had them located? Where are they now?

* Sergeant: HAW HAW, you'd like to know, wouldn't you?

* Majima (putting a knife to his throat): This is important, and if you don't tell us anything could happen!

* Sergeant: O-Okay, okay! According to the latest report we received, the truck carrying the bomb is heading to...

*BLAM!*

But O'Malley could never finish that sentence because, to the dismay of our friends, a bullet from who knows where blew his head off:

* Saejima: Watch out! Snipers firing from the building across the street, get away from the windows!

* Joe (lying on the ground): And just when they were about to give us vital information, what the f*ck is wrong with this city?!

* Terry (same): Say what? Weren't you from Osaka even though you live in Thailand most of the time?

* Joe: That's true, and I don't remember so many clichés happening in my childhood, so those yakuza guys must be to blame!

* Majima: We have to get out of the building before they come for us! And you, Damien-chan, now that you know that millions of lives are at stake, you won't be so devilish as to refuse to help us, will ya?

* Chris: No way, if it were just for that, I'd calmly go back to the hotel! But nuclear weapons are bad for the environment, out of all the ways humans have to kill each other they had to choose precisely that one!

In the meantime, aboard the trailer carrying the bomb and driving through Osaka on a solitary road:

* Yamazaki: Damn, I can't believe how well everything is going for us! Not a problem since the Rhino sent that car to hell.

* Rhino: By the way, who was in the car I sent to hell?

* Billy (driving): Just an old yakuza, an idiot who wanna get with my sister and some blokes I plan to kick outta South Town someday, don't worry about it.

* Rhino: Ah, I see, they were some rough characters... Hey, Billy, where are we going?

* Billy: To a clan's warehouse known to Mr. Geese, to hide the bomb until things cool down and we can take it to America.

* Rhino: WOW, and here I was thinking you were gonna hijack a plane or something... You guys really know how to do things smart!

* Yamazaki: Of course, you think we're chinpira? I have my own gang in Hong Kong and this guy is the wakagashira of the Howard Connection.

* Rhino: "Wakagashira"?

* Billy: Sub-boss. 'sides, what plane are you talking about? The Japs must have closed their airspace by now.

Mind you, supervillains and people belonging to organized crime (even if they have superpowers) are very different subcultures, and just by occasionally using their heads and not relying 100% on brute force, the Rhino already thinks these two are rocket scientists. Although the plan wasn't bad on paper, it's a shame that they spotted something several miles away that took them by surprise:

* Billy: f*ck, 2 trailers crossing the road! How did they know we were coming?

* Yamazaki: Rhino, get off the truck and wreck everything... Enjoy yourself!

* Billy: But through the door, okay? Not by making a hole.

* Rhino: Okey-dokey, I finally feel useful!

So, very happily and contentedly, our friend jumps out of the back door, running parallel to the truck for a few seconds before overtaking it and stopping in front of the first trailer to begin lifting it over his head. It was just when they saw that that the gangsters who were hiding there to ambush them got quite scared:

* Mobster 3: What the f*ck...? Osaka mascot lifting a truck by itself?!?

* Mobster 4 (firing an M16): Don't just stand there like a moron, shoot him!

It should be remembered here that Rhino is still disguised as Kuidaore Taro, which makes him even scarier. So, ignoring the gangsters shooting and the bullets (which bounce off anyway), he proceeds to throw the first trailer quite a distance, unfazed by the explosion it causes when it crashes to the ground. Although he did notice something else while casually looking at the sky:

* Rhino: Look at that motherf*cker, he was probably following us! [Shouting]: Hey guys, there's an army helicopter up there, what should we do?

* Yamazaki (shouting from the truck): Throw the other trailer at it!

* Rhino: Heh, the Japanese Joker has some good ideas! It's too far away, but it's worth a try.

The problem is that no matter how good the Rhino's aim was, he would have to be Bullseye to hit the helicopter from such a distance. He only managed to kill the pilot from a heart attack as he saw the trailer flying through the air, but by the time the truck crashed to the ground, causing another explosion, the co-pilot had taken control. Meanwhile, back on the ground:

* Mobster 5 (on the cellphone): Mr. Grant, a monster has appeared and threw the 2 trailers we had blocking the road far away! And to make matters worse, he almost destroyed the helicopter and the bullets don't do anything to him. What do we do? Should we shoot the truck?

* Grant (also on the cellphone): No, you idiot, if you disable the truck we won't have anything to transport the bomb. You have to withdraw.

* Mobster 5: Uh, how does that fit with our ideology that only the strong survive?

By this point, our Fatal Fury thugs have already disembarked from the truck, and between them and the Rhino they've taken out all the gangsters who hadn't run away in fear. That's why Billy is going to answer the question above, as he has just approached from behind and taken the phone from Mobster 5:

* Billy: It fits perfectly, can't you see it? The difference is that when Mr. Geese says so it sounds cool, but when you blokes say it it's fascism.

* Mobster 5: Huh? But why is that...?

In any case, a shattered skull like a smashed watermelon later the conversation continues:

* Billy (on the cellphone): Hey, your men are the first Westerners we've come across tonight... You are those nutjobs from Second South, right?

* Grant (also on the cellphone): And you're Geese Howard's right-hand man. That voice and accent are unmistakable.

* Billy: Do we know each other? I don't know who you are, but if you don't wanna lose more people, you'd better not cross our path again.

* Grant: Forget it, Kane. You have something that belongs to us. Return it, and maybe we'll let you live.

* Billy (hanging up): Like hell we will!

* Rhino: Wow, Billy, you were talking to the bad guy? That sounded pretty heroic.

* Billy: Of course, 'cause we're the morally superior mob.

* Rhino: Really? It seemed to me that you guys and these guys are pretty much the same.

* Billy: Nah, impossible. We're the biggest heroin distributors in the entire United States, but my boss neither sells it nor lets it be sold in South Town. See, he's such a nice guy.

* Yamazaki (laughing): But the rest of the USA is crawling with junkies thanks to him!

* Billy: Oh, who the f*ck cares? C'mon, get back on the truck and stop fooling around!

Note that here we're following KOF's continuity and not Fatal Fury's, but the fact that MOTW hasn't happened doesn't mean that characters like Grant and Kain don't exist. Let's see what they come up with in the next episode to fight someone as OP as the Rhino without resorting to... I don't know, a crossover with King of the Monsters?

Chapter 17: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part IX)

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode at 4 AM at the passenger terminal of Kansai International Airport, where an rather ugly man who fancies himself a dandy is loudly arguing with the lady at the counter while gesticulating wildly with his hands. It's Hyena from the Maximum Impact series, and he seems to be experiencing a somewhat stressful situation:

* Hyena: Hey, miss, my flight is in 5 minutes! What do you mean all the flights have been canceled?

* Receptionist: I'm sorry, I've already told you that Japan has closed its airspace. It's probably because of the North Korean plane, you know?

* Hyena: Oh really? But look, I need to get out of here ASAP. Can't you change my ticket for one for the Shinkansen or something?

* Receptionist: Sir, please stop saying nonsense and leave the line. There are more people waiting.

* Hyena (hysterical): What does it matter? Nobody's going anywhere here, anyway! sh*t, my phone is ringing again, I'll have to answer!

Grant's name has clearly appeared on the smartphone screen, so our sycophantic friend steps aside from the line to answer the call:

* Hyena (on the phone): Mr. Grant, what a joy! I hope those little problems you mentioned earlier have been resolved by now...

* Grant (also on the phone): No, nothing has been resolved, you idiot! I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but I'm convinced it's your fault!

* Hyena: Mine??

* Grant: This operation has been a disaster from the get-go! Either you've double-crossed us, or you're the most useless middleman I've ever seen in my life!

* Hyena: But... but all I did was put you in contact with Mr. Kobayashi! How is it my fault that a terrorist group stole the artifact from you, and then some guys from KOF stole it from them?

* Grant: You planned this to coincide with KOF!

* Hyena: WHAAAT?!? No, I promise, you have to believe me! I don't even understand why those guys from KOF are getting involved in mobster stuff instead of focusing on winning the tournament.

* Grant: Because they are mobsters! Because, due to your incompetence or ill wil, Geese Howard already knows about our existence and has sent his henchmen to steal the artifact!

* Hyena: And can't they... I don't know, be acting on their own initiative or something?

* Grant: Don't be ridiculous! Besides, they're not the only ones, García, the Sakazaki, and Higashi are also involved in this mess.

* Hyena: (So, gullible people? Good to know, maybe I can manipulate them later on.)

* Grant: Listen, if we don't recover what's ours, after all the money we've invested...

* Hyena: N-no need to tell me what's going to happen to me, Mr. Grant, I can imagine. Don't worry and keep me informed, I assure you I'll solve all your problems.

So once the call ends, Hyena leans against the wall, wiping his sweat with a handkerchief:

* Hyena: Oh my, time to get the f*ck out of Japan! I better catch the next train to Hokkaido.

But then, on the giant TV screen at the airport:

* Childish anchorwoman: ATTENTION, ATTENTION! Due to the multiple armed confrontations, fires, and explosions that have been occurring throughout the night in different parts of Osaka city, the Government has just declared the [Smiling and making kawai hand gestures]: State of Emergency! From this moment, all public transportation is suspended, please do not leave your homes, or the Self-Defense Forces will be forced to shoot you. SUMIMASEEEEN DEsh*tA!

* Hyena: I can't believe it, my troubles are multiplying! And now the phone rings again! [On the mobile]: Good night, Patriarch Kobayashi, how are you?

* Patriarch Kobayashi (also on the mobile): I'm gonna put a bullet in your head, you son of a bitch!

* Hyena: W-what have I done now?!?

* Patriarch Kobayashi: You betrayed me! First, you steal the artifact from me, and then you send some crazy Koreans to my office to finish me off!

* Hyena: I haven't done any of that! What evidence do you have?

* Patriarch Kobayashi: I have no evidence, but I have no doubts either! You were the only one who knew all the details of the operation; you had to be the traitor by necessity!

* Hyena: But I just...

* Patriarch Kobayashi: Shut up and watch your back because if the artifact doesn't show up, you're dead! I'm gonna spend my retirement money on hiring Bullseye!

The enraged Yakuza boss said, only for Hyena to receive another call 2 seconds later:

* Hyena (on the phone): *Sighh* Tell me, Unknown Number? What can I do for you?

* Moon Jin-Sang (also on the phone): Good night, Hyena. You don't know me, but my name is Moon Jin-Sang, and I'm the leader of the Jingweon.

* Hyena: Another criminal organization? Wonderful! Tell me, Mr. Moon, what's going on, what do you want from me?

* Moon Jin-Sang: It seems I've underestimated you, you're smarter than what I've heard. So, first, you set everything up so we can steal the artifact from Kobayashi, and then you track us down and sell us to the Tojo Clan?

* Hyena (losing his composure): IT WASN'T ME!! What's wrong with people today, they just keep blaming me for their misfortunes!

* Moon Jin-Sang: Do you expect me to believe it was a coincidence? The Jingweon never ever forgive things like those, you know?

In the end, once the string of phone calls finally concludes:

* Hyena: O-okay, let's not get upset. I mean, what's the problem? That there are three different mafias threatening to kill me and I can't even leave Japan or even Osaka? Not a big deal, I'll just go outside for a smoke and surely I'll come up with something in the meantime...

Meanwhile, in the truck carrying the nuclear bomb and speeding away from their pursuers near Nagahoribashi Station:

* Billy (driving): What's wrong with these blokes, they're following us even through the city? So f*cking disgusting, no respect for the law!

* Yamazaki: I told ya, they won't stop until we take down that helicopter... SHAAAH!

A while ago, Yamazaki tore off the cabin door to have more comfort when releasing Hebi Tsukais, just like the one who just snapped the neck of the biker riding parallel to the truck, aiming his uzi at them. The only problem is that there are about a dozen more of them, and neither our crazy ex-yakuza nor the Rhino (who is hurling compacted scrap blocks from the back of the trailer) seem to be keeping up:

* Rhino: GUYS, I'M RUNNING OUTTA SCRAP! WE GOTTA STOP AND BEAT THE sh*t OUTTA 'EM ONE BY ONE!

And indeed, they will have no choice but to stop because another biker accidentally shot a burst from his submachine gun and hit a couple of the trailer wheels. Going at nearly 60 mph, this caused the truck to flip over in the middle of the street and it didn't take long for the Second South mafia guys to surround it with the healthy intention of gunning down everyone.

* Biker 1: Who's the dumbass who shot the tires? Now we'll need another trailer and a crane, Mr. Grant is gonna be so pissed off!

* Biker 2: At least we stopped them, right? [Loudly]: What do you think of that, you sons of bitches? No more crap, start praying for your lives!

* Biker 3: (pointing with a rocket launcher): And don't think that monster scares us, this time, we came prepared!

In the face of this, our thugs from Fatal Fury respond as they climb to escape from the half-destroyed trailer, laughing their heads off:

* Yamazaki: Yeah, go ahead and shoot us with the rocket launchers! The f*ck you waiting for?

* Billy: I'd fancy to see you shoot at a truck carrying a nuclear bomb that's about to explode anyway.

This is a bluff because the trailer is not damaged enough for that, but it makes the bikers hesitate for a second. That's how long it takes for the Rhino to burst through the trailer roof as if it were a paper curtain, ram into and take out a few of them:

* Biker 1 (panicking): What are you waiting for, idiots? Blow it to piec...

That's the last thing the leader of the gang has time to say before one end of Billy's sansetsukon goes through his helmet visor and comes out covered in brain matter, although he wouldn't have been able to coordinate an attack in the midst of the chaos that has erupted in an second anyway. To sum it up, let's say that in almost less time than it takes to explain it, three important things happen (in this order):

1) The bikers (who are just untrained gangsters) panic as they see that the rocket launchers can't stop the Rhino, and they start shooting at a couple of classic Fatal Fury characters who can easily dodge the missiles just by changing lanes. As a result of this, a stray projectile hits an appliance store nearby, starting a massive fire.

2) While our friends are beating or slashing or stomping on their opponents, the smoke from the fire in point 1) has significantly reduced visibility from the air. That's why the helicopter pilot who has been following them since the previous episode had no choice but to lower his altitude to avoid losing them completely, only to be unpleasantly surprised once the smoke partially disperses:

*BOOOOOOOOM!*

* Billy: No sh*t, you can handle one of those?

* Yamazaki (lowering the rocket launcher): Pffft, they're made for idiots!

3) Any enemy who might still be alive at this point has already realized that:

a) Getting into a shootout with a couple of bullet-timers plus a guy who's immune to explosive projectiles

b) Within the radius of a nuclear bomb that may or may not be about to explode

c) While flaming helicopters fall from the sky and crash in the middle of the street

No matter how much they're getting paid it's not worth it, so they've revved up their bikes to get out of there ASAP, and they probably won't stop until they reach Okinawa (yes, I know there's water in between, but still). So, once the confrontation is over and it's time to check the corpses:

* Billy: Well, from now on, it's gonna get tougher because we might encounter snipers and whatnot. [Tossing a bulletproof vest to Yamazaki]: Here, put this on, 'cause your shirt got torn a while ago and it's indecent to walk around flashing your boobs in the street.

* Yamazaki: Haha, you're quite the comedian, huh? Are you gonna wear one too?

* Billy: Yeah, and we should get rifles, ammo, and everything we can, just in case they send the army after us for blowing up half the district.

In contrast to how most people would react (ie: telling them to go to hell already), the Rhino is having mixed feelings about teaming up with Billy and Yamazaki, since while it's commendable that a couple of mobsters who can actually be killed by bombs and shrapnel are willing to fight the army, it's also true that the Rhino thought they were smarter. That's why he decided to remind them that they also have a little logistical trouble:

* Rhino: Tough luck with the truck, huh, guys?

* Yamazaki: No big deal, it was just f*cking up our mobility. Izu iuseresu. [="It's useless."]

* Billy: It's "dun need no truck," you twat. Learn to speak proper English already.

* Rhino: What do you mean we don't need it? So what are we gonna do, carry a nuclear bomb down the street?

* Billy: Not "we," you. [Seeing the expression on Rhino's face]: Hey, what did you expect, that sh*t weighs 10 tons!

* Rhino: Yeah, yeah, that's nothing for me, but shouldn't you guys take this a bit more seriously? And not improvise so much?

* Yamazaki: Heh! Your problem is that you ain't used to working with people who are so normal and daun tu ass. [="Down to earth"]

* Rhino: ("Normal"? Does this guy consider himself normal?!?)

* Yamazaki: ...'cause if the f*cking Dr. Octopus told you to carry the bomb, you'd probably do it without complaining!

* Rhino: But the thing is, Dr. Octopus doesn't do things in such a shoddy way! Well, and where are we going, at least tell me you know!

* Yamazaki: Nearby. [Pulling out his cellphone]: Hold on, I'll check it on Google Maps.

* Billy: See? Cutting-edge tech, Dr. Octopus wouldn't have sh*t on us.

* Rhino: Yeah, laugh all you want, but when Geese hears about this mess you're gonna be in for a shock!

But Geese doesn't even know about the bomb because his henchmen never told him, so right now he's in the hotel sleeping like a log and completely unaware of everything. So let's head back to Sotenbori with Kiryu's group, as they've just encountered a platoon of the Self-Defense Forces:

* Soldier 1: Hey, what are you all doing in the street? Don't you know that a State of Emergency has been declared due to armed violence?

* Joe: Wow, what an exaggeration, declaring a State of Emergency for such a little thing! And how are we supposed to know about it when we just hightailed it out of that building over there because some snipers were shooting at us?

* Saejima: Well, I don't see it as a bad thing, they're probably looking for the nuclear bomb that's been floating around all night.

* Soldier 2: How do some civilians know that?!? This is very suspicious, we'll have to take you all to the barracks for interrogation.

* Kiryu: No, that would be a waste of time. It's best for you to go home and let us handle this.

* Soldier 3: What did you say?!? Can you see we're soldiers and we're pointing assault rifles at you?

* Soldier 2: Our High Command will handle the nuclear bomb issue in any case!

* Terry: Sorry, but in my country we say "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself." Although I feel sorry for the soldiers, should we let them come with us?

* Ryo: No, Terry, why bother? Can't you see they're the Self-Defense Forces? Like the National Guard, but even more useless.

* Soldier 1 (enraged): But who the f*ck do you think you are? Everyone against the wall, spread your legs, and raise your hands!

*MEC* *MEC*

An ice cream truck driven by Hyena has just rammed and overturned the Self-Defense Forces' jeep, making its way through the military personnel who had to hastily step aside to avoid being run over. The next thing he does is open the doors of the stolen vehicle and address our friends:

* Hyena: Come on, to the truck! Last stop before the Final Battle against the bad guys!

Which didn't sound very convincing to them, but the alternative was to get into a brawl with the soldiers. So 2 minutes later and already in the truck:

* Kiryu: Hey, Saejima, do you see anything? Are there any jeeps chasing us?

* Saejima (looking out the window): Nah, you can tell they only had one.

* Joe: And it was a toy, too, 'cause it only took an ice cream truck to flip it over

* Terry: Hey Hyena...Hyena is what you said your name was, right? Where are we going?

* Hyena: To Nagahoribashi, a rather peaceful area of Osaka that your buddies from KOF have turned into a war zone.

* Ryo: They're not "our buddies," okay? Quite the opposite, we can't wait to beat them up, especially Yamazaki.

* Hyena: Really? I'm delighted to hear that ((especially because now I won't even have to manipulate you all)).

* Majima: Alright, but how do you know they're in Nagahoribashi, huh?

* Hyena: Because it's the last place they were seen before they destroyed the helicopter, and since they ran out of a truck to transport the bomb...

* Saejima: No, we're not asking about your deductive reasoning. What my kyodai is asking is, how the f*ck do you know?

* Chris: "Deductive reasoning"? That sounded quite intellectual, didn't it?

* Saejima: Yeah, 'cause before I got into the Yakuza I almost studied to be a teacher. I even went to school until I was 15...

* Hyena: Wow, that's impressive and uplifting. My heartfelt congratulations for being, of all the people in this truck, the most cultured one.

* Majima: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT AND ANSWER THE QUESTION ALREADY, MOTHERf*ckER!

* Hyena: Okay, okay, no need to get worked up! It could be that I... have firsthand information from other people who are also looking for Geese's goons, you know?

* Terry: You mean, the Second South mafia!

* Kiryu: Or the Jingweon! Which one of them are you working for, huh?

* Hyena: For all and none! I mean, I might have helped a couple of mobs get hold of an atomic bomb, but I swear I regret it and I'll never do it again.

* Saejima: I see, you just want us to do your dirty work. Aren't you ashamed to be so cowardly and selfish?

* Hyena: Well, to be honest, no.

* Ryo: Or helping criminal organizations acquire nuclear material, while we're at it?

* Hyena: Put yourself in my shoes. I like luxury and the good life, but my only skills are gathering information and sweet-talking people! What else was I going to do, get into politics?

* Majima: He's got a point, poor guy. Within the sleaziness, he chose the least dishonorable option available.

That's not really their only skill, but we'll see more of it later. And back in the Chuo district, where an army checkpoint has just blown up:

* Billy (lowering the rocket launcher): BOOOM! f*ck you, Occupation Forces!

* Yamazaki: "Self-Defense Forces", Billy.

* Billy: Yeah, whatever. You were right, handling these things is a piece of cake, I'm glad I snagged one.

* Rhino (carrying the bomb): He's having a blast today, isn't he?

* Yamazaki: Of course, 'cause Geese never lets him do so many crazy things. Unlike me, who encourage him to do more.

* Billy: Stop f*cking around and focus on the phone, you've probably gotten lost with Google Maps again.

* Yamazaki: No, damn it, we're on the right track! It's just that the fire has spread and there's a lot of smoke, so we can't see sh*t.

* Billy: Good, maybe that'll make them think twice about sending another helicopter.

* Rhino: Speaking of helicopters, what's that flying over there?

The Rhino said, pointing towards the sky, where at a considerable altitude and through the smoke, you could make out not too clearly an MQ-9 Reaper:

* Yamazaki: f*ck! That's not a helicopter, that's a drone!

* Billy: A military drone? One that drops bombs?!?

* Yamazaki: It seems so.

* Billy: Holy sh*t, RUN!

And that's exactly what they did, running like hell in different directions, and they were very lucky that the anti-tank missile launched by the Reaper didn't hit them, even though it left a big crater in the middle of the street. Fortunately there's no one else around and a tragedy has been avoided. But it might not matter much if the nuclear warhead ends up exploding.

* Billy: What the f*ck are they doing, have they lost their minds?!? [Shouting]: Rhino, run away and protect the bomb with your body!

* Yamazaki (also shouting): No, drop the bomb and get away from it! Listen to me, I know more about weapons!

* Rhino: (Damn, I'm in the biggest dilemma of my life! Who's right, the guy who saved me from the Matrix or the certified nutjob?!?)

Thought our brainless friend, referring to things that happened in the previous fanfiction, during which it was abundantly clear that Billy (even though not giving a f*ck most of the time) saved the day on the rare occasions he got involved. That's why it's a miracle that Rhino dropped the bomb and ran in the opposite direction, so much so that when the next AGM-114 Hellfire hits him right in the face, even though the explosion hurt him a bit, he has to be relieved:

* Rhino (getting up): Whew! That was close!

* Yamazaki (shouting): You moron, do you really think they can see us in the middle of the night with all that smoke? Thank goodness he listened to me!

* Billy: Oh, okay, they're heat-seeking missiles... [Also shouting]: Alright, I've got another plan, listen to me now, this one's good!

* Yamazaki: No, go f*ck yourself, you almost killed us!

* Billy: No, listen to me, damn it! [Pointing]: You see that thing over there that looks like a subway entrance?

* Yamazaki: What, the entrance to the underground gallery?

* Billy (running in the opposite direction): Get ready for when they launch the next missile! Rhino, don't forget to pick up the bomb!

At that moment, the ice cream truck carrying Kiryu's group arrived just in time to see Billy performing his Neo MAX from KOF XIII, unleashing a lot of fire in the distance. This confused the missile, causing it to explode without casualties and allowing the others to run to the entrance of CRYSTA Nagahori. Of course, at this hour, it remains closed, but the Rhino easily knocked down its doors by ramming into them.

* Joe: Look at my bro-in-law risking his life for a lousy bodyguard salary! For one good thing Geese did, which was adopting that dude, he sure does make a profit out of it!

* Terry: No, it's not for a lousy bodyguard salary. It's because if one of those missiles they're firing hits the nuclear bomb, we're all done for.

* Saejima: Hyena, what's going on? Which of the mafia groups involved in this has a drone?

* Hyena: I don't know! Maybe it's the Self-Defense Forces.

* Ryo: But why would the Self-Defense Forces want to destroy half of Osaka? That doesn't make any sense.

By this point, Billy has also reached the entrance of the underground gallery, running like crazy before they launch the next Hellfire, so now it's the heroes' turn to face the Reaper:

* Majima: C'mon, Hyena, what are you waiting for? They're getting away, get us closer to the entrance of CRYSTA Nagahori!

* Hyena: But... but they're firing missiles! Damn, if I make it out of this I might even look for a real job.

And with that gloomy comment born of fear and desperation we conclude today's episode. In the next one, we will see the conclusion of this storyline.

Chapter 18: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part X)

Chapter Text

Still on Hyena's ice cream truck and continuing from the previous episode, Kiryu's group prepares to confront the MQ-9 Reaper drone guarding the entrance to the underground gallery through which the criminals they've been chasing all night just passed:

* Majima: C'mon, Hyena, what are you waiting for? They're getting away, get us closer to the entrance of CRYSTA Nagahori!

* Hyena (driving): But... but they're firing missiles! Damn, if I make it out of this I might even look for a real job.

* Chris: Yes, heat-seeking missiles, and we're in a vehicle with 8 people inside. Great strategy...

* Saejima: Kid, something's wrong with you. You know your hands are on fire, and your eyes changed color, right?

* Kiryu: And why are you burning the roof of the truck?

But Orochi Chris doesn't even bother to respond to that. He prefers to float out through the hole he just made and jump from the top of the truck to the street below. Next, he takes off running in the opposite direction while waiting for another Hellfire missile to be launched from the drone, then he performs an impressive jump of at least 10 meters in height and sprays purple fire on an empty section of the street as if he were a flamethrower:

* Hyena (braking suddenly): The kid's right, everyone get down now!

The rest of our friends barely have time to get out of the truck before feeling the tremendous explosion caused by the anti-tank missile hitting the street, attracted by Orochi Chris's flames. By the time they have a chance to realize what's happening, the aforementioned is no longer a kid but has transformed into an adult, bare-chested, with white hair and chest tattoos, defiantly staring at the drone:

* Terry: Uh oh, this is bad news! Seems like Orochi isn't as sealed as Kyo thinks!

* Majima: And to think I took it lightly when you said that kid was a bit possessed...

The physical incarnation of Yamata no Orochi raises a finger towards the sky in a co*cky manner, and at that very moment, the MQ-9 Reaper (which was flying at 25,000 feet) simply explodes into pieces, consumed by a supernatural halo of light. Fortunately for mankind, what lands in the middle of the street after all of this is once again O. Chris, visibly exhausted after performing a Climax Move followed by a HSDM:

* Joe: Umm... Hey, Chris, are you okay?

* O. Chris: Get the bomb, you idiots! If you haven't found it within 20 minutes, I'm going in, and I assure you that you won't like it.

* Kiryu: Hey, those aren't the right ways to talk to adults!

* Ryo: We better listen to him, okay? We've been having too much luck, just trust me.

So, everyone present except Chris descends into the entrance of CRYSTA Nagahori, one of those huge underground shopping centers that the Japanese love so much.

* Majima: Look at how that kid's character has changed, huh?

* Terry: Don't think so. He's actually the same as always, just a bit more of a jerk.

* Saejima: We'll deal with him later. For now, let's look for the bomb... Hey, what's that?

Saejima said, pointing to the remains of three cellphones on the ground, which appear to have been smashed, at the very least, by a steamroller:

* Joe: The one with the Union Jack flag must be my bro-in-law's, and I guess the other idiot's must be there too... But whose is the third one?

* Ryo: Didn't you see it when Billy was up there messing with the drone? The monster we encountered on the road is with them now.

* Joe: WHAT?! Dude, a monster that can use a cellphone gotta be worse than the girl from The Ring!

* Hyena: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the monster. Another thing in addition to the mobsters, terrorists, drones, and demon-possessed kids that are also involved in this.

Although the monster, as we already know, is actually the Rhino disguised as Kuidaore Taro. Oh, and the phone thing is because Yamazaki heard somewhere that drones can geolocate you through your mobile phone's GPS (which is not exactly the case, but something along those lines). He then burst into laughter, seeing the expressions on his companions' faces at the prospect of having to destroy their phones. It was a fit of laughter that lasted too long and coincided with the moment Chris transformed into Orochi...

* Majima: Yeah, we know we're in deep sh*t. But it's better that we don't waste time because this place is practically a maze.

And that's how the group split into four (Majima with Saejima, Ryo with Joe, Kiryu with Hyena, and poor Terry, who was left alone), each going in a different direction to cover more ground and facilitate the search in that vast and empty underground shopping center. The (claustrophobic? agoraphobic?) feeling of being in a place like that in the wee hours of the morning and knowing that a monster could appear at any moment is similar to playing Here They Lie on a VR headset, but without the motion sickness.

That's why when, after a while, Terry spotted his lifelong sub-bosses walking down a long corridor, accompanied by a grotesque creature in tattered clothes carrying an atomic bomb on its shoulder, he even felt relieved:

* Terry (shouting): Hey, you guys! How about you drop that and notify the authorities, doesn't that sound like a plan?

However, naturally, when they turned around, the reactions of the said individuals were quite different:

* Billy: I can't believe it, Terry's at it again, being a pain in the ass!

* Yamazaki: What the f*ck is wrong with this guy's head?

* Terry: Rhino? Is that you?

* Rhino: Hello, Terry. [Laughing] You won't believe what these two are up to today, one for money, and the other so his boss can look down on some guy named M. Bison.

* Terry: Yeah, and why are you helping them?

* Rhino: Why not?

* Yamazaki: Rhino, we're in a hurry, okay? When a bum stops to talk to you, the best thing to do is to knock his head off with a punch.

* Rhino: But how could I knock Terry's head off? Terry is a good guy!

* Billy: This bloke? The one who wanna kill the closest thing I have to a father and f*ck up my life?

* Rhino: I don't think Terry is capable of killing anyone, Billy. Maybe in another time, but not anymore.

* Terry: Nice work, not letting the mobsters manipulate you... That's my Rhino!

* Billy: *Sigh* Get away with the bomb and we'll see you later.

* Yamazaki (cracking his neck): Yeah, run like the wind while we take care of this idiot.

For a moment, the Rhino hesitated. He doesn't like the idea of a fight, especially after witnessing how easily Billy and Yamazaki take down people. However, he soon realized that the SNK folks have been settling things like this for a lifetime, that there's really nothing he can do, and that it would be unfair for him to take sides:

* Rhino: Sure, but... please don't kill each other, okay?

With that said, the Rhino walked away, trying not to look back. Therefore, he missed how Yamazaki lunged at Terry with a knife in hand, attempting to slash him a couple of times. However, Terry skillfully dodged the attacks and countered with a low sliding kick, followed by a high one (his Fire Kick) and an energy punch that sent the former yakuza crashing into one of the pillars in CRYSTA Nagahori and left the imprint of Terry's knuckles clearly visible on Yamazaki's bulletproof vest:

* Yamazaki (getting up): Tsk, nosy bastard... What do you care if we swiped an atomic bomb?

* Billy: I've had enough of you! It's always the same story, one's minding his own business, and you have to come in and f*ck things up!

* Terry: I don't know what to say to that, honestly...

As expected, when Terry saw Billy leaping towards him, he reacted with a Rising Tackle to avoid getting hit in the head. Unfortunately, it was a short hop, and Billy caught him in mid-air with his own anti-air move, stretching the sansetsukon diagonally upward, hitting Terry, and then setting him on fire. By the time our favorite hobo landed, Yamazaki was waiting for him, wasting no time in stomping him out against the ground and then kicking him towards Billy again.

* Billy: So apologize, motherf*cker!

The sansetsukon stretches again, this time horizontally, reaching Terry on the rebound and engulfing him in another explosion of fire. Billy would have preferred to catch him with the Cho Kaen Senpuukon, but he doesn't have enough bar yet.

* Terry (getting up charred): (Damn, these two are in perfect harmony. But it's to be expected considering how much they dislike each other.)

Which makes sense in Terry's mind, as he firmly believes in the theory mentioned earlier, which states that the best way for human beings to communicate is through physical confrontation. Following this reasoning to its logical conclusion, Billy and Yamazaki at this point would have told each other everything they needed without words, wouldn't even need to talk among themselves anymore and could practically coordinate through telepathy. So Terry knows that if he wants to get out of this he'll have to take the fight very seriously:

* Terry: Yeah, sure, I'm gonna apologize to you two! After endangering the whole city by carrying an atomic bomb back and forth!

Dodging a Hebi Tsukai that sent his cap flying through the air by a hair's breadth, Terry goes on the offensive, using Power Dunks, Crack Shoots, and occasionally a Round Wave and forcing the sub-bosses to go on the defensive, as fighting against the Hungry Wolf is no joke, even when it's two against one. He then dashes backward and launches a Power Wave to avoid a Guard Cancel or a grab. However, he forgets that Billy can avoid ground projectiles by propelling himself forward with the staff. As a result, he takes a solid kick to the chest followed by the first DM of the fight, now that Billy has enough bar, namely the Guren Sakkon.

* Billy: You're the only one putting cities in danger here, Terry. 'cause you're a wreck and the embodiment of the saying, "One fool can ruin a whole town."

The Wolf knows he's referring to South Town, and it hurts, perhaps not as much as getting burned with a fire stick and then falling from three or four meters in height, but it does hurts a bit. He had the intention to reply, but he couldn't due to the explosive headbutt delivered by Yamazaki just as he was getting up from the ground.

* Yamazaki: Heh heh, that's right! You start trying to save Osaka and the bomb is sure to blow up in our faces.

Next up was an OTG from Billy trying to split his skull with the sansetsukon, but Terry manages to dodge it in time and gets into a defensive stance.

* Billy: Worthless heroes like you are best left in a pool of blood with their heads split open! Or do you want the nutjobs from Second South to take the bomb?

* Terry: Nah, but it won't be the Howard Connection either. Mark my words on this, Billy.

Terry knows that words are futile, and over 20 consecutive blows to the head would be the only way to validate his point of view, but he can't start a lengthy combo on one of them because the other would take advantage. So, he'll try a different strategy, walking backward about 5 meters (where neither Yamazaki's Hebi Tsukai nor Billy's staff stretched to the maximum range without any DMs can reach) to see what happens.

* Yamazaki: Hey, where the f*ck are you going? We haven't finished kicking your ass yet!

* Terry: Hey, c'mon, c'mon!

Terry gestured for them to attack, knowing that his sub-bosses are rather reactive (a habit from the time when they weren't playable). However, they wasted no time in going after him, Yamazaki with an axe kick that Terry luckily managed to block high, and Billy attempting to strike him on the head, leaving the Wolf's forearms quite bruised as he parried it.

* Terry: (Well, it looks like they don't have telepathy after all!)

Otherwise one would have gone for an overhead attack while the other attempted a low one, which would have been tough for Terry. Fortunately for him, not only did that not happen, but he also had time to throw Yamazaki away and block Billy's next combo (which did start with a cr.B) before pushing him back with a powerful C+D kick. Billy hadn't even touched the ground when the former yakuza jumped to initiate the Guillotine and that's when our favorite hobo executed the technique he had been saving:

* Terry (punching the ground): Overheat...GEYSER!

BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! Three impressive pillars of energy erupted from the ground, reaching their enemies while they were still in the air and sending them flying several meters. On one hand, it was good as it dealt them significant damage, but on the other hand, their health bars were now in the red, which surely pissed them off:

* Billy (getting up): Damn, how I hate that Triple Geyser sh*t!

* Yamazaki (equally frustrated): You're gonna pay for that, you lousy amateur!

Yamazaki charged toward Terry, who barely managed to block the subsequent kick. However, what worried him more was seeing Billy pole-vault into the air, and after a few moments, he still hadn't landed. Of course, he couldn't turn his head to check while dealing with so many Hebi Tsukai's from above and below. But the sudden increase in temperature at his back told him that the Cho Kaen Senpuukon in the form of a spinning wheel of fire was right behind him:

* Billy: Watch out or you're gonna get burned! Hahaha!

* Terry: D-damn it!

The Hungry Wolf couldn't afford to let Yamazaki push him back even an inch, or he would end up with severe burns that would quickly end the fight. So, he charged at Yamazaki with a Power Charge followed by a Rising Tackle, allowing them to escape the wheel of fire that Billy launched into the air. What he couldn't avoid once on the ground was a combo of strikes from behind, kicks with spins, and blows from the extended sansetsukon ala RBS, which ended up sending him inches away from our rather friendly former yakuza:

* Yamazaki (grabbing Terry by the head): THIS IS YOUR FAULT FOR FORCING ME TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!

With that, he violently threw Terry to the ground, waited for him to bounce back, and slammed him down again, this time hitting him on the head with a rather sturdy advertising sign we don't know when or where he got a hold of. Next, he delivered a punch with his left hand in the form of an energy drill, sending him soaring through the air. Terry had good or bad luck, depending on how you look at it, as he ended up crashing through the window of what appeared to be a guardhouse located at the height of a second floor:

* Yamazaki (yelling from the ground): GYAHAHAHAH! f*ck you, Terry! Enjoy the Out of Bounds!

* Billy (same): You're lucky we don't know how to get up there!

* Yamazaki: Heh, it's been fun, but now we gotta find the Rhino... How sentimental that guy is, huh?

* Billy: For not wanting to crush Terry? What did you expect, he's no Iori Yagami. Makes me a tad proud.

Of course if this fanfiction was following the continuity of Fatal Fury I'm sure they'd find a way to go up and finish off Terry. However, in the KOF storyline, it doesn't seem like they hate him as much. So, as Billy and Yamazaki head off to find the Rhino, let's stick with Kiryu and Hyena, who are exploring another part of the underground shopping mall:

* Kiryu: Hey, why are you staring at your phone so much? You've been like this since we split from the rest.

* Hyena: I'm just trying to get my bearings with this map. Keep in mind that this place is huge and has a lot of entrances, including subway stations. By the way, I wanted to ask you something... because asking isn't meant to offend, right?

* Kiryu: You're not very direct for a gaijin. Don't beat around the bush so much.

* Hyena: The guys we're looking for are killers, you know? The KOF gathers the world's best fighters, but most of them are martial artists and the like. These guys, though, are used to surviving on the streets with a "kill or be killed" mentality since they were kids.

* Kiryu: I believe you; I've seen what they did to the Jingweon.

* Hyena: And the monster who's with them... they say he can split people in two, send trucks flying, and rocket launchers don't even tickle him.

* Kiryu: He was also able to throw my taxi with five people inside about a kilometer away. So, what's your question?

* Hyena: What are you supposed to do if we find them, fight them? This goes beyond even you, Fourth Chairman of the Tojo Clan!

* Kiryu: Do you know who I am?

* Hyena: I'm good with information, like I said. Hey, look at yourself; you're on a suicide mission for a clan that doesn't even exist anymore. What's the point in that? Let's find the nearest exit and get out of here, shall we?

* Kiryu: No.

* Hyena (losing his temper): But can't you see that we're going to die?! Let them take the bomb to the United States, man, what do you care?

* Kiryu: I won't allow them to use it here or anywhere else. Not even in the United States. Not even if the Americans fired us two.

* Hyena: "Allow"? Be more realistic, hero! Even if, by some miracle, you managed to defeat those guys, you still couldn't recover the bomb!

* Kiryu: Why do you say that?

* Hyena: Because...

*BOOOOOOM!*

At that very moment, the entrance door to CRYSTA Nagahori bursts into pieces, and 20 men in paramilitary clothing enter, led by another more elegantly dressed man who looks like a hosto:

* Moon Jin-Sang: What a wonderful coincidence to find you here, Kiryu. That saves us the trouble of searching for you.

* Kiryu: You're... the Jingweon, aren't you?

* Moon Jin-Sang: You've been exterminating my people your whole life, and you still can't recognize us at first sight? By the way, my name is Moon Jin-Sang.

* Hyena: Oh, good night, Mr. Moon, it's an honor to meet you in person. And tell me, what brings you here?

* Moon Jin-Sang: Hyena, what a stupid question is that? You sent me the location of this place via WhatsApp.

* Hyena: B-but don't say that in front of Kiryu, damn it!

* Kiryu (looking at Hyena): Tsk, scum...

* Moon Jin-Sang: Whatever, the Dragon of Dojima is going to die here and now, we don't even care about the bomb as long as we can finish him. You can just leave.

* Hyena: Yes, Mr. Moon, I'll take you up on that offer! Goodbye and thank you very much, right?

Too bad that as he was hurrying towards the door that the Jingweon had just blown up with explosives, two of Moon Jin-Sang's henchmen blocked his way:

* Moon Jin-Sang: But not through this door, this one is for our exclusive use. It's fine, I'm sure a clever guy like you won't have any trouble finding another way out.

Hyena could probably break down any other door on his own (after all, he's a fighter from the Maximum Impact series), but he's not used to doing those things and lacks self-confidence. Right now, he sees no other option but to run through the mall without knowing where to go because the only other available exit right now might have Orochi Chris waiting for him. Meanwhile, Kiryu and the Jingweon boss have instantly stripped off their upper garments, a sign that a big fight is about to happen.

MOON JIN-SANG
Leader of the Jingweon Mafia
(Japanese Branch)

* Moon Jin-Sang: You have no idea how many times I've dreamt of this moment, Kiryu... Because you killed my father! You killed my grandfather and my great-grandfather!

One of the Jingweon rushes at Kiryu with a knife, but Kiryu quickly slams him against the metal shutter of one of the stores after a combo of punches and kicks. Next, he grabs a decorative plant by the stem and beats another one with it before breaking the flowerpot over his head:

* Kiryu: I've never killed anyone, and the Jingweon have a bad habit of committing suicide, so your father and grandfather probably killed themselves.

The next assassin who charges at Kiryu has had less luck because he breaks the man's arm and disarms him in the blink of an eye. Then he thrusts the knife into the man's chest, and it can be seen clearly as the blade comes out of his back:

* Moon Jin-Sang: But...

* Kiryu: No buts! Once you kill someone there's no turning back, that's why I try never to cross that line.

And here our friend is absolutely right because he didn't hit any vital organs in the man from before, and if he bleeds to death due to lack of medical attention, it wouldn't be Kiryu's fault. However, Moon Jin-Sang seems to have misunderstood something so obvious and has taken it as sarcasm or irony:

* Moon Jin-Sang: Are you mocking my ancestors and me? What are you waiting for? Finish him!

A few more assassins approach Kiryu, and he responds by lifting the guy he stabbed earlier by one leg and using him to hit a couple of them. He performs a parry on the next one, then punches him with both fists on the temple, leaving him dazed. The one next to him receives a Tiger Drop, slamming him against the wall and knocking him out immediately. All of this is done without using Heat Actions (or in other words, a la Yakuza 5):

* Kiryu: It's possible that my clan killed your great-grandfather. But those who did it have been dead for a long time.

* Moon Jin-Sang: Damn Japanese, you fix everything like this! Am I supposed to just accept that and forget about it?

* Kiryu: Or you can try to seek revenge and get your face smashed in, as you see fit.

Four more assassins have charged at Kiryu in rapid succession, but he has picked up another knife from the ground and quickly slit their throats one after the other. Of course, this wasn't killing either, but while they were on the ground bleeding out, Kiryu saw the Jingweon carrying a cart down the mall's stairs, with something covered by a blanket. They placed it about 50 meters away:

* Moon Jin-Sang: I bet you're wondering what's on the cart, right? I'll tell you, it's Korean tech specifically designed to kill Japanese!

Kiryu couldn't see it very well due to being occupied fighting the rest of the Jingweon, but when they uncovered the object and placed it on the ground, we could see a contraption that looks like a hybrid between a forklift and a 16th-century hwacha. From a distance, it looked like an ordinary forklift to our Dragon of Dojima. So, amid the ongoing fight, he couldn't help but ask:

* Kiryu: What's so Korean about that?

* Moon Jin-Sang: It's from Hyundai.

With Moon Jin-Sang getting on the infernal contraption, we'll end today's episode as it's already quite lengthy. In the next chapter, we'll have the conclusion of this story arc (yeah, this time for real, I promise).

Chapter 19: Ryuji Ga Gotoku (Part XI)

Chapter Text

Still at CRYSTA Nagahori and continuing from the previous episode, Moon Jin-Sang has just climbed onto a hybrid between a forklift and a hwacha. He presses a button, and now there's a platform of at least 300 arrows within their respective tubes, all pointing towards Kiryu:

* Kiryu: What's so Korean about that?

* Moon Jin-Sang: It's from Hyundai.

Moon Jin-Sang wastes no time in igniting one of the main fuses to launch the first batch of 50 explosive arrows, which fly towards Kiryu like rockets, thanks to the attached gunpowder charges. The fact that, as a result, he has massacred his own henchmen, and that the Dragon of Dojima has saved himself by using one of them as a human shield (mind you, that's not killing either), doesn't seem to affect him in the slightest:

* Moon Jin-Sang: Yes, I can imagine what you're thinking, but it doesn't matter! Every last one of my men is willing to die just to send you to Hell!

Said the Jingweon leader, Zelenski-style, before igniting the second fuse and unleashing another 50 projectiles simultaneously. Luckily, Kiryu saw it coming and managed to take cover behind a column in time. This forced his adversary to maneuver the forklift in such a way that he once again has our friend in his sights, even if it meant getting a few meters closer:

* Moon Jin-Sang: What are you doing running towards me? Do you really think you'll have time? Stay still and accept your death with dignity!

Still more than 30 meters away, Moon Jin-Sang fires for the third time, and this time he manages to hit his target. However, the red aura completely surrounding Kiryu as if he were on fire (the Dragon's Spirit) has temporarily made him invulnerable to any physical damage. To the dismay of his enemy, by the way, because the half a dozen explosive arrows that hit him didn't stop him for even a millisecond:

* Kiryu: Tsk, I'm getting tired of this... Come out and fight like a man before I drag you out with my fists!

* Moon Jin-Sang: S-stop running, don't get any closer, do you hear me? Stay where you are!

But Kiryu's aura has faded, giving his adversary the hint that his invulnerability has worn off. Instead of trying to get away, Moon Jin-Sang decides to shoot the next batch. The problem is, Kiryu reacts by sliding along the ground, closing the distance so much that the projectiles pass right over him without hitting him at any point:

* Moon Jin-Sang: D-damn it!

By the time he realizes his mistake and starts to back off, it's too late because Kiryu has grabbed onto the forklift and is about to stop it forcefully. If it were Ichiban's gang in Ryu Ga Gotoku 7, they would probably have to brawl with the industrial machinery, and destroying it would take several turns. But not Kiryu. One punch is all it takes for him to shatter the bulletproof glass, grab Moon Jin-Sang by the neck, and violently pull him out of the contraption:

* Kiryu: Okay, enough of this nonsense. It's time for us to start fighting for real.

* Moon Jin-Sang (bleeding profusely): Why bother? You just defeated 20 highly trained killers with rocket artillery support. You're not human; you're a monster!

* Kiryu: And just because of that, you're not going to fight, kid from the Crystal Generation?

* Moon Jin-Sang: I've got crystals stuck all over my body! You could have at least pulled me out of the machine more gently!

* Kiryu: Tsk. Well, I just hope you've learned your lesson and stop messing around with nuclear weapons.

* Moon Jin-Sang: Wait, does that mean you're not going to kill me, turn me in to the police, or anything?

* Kiryu: Everyone deserves a second chance.

Said Kiryu, turning around to leave when, in an unexpected turn of events that no fan of his franchise could have foreseen, Moon Jin-Sang pulled out a gun and shot him in the back:

* Moon Jin-Sang: HAW! Do you really think I'll just surrender like that and allow the Tojo Clan to humiliate us for the third consecutive time?

* Kiryu (bleeding on the ground): For... the fourth time.

* Moon Jin-Sang: Whatever, who's keeping track at this point? My goodness, if I had known you were so stupid I would have finished you off much sooner!

And indeed, he was already aiming the gun point-blank with the healthy intention of blowing Kiryu's brains out when an old acquaintance of ours appeared at the other end of the hallway:

* Rhino: Damn, I'm more lost than a bastard on Father's Day... Hey, kid, you got a moment?

* Moon Jin-Sang (astonished): Who the hell... what the hell are you supposed to be?!?

* Rhino: What's up? Never seen a 800 lbs dude dressed as a clown and carrying an atomic bomb or what?

* Moon Jin-Sang: Isn't that the bomb we stole from Kobayashi? But how the hell do you have it?

* Rhino: Don't get all tangled up. I'm looking for a punk rocker with a stick and a bleach-blond Jap, have you seen 'em or not?

* Moon Jin-Sang: Doesn't ring a bell.

* Rhino: And what 'bout you, dude with the dragon tattoo who's 'bout to get shot in the head?

* Kiryu: Nandato?

Asked our friend in total confusion because the conversation is in English, and he doesn't understand a word of it. In contrast, Moon Jin-Sang has no problems communicating with Rhino:

* Moon Jin-Sang: Listen, how much do you want for the bomb? My organization will give you all the money you ask for.

* Rhino: Money, money! Money ain't worth sh*t; if I want something, I take it, period! What really matters in this life is people!

* Moon Jin-Sang: And yet you don't care that a murder is about to happen?

* Rhino: People I KNOW, damn it! sh*t, why can't it be like before, us against the world? I wish KOF had never started!

The Rhino said, nostalgically recalling how things were in the previous fanfiction when he didn't know there were factions in SNK. Just then, Billy and Yamazaki arrived:

* Billy: Man, where were you? Why do you have to go so far?

* Rhino: 'cause this place is huge, I can't read maps, and I got lost... And how did you guys find me?

* Yamazaki (shrugging): With my mysterious Hakkeshu powers, how else?

* Billy: Bollocks, don't play it cool! [To the Rhino]: It's 'cause you leave craters in the ground, it wasn't that hard really.

* Rhino: Hey, what about Terry? Is he alive?

* Yamazaki: Rhino, who do you take us for? We just beat the sh*t outta him and that's all.

* Billy: We're pros, you think we enjoy killing people? Well, maybe Yamazaki does, but not me.

* Rhino: No, you just don't give a f*ck! And if you're such pros, why are you saying our names in front of these guys?

* Billy: Relax, as if they were gonna survive or anything...

Upon hearing this, Moon Jin-Sang raised his weapon to shoot, but Billy struck him with the sansetsukon so quickly that in less time than it takes to say it, he's in a pool of his own blood with his teeth on the ground. Which, by the way, increases the Rhino's skepticism a bit:

* Rhino: Okay, you're gonna kill the witnesses, that makes sense! But how do I know you haven't done the same to Terry?

* Billy: Nah, Yama here Drilled him and sent him to Timbuktu.

* Yamazaki: And then we were too lazy to go look for him, you'll believe that, right?

* Rhino: I don't know what to believe anymore! You've got me into this f*cking mess, made me fight against the army, gave me contradictory orders, and we almost got blown up by a drone!

* Yamazaki: "And I'd do it again 10/10", wouldn't you?

* Rhino: Well, yeah, it was fun... But if Terry's dead, then no!

At that moment, the missing ones showed up (meaning Ryo, Joe, Majima, Saejima, and the aforementioned Terry):

* Terry: I'm not dead, Rhino, don't be overdramatic! Those two and I just had a conversation.

* Rhino: Terry, is that you? What a relief!

* Terry: Likewise, but...

* Majima: Hey, could you stop mumbling incomprehensible crap and start speaking a language we can understand?

* Terry: But the Rhino... I mean, the big guy carrying the bomb...

* Saejima: Terry-han, here we all speak Japanese. If the big guy doesn't, he better goes to a language school.

* Majima: Before coming to Japan to f*ck with the Yakuza, the least you can do is pass the N3!

* Terry: When you're right, you're right. Although it's not his fault for not knowing Japanese, I was lucky Master Tung taught me.

* Majima: A Chinese dude? Okay, okay! Hey Kiryu-chan, what are you doing lying on the ground? Are you injured?

* Kiryu (getting up): I got shot, but I'm fine already.

* Ryo: Great because it's time to settle scores. [To Billy and Yamazaki]: You're gonna pay for sending Robert to the hospital, assholes!

As evidence that a full-blown shodown is imminent, Majima and Saejima don't waste a second to strip off from the waist up, showing off their fancy tattoos (a Hannya and a Tiger, respectively). On the other hand, the guys from Team South Town prefer to grab the military gear they looted from their enemies' corpses:

* Billy (pulling a grenade from his belt): Want the bomb, you sons of bitches?

* Yamazaki (brandishing an MP5): Come and get it if you have the balls!

Logically, they didn't bother using these kinds of weapons against the Hungry Wolf because they know he's a bullet-timer. Truth be told, the rest of their group hasn't had much trouble dodging the submachine gun burst or taking cover while a couple of grenades explode relatively close. The only exception is the Mad Dog of Shimano, who advances toward them, dodging bullets and moving at super-speed bursts:

* Majima: Well, I'll suppose we'll gotta thank you chinpira for saving Osaka from a nuclear disaster.

Yamazaki, seeing him approach, fires another burst, but Majima is moving so fast that he's been able to create 4 shadow clones of himself, indistinguishable from the original:

* Majima 2: And come to think of it, you probably saved Kamurocho too

* Majima 3: You've even dealt with the Jingweon so we wouldn't have to.

* Majima 4: Seriously, if my Family still existed, I'd let you in. At the bottom of the hierarchy, but still...

* Majima 5: Although I could hire you in my company as construction workers...

The shadow clones have surrounded the members of Team South Town, moving at the same speed as the original, and one of them has jumped, attempting to stab Yamazaki. However, Yamazaki shot him, and he dissolved in the air as if he had never existed. Billy, on the other hand, dissolved two clones with a sweep of his sansetsukon:

* Yamazaki: The f*ck you're talking 'bout, construction workers?!? Clearly, you don't know us!

* Billy: A fart from my boss is worth more than your whole Clan, you piece of...!

A Power Charge followed by a Power Dunk threw him to the ground before he could finish that sentence, as Terry decided it was time to intervene in the fight. Meanwhile, Yamazaki shot the last clone before getting stabbed in the shoulder by the original, causing him to drop the MP5. Majima would have continued the attack if he hadn't had to dodge a punch from the Rhino:

* Rhino: Hey you, the one with the eye patch! I'm still on the side of these guys!

* Saejima: Don't touch my kyodai!

And maybe it's because he caught him off guard, but Saejima just lifted the Rhino over his head and threw him into the distance. While for the KOF crew this might not be so impressive (as they can do the same to characters like Chang or Earthquake in SvC), for the power levels of the Ryu Ga Gotoku guys it's mind-blowing:

* Rhino: WHAT THE f*ck? Let's see if you have the balls to throw me again, baldy!

Said the aforementioned, getting up from the crater he made in his fall and preparing to charge, just as Saejima is about to do the same from the opposite side. For a moment, it seemed like they were indeed going to collide with each other, but the Tiger of Sasai was smart and decided to roll out of the Rhino's path at the last moment:

*CRAAAASH!*

* Ryo: Hey Saejima, making that guy crash into the columns isn't a good idea... Mostly because we're underground, you know?

* Saejima: Are you saying he could bring down the whole shopping center and bury us alive?

* Ryo: Haven't you seen him on TV? I've seen him live, and he's so powerful that the Haoh Shokoken's don't even tickle him.

* Rhino (shaking off the debris): Yeah, if only you were like your dad... Your dad really knows how to throw some punches!

Comparisons suck, but at least the Rhino remembered Ryo even though they've only seen each other a couple of times. Of course, Ryo isn't concerned about those things right now. He knows it's best to keep the Rhino out of the fight, so he throws three long-range Koohken's at his face:

* Rhino: Damn, stop doing that, you're blinding me!

* Ryo: That's the idea.

* Rhino: I don't wanna kill you, but being Takuma's son this probably won't... [Charging]: RHINO SMASH!

While Ryo avoids Rhino's charge, trying to tire him out (which won't happen, as he once fought the Hulk for days), Terry has just narrowly dodged a stretched sansetsukon blow that was heading straight for his head:

* Billy: Haven't you had enough already? Go to the hospital to get those third-degree burns treated!

* Terry: We have to take the bomb from you first.

* Billy: Why? So your Yakuza mates can keep it?

* Terry: They're good Yakuza just trying to save their neighborhood.

And here, Billy doesn't know what hit him harder, the High Angle Geyser he just narrowly blocked or that comment:

* Billy: You really believe that?!? Stupid arsehole!

Our favorite hooligan just executed a Guard Cancel and knocked Terry down with a C+D, a situation that Joe seized to try to reach him with a Slash Kick. Unfortunately for him, Billy reacted first with a Dai Senpuu and sent both of them flying right towards where the Rhino was:

* Rhino (grabbing Joe by the ankle): Oooops... Excuse me, Terry's friend!

He then used Joe as a makeshift club to hit Ryo and Saejima, proving that he's also crazy enough to use such a technique (as if we had any doubt?). But let's go back to Yamazaki, because just as Kiryu was trying to grab him for a Piledriver, he stabbed him with the same knife he had just pulled out of his shoulder:

* Yamazaki (throwing the knife and sticking it into the ground): Come on, you still need a hundred years to surpass me! f*ck you! GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, laughing his ass off and taking advantage of Kiryu falling to the ground, he started stomping on him, which worked great for the bullet wound in his back. When the Dragon of Dojima's blood reached his ankle, Yamazaki decided that was enough and sent him flying with a kick:

* Majima: How lovely, is that the fighting style Sorimachi taught you?

* Yamazaki: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Majima avoids a Hebi Tsukai and takes the opportunity to acrobatically slide on the ground and retrieve his knife. He then throws two slashes that Yamazaki dodges, then tosses the knife into the air, lands a few punches on his opponent, catches the knife mid-fall, and stabs it into Yamazaki's side with a spinning kick:

* Majima: You think I don't know you, but I used to live in Osaka and heard about ya. [Retrieving the knife]: You're the guy who lost it when they offed his aniki.

* Billy: Yamazaki lost it 'cause they offed his aniki? WOW, I always thought he came that way out of the factory!

* Majima (laughing): And you won't believe the slaughter he unleashed after that. They say he even dismembered his own oyabun...

* Yamazaki: AND YOU'RE GONNA BE NEXT, BIG MOUTH!

Uh oh, here comes a 100% from KOF 2002! Moving so fast not even Majima could react in time, Yamazaki performed a short jump followed by a couple of punches, entered MAX mode, started running, and after another punch, it was a non-stop barrage of axe kicks, kicks that raise sand (even if there isn't any), and stabs, culminating in another punch and a level 4 SDM Drill, all while laughing like a madman. Needless to say, Majima is lucky to still be alive after receiving fifty-something blows in 10 seconds. Saejima tried to help, but Billy cut him off in time:

* Saejima: You should keep an eye on your kyodai, he's as crazy as a damn goat!

* Billy: That bloke is not my mate, let alone my kyodai. But leave him be, 'cause he's on fire today.

FIRE! A Saejima engulfed in flames and crashed into the shutter of a shop later, let's get back to the Rhino, who for a moment just stared at how much of a madman Yamazaki is:

* Rhino (amazed): WOW...Just WOW!

* Joe: Hey, pay more attention to the fight; that's disrespectful! What's up, never seen that nutjob in KOF?

* Rhino: But guys, can't you see you won't be able to handle me? It's a miracle you can still move.

* Joe: Yeah, you f*cked up my leg, and probably some bones too. [Showing him his butt]: So come over here because next time, I'll wreck you, dude!

To be fair, Rhino has been holding back quite a bit until now, first because he doesn't want to kill the guys from SNK and secondly not to bring down the shopping mall. Although Joe's typical martial arts greeting didn't sit well with him, so he decided he needed a punch:

* Rhino (charging): How can someone be so rude?!?

* Joe: (Oh boy, if this doesn't work, I don't know what we're gonna do...)

Meanwhile, Yamazaki realized that Majima is still breathing, so he's going to try to do something about it, starting with popping his remaining eye with his thumb. Fortunately, before that happens, Kiryu kicks him to the ground, jumps on top of him, and starts punching him in the face. Terry, on the other hand, just pulled off a combo on Billy, finishing with a Burn Knuckle that sent him right into Saejima's arms. Meanwhile, Joe has Rhino about 10 meters away:

* Joe: SCREW UPPER (SDM)!

And off he goes! Yamazaki just managed to get Kiryu off him with a knee to the nuts, but then Ryo hits him with the Ryuuko Ranbu, starting a new onslaught of punches. Saejima grabs Billy by one leg and flips him several times before throwing him against the wall. It was at that moment when he heard Terry expressing concern for his well-being:

* Terry: Are you ok?

* Billy: N-no.

* Terry: BUSTER WOLF!

Second hit against the wall as a result of the energy punch that knocks Billy down, after which Saejima steps on his head against the ground, and he doesn't get back up. Meanwhile, Ryo cancels the Ryuuko Ranbu, catching Yamazaki on the rebound with a Shin Tenchi Haohken that knocks him out. And then came Rhino, making a tremendous crater in the ground:

* Rhino (getting up and looking at Billy and Yamazaki): WOW, look at these two. Gonna spend on band-aids all the money Geese pays them.

* Joe (falling to his knees): sh*t, it didn't work! How the hell do you stop this guy?!?

And at that moment, the lights went out throughout the shopping mall. When they come back on after 15 seconds, Rhino is lying on the ground motionless, and next to him is a guy with a cape and a mask with horns:

* Grant: You just had to break a bag of Sarin gas under his nose.

* Kiryu: Wait a moment, who are you?!?

* Terry: And what have you done to the Rhino, did you kill him?!?

* Grant: No, against all odds, it seems he's still breathing. And my identity doesn't matter, what matters...

At this point, a dozen American mobsters appear, aiming automatic weapons at our friends:

* Grant: ...is that you guys are going to die here and now.

* Terry: Yeah, right! As if we're going to stand by and do nothing!

But how are they going to stop it? SNK's Batman has been observing them from the shadows for quite some time, patiently waiting for the two sides to tear each other apart. And now Majima, Billy, Yamazaki are unconscious, Rhino apparently in a coma, Kiryu half bleeding out, Terry a mess after almost non-stop fighting for two episodes, and Joe can't even stand. Ryo and Saejima are in better shape, but perhaps too tired to face another crew of people who have just started shooting at them:

*RATATAATATATAATATATATATATATA!*

* Saejima: Oi, you got any change for the energy drink vending machine?

* Ryo: What are you saying, those are terrible for your health! That's why yakuza die young.

Ryo comments without a hint of irony while the two run towards the enemy in a suicidal manner, the former dodging shots as best as he can and the latter... well, Saejima is taking a few bullets. But it's no big deal because his health bar is more than double the normal, and he seems possessed by the Rhino's Essence, charging and knocking down three guys in his way and tossing the fourth one into the air. Meanwhile, Ryo runs close enough to jump onto the nearest mobster, rendering him unconscious with a karate strike (Mou Ko Rai Jin Setsu), after which he starts handing out punches non-stop to those around him. Which gives Terry and Kiryu the opportunity to face Grant:

* Terry: You're from the Second South mafia, right? The ones who want to secede and turn the city into a crappy dystopia?

* Grant: You mean into a world worth living in!

Surprisingly fast for his bulk, Grant charges at Terry with a burst of super-speed and throws him a few meters away. Kiryu tries to approach him to start a combo, but Grant easily brushes him off with a short-range Kokuenryuu (an energy projectile):

* Grant: What's wrong with you, Wolf? You just don't understand. And I don't have time to explain it to you now.

* Terry (getting up): Funny, Billy told me a while ago that if I played the hero, you guys would end up taking the bomb.

* Grant: And that's exactly what's about to happen.

Terry jumped trying to kick him in the head, but Grant saw it coming and performed a Kyouchoujin (fortunately, the CRYSTA Nagahori has high ceilings) followed by an energy kick. At that moment, something must have happened because a couple of explosions were heard, and the gangsters became quite nervous:

* Mobster 1: Hey, someone is coming down the hallway...Gun them down!

WOW, two specialists in facing entire armies on their own have just arrived, Ralf and Leona! Armed with machine guns, throwing grenades all over the place, and using the mall's columns as temporary cover against bullets, they had no problem sweeping all of Grant's henchmen in their path and getting here:

* Ralf: sh*t, kicking those two thugs off the bus was a bad idea! The Marines are always saying not to leave anyone behind, and now I understand why.

* Leona (shooting): The field trip itself was a bad idea, Colonel.

At this point, Terry managed to catch Grant off guard by getting up from the ground with a Power Dunk, then blocking an overhead kick and hitting him with a couple of punches followed by a Power Charge and another Power Dunk. Grant gets up with the intention to counterattack, but then his cellphone rang:

* Grant: Hold on, the phone. [Answering]: Kain? You catch me in the middle of a fight, you know?

* Kain (over the phone): Abel, drop everything you're doing and get out of there. Abort the mission.

* Grant (also over the phone): But...

* Kain: It's 6 in the morning in Osaka, and it's been daylight for a while. There's a State of Emergency, and Self-Defense Force patrols are everywhere. If you haven't secured the bomb by now, it's too late.

* Grant: But we already have it, we just need to deal with a few guys! Well, and bring a forklift to load it onto the truck.

* Kain: Just the last part will take you at least half an hour, and you don't have that much time. I'll say it again, abort the mission. Let's cut our losses while we still can.

Grant doesn't seem very convinced, but he looks around and sees that he's alone because his men have either been knocked unconscious by a beating between Ryo and Saejima or shot to pieces by the Ikari Warriors. So, he decides to escape through the nearest exit, not without looking at Terry and saying:

* Grant: We'll meet again, Wolf.

Terry might have wanted to chase him, but he's too exhausted. And once all the confrontation is over and peace finally reigns:

* Ralf (looking around): Phew! Quite a mess here, huh?

* Ryo: You don't know the half of it.

* Ralf: Are these guys who look like Yakuza also bad guys?

* Joe: Nope, they're half NGO, half superheroes.

* Saejima (bleeding all over): Nani?

*Terry: Please, speak to them in Japanese instead of English or they won't understand.

* Leona (in Japanese): Excuse me, you seem to have at least 6 gunshot wounds to the chest; do you think you'll need medical assistance?

* Saejima: Nah. Or well, maybe later, but there's no rush.

* Kiryu (helping Joe up): Are we not going to have to fight these military guys too?

* Joe: Nah, they're the Ikari Warriors...Hey, don't give me that look, this time they're the real deal!

* Kiryu: Well, then I'm glad it's all over.

But then unexpectedly, a barrage of 50 explosive arrows fell upon our friends (fortunately causing not much damage):

* Moon Jin-Sang (from the forklift): It's not over, you idiots! You forgot about me!

Uh oh, inexplicably despite the head trauma and all the blood loss, Moon Jin-Sang is still alive and ready to prolong the end of this story arc for at least a couple more hours, as is usual in the Ryu Ga Gotoku games. What he doesn't know is that behind him is the "damsel in distress" of the franchise pointing a gun at him:

* Daigo: They might have, but I haven't.

*BLAM!*

Thank goodness the only main character who can kill people (since he's non-playable) has showed up and put an end to this loop! Close-up shot of Moon Jin-Sang's brains sliding down the cabin glass, and we move on to the Epilogue...

* Joe (limping): Don't blame yourself, man, in the end, the field trip wasn't so bad. And we even met some really cool people.

* Ralf: Who, those yakuza guys? Too bad they didn't want to stick around and and say hi to the police, anyone would think they're on the wanted list.

* Terry: Speaking of people on the wanted list, what about the Rhino? 'cause if you take him to a regular hospital...

* Leona: Don't worry, he's in one of our trucks and woke up a while ago.

* Ralf: That guy is so tough they break a Sarin gas bag in his face, and he just faints. It's incredible!

* Ryo: Well, thank goodness you showed up around here, or we would have had problems with the police too. Although what I don't understand is who tipped you off.

* Hyena: I did.

* Joe: You?

* Hyena: Yeah, what's the matter? There were four mobs fighting over a nuclear bomb. In situations like this, my manliness doesn't suffer from asking the Ikari Warriors for help.

* Leona: That's what you should have done from the beginning, Terry.

* Terry: Heh, well, maybe you're right.

* Joe (counting on his fingers): Wait, Second South's mafia, Geese's, the Jingweon... And what was the fourth?

* Hyena: Patriarch Kobayashi's. I ran into him wandering around CRYSTA Nagahori a while ago, but I played dead and knocked him out with one punch, that's why you didn't see him.

* Terry: Yeah, and how did everyone find out we were at CRYSTA Nagahori, I wonder?

* Hyena: Well, that was also my doing. My original plan was to gather all of you looking for the bomb in the same place so you'd kill each other and leave me alone, but in the end, everything turned out fantastic, don't you think?

* Ryo: *Sighh* Sure, Hyena, that's one way to look at it. Although, I think you're a bit of a bastard.

* Yamazaki: Hey, dipsh*ts, when are you gonna take these garbage bags off our heads?

* Billy: And the chains on our hands and feet while you're at it?

* Ralf: What's the matter, you want me to shock you again with the taser? Shut up and get on the bus!

* Billy: Just so you know, Mr. Geese had nothing to do with this and we acted on our own, okay?

* Leona: Yeah, we know. Geese wouldn't be stupid enough to send you two alone to steal a nuclear bomb because Geese is no fool.

* Yamazaki: And we are?! Damn it, cousin!

* Billy: Doen't matter, as long as it doesn't cause any problems for Mr. Geese, I don't mind spending the next 80 years in prison.

* Yamazaki: Don't worry; in Japan, we have the Death Penalty.

* Ralf: Leona, help them get on the bus; they can't see where they're going. The rest of you, start getting on too. Terry, you're driving.

* Terry: Again? I know I look like a trucker, but what if I tell you I've never driven a truck in my life?

* Ralf: I don't care; this is a bus. You're driving anyway.

* Terry: Ok, ok! Oh, hey, Chris, didn't see you there. You've calmed down now?

* Chris (with an angelic smile): Me? I've never been more calm in my life.

So a couple of minutes later, on the bus driven by Terry:

* Takuma: This is outrageous! After the mess they caused, you're just taking these two back to the hotel as if nothing happened!

* Choi: I'm sure they've taken fewer kicks in the ass than Master Kim gave us!

Naturally, those voices sound familiar to the members of Team South Town, and it seems they are talking about them (and they're not wrong):

* Yamazaki: Wait, are we on the KOF bus?! And we're going back to the hotel?

* Leona: Yes, where did you think we were taking you?

* Billy: To Guantanamo! Well, if we're going back to the hotel why don't you take these bags off our heads?

* Ralf: Honestly? Because I've f*cking had enough of you two.

* Leona: Look, we'd love to take you somewhere like Guantanamo and throw away the key. But we'll have to cover up what happened because if the authorities find out that two fighters from KOF stole an atomic bomb, they'd probably ban the tournament forever.

* Kaphwan: And that wouldn't be a good thing? From a global security perspective, I mean.

* Ralf: No, quite the opposite! Without KOF, there would still be NESTS, Those From the Past, Verse, and all sorts of nasty things.

* Leona: Besides, according to the yakuza, if these two hadn't stolen the bomb from the Jingweon, things would have been much worse, they probably averted a catastrophe. So what we're going to tell the media is that some heroes from KOF helped us recover a nuclear device that was in the hands of a terrorist cell.

* Yamazaki: WOW, so are they gonna give us money and a medal? Are you hearing this, Billy?

* Billy: When my sister finds out, she's gonna be amazed!

* Leona: Anonymous heroes, of course. Because criminals with as many records as you don't look photogenic on TV.

* Yamazaki: Tsk, damn it all!

And with this, we conclude the longest episode and the most complex storyline I think I've ever written in my life. From the next one onwards, we return to the usual jokes and silliness.

Chapter 20: Possible Amakusa Sighting. The gang reunites again

Chapter Text

We begin today's episode at the Ikari Warriors' Security Center in the Ritz-Carlton Osaka, a few hours later:

* Electro: So Billy and Yamazaki steal a nuclear bomb and WE are the ones getting punished?!?

* Ralf: Serves you right for being fools. And for hanging out with the cream of the crop from KOF.

* Leona: Don't worry, Geese has probably punished them too.

* Dr. Light: No, he hasn't. We know because they were here a while ago bragging that they made a ton of money at the slots last night, took out a bunch of terrorists, survived a drone attack, and are "big damn f*ckin' unsung heroes" who saved us all from a nuclear disaster. *Sighh* And the worst part is that the Rhino says it's true...

* Rhino: 'Cause it's true. Not sure 'bout the slots thing, though.

* Electro: Then they gave me this third-hand bulletproof vest. They said if we're dumb enough to have our powers taken away we'll need all the help we can get.

* Rhino: Then they started f*cking with the AC. Billy wanted it at 54 degrees and the other one told him to turn it off, that 95 degrees is fine. So, they started fighting and we had to kick 'em outta here.

* Ralf: But you shouldn't let them in at all! What part of this being a restricted area don't you understand?

* Leona: At least you told Billy we have a meeting today, right?

* Electro: Yeah, but he says he's fed up with taking orders from you, and if Amakusa shows up we should send him a WhatsApp.

* Ralf: How resentful. That's probably because we tased him earlier.

* Leona: No, Colonel, it's because he's back with the Howard Connection. His motivation to help us is zero, always has been.

* Dr. Light: Relax, we'll talk to him later. But about today's meeting, you said you got a lead, is it any good?

* Leona: I'm not sure, Light. And besides, it poses an ethical problem.

* Dr. Light: Again? Babe, ethical problems slow us down a lot! And on top of that the people we usually face don't have them.

* Leona: The 'people we usually face' are practically anyone who crosses our path, and there's a mix. Or maybe you're referring to D&M?

* Electro: Dunno about you, but I don't even consider those bastards 'people.' By the way, Artie, you were following them on TV, how did they do in Carmageddon?

* Dr. Light: Pffft! Oh boy, I can't stop laughing... They got disqualified!

* Electro: Why, for killing people?

* Dr. Light: Nah, that's allowed in Carmageddon; For getting out of the car, which I specifically told them not to.

* Leona: It's incredible how easily you get along with our archenemies, right? A sentiment absolutely no one else in the group shares, by the way.

* Dr. Light: They're only our archenemies because, unlike the rest of our enemies, we can't slaughter them. Which is precisely why it's better to get along with them.

* Leona: A psychopathic supervillain's logic, I love it. Don't use it all up now, save some for when the meeting starts.

So the rest of the day goes by without major incidents (once the bomb was secured, the Japanese authorities lifted the State of Emergency, although the media will keep harping on about it for some time). And now, at 9 PM, on the hotel rooftop:

* Leona: Is everyone here? Good, then help the supervillains set up the folding chairs, and let's get started.

* Dr. Light (setting up chairs): Look at what we've come to, doing menial tasks...

* Kaphwan: ...Which you should be doing it at super speed, man, put in more effort!

* Leona: They can't, their collars are activated until further notice. The Rhino for joining the "alternate field trip," and the others for helping him escape from the hotel.

* Galford: What I don't understand is why we have to hide like we're doing something wrong.

* Terry: 'cause we're many fighters from different teams, and if they see us together they'll think we're fixing KOF.

* Takuma: Yeah, but did it have to be on the roof? As if we were Japanese high school kids?

* Shingo: That would be in your times, Master Sakazaki. Now it's strictly forbidden.

* Kyo: Yeah, 'cause kids jump off 'cause of grades or something... Pffft, can you believe it?

* Terry: I like it, now that it's nighttime, it's cool, and it feels great. We have to enjoy the good things in life, Mr. Takuma.

* Haohmaru: You said it! Hey, I brought sake, want some? Although I know you prefer beer and whiskey.

* Jubei: Don't start drinking, Miss Leona didn't bring us for that. We have an important matter to discuss.

* Kyo (looking around): Where's Billy? In the slammer for what happened last night?

* Rhino: He says he's not comin'.

* Kyo: Yeah, right! I've been trying to get out of this Amakusa crap from the beginning and I haven't managed, there's no way he's getting out of it!

* Kaphwan: Kyo, where are you going?

* Kyo (leaving): Just give me a second, don't start yet.

So 10 minutes later, Kyo entered Geese's main suite only to find the man himself accompanied by Billy, Yamazaki, Hein, Ripper, and Hopper all dressed in hakamas, sitting on a kind of tatami and performing the Tea Ceremony. That's when a weird conversation in Japanese took place (because this is the Howard Connection's top brass and everyone here speaks Japanese, of course):

* Kyo: I... can't... believe it!

* Yamazaki: You can't believe it? How do you think I feel? A buncha white guys are forcing me to do Japanese stuff from who knows when!

* Billy: Shut up, Yamazaki! Be thankful we invited a freak like you, just like Luca Brasi in The Godfather movie!

* Yamazaki: Wanna eat the bowl and the bamboo spoon? I shouldn't even be here, it's just that Geese has a mess in his head and doesn't know whether to punish us or not!

* Geese: Silence, both of you! What are you doing here, Kusanagi? And how come the guards let you in?

* Kyo: They didn't want to, so I had to give them a little beating.

* Billy (enraged): Who do you think you are, motherf*cker? You can't just come in here like that!

* Kyo: Take it easy. I'm not here to talk to you, I'm here to talk to your boss. Talking to you is pointless.

* Geese: Sit down, Billy. [To Kyo]: And you, sit down too; we'll serve you some tea.

* Kyo (sitting down): No, I'll take a Coca Cola, thanks.

* Yamazaki: Pffft!

* Geese: Hmph. Kusanagi, what do you want? You would already be at the bottom of Osaka Bay if you weren't the captain of Team Japan.

* Kyo: Let me put it this way... Remember last year when you lent us your bodyguard for a very important mission to save the world?

* Billy: Again with this? Haven't I told ya to send me a Whatsapp?

Kyo completely ignores that comment and continues addressing Geese only:

* Kyo: But in the end we didn't save sh*t, so we need you to lend him to us again.

* Geese: Sure, it was predictable. Too bad Billy has had too many vacations and won't have more until 2040.

* Billy: Well said, boss!

* Kyo: We haven't been on vacation, okay? We've had to constantly fight for our lives, it's just that we had bad luck.

* Geese: So? That's not my problem.

* Kyo: If Amakusa ends up destroying the world, it will be. Besides, I'm not saying you should lend him to us all the time, just occasionally and until KOF is over.

* Geese: What do you say, Billy? Do you want to go with them?

* Billy: Of course not! Sir, don't you see that in the middle of the Tea Ceremony this bloke goes and asks for a Coca Cola? These people have no respect for anything!

* Kyo: Hey, you kicked my TV one day the Arsenal lost, who are you to criticize people? Look, Geese, we've had to feed him, give him drinks and cigarettes, and contrary to what people believe, he smokes quite a bit. He's spent a lot, but has contributed very little to the mission.

* Billy: Oh yeah, you f*cking brat? Who won Takeshi's Castle and got the first Palenke Stone?

* Kyo: That doesn't count; you only did it because your sister and the Hawakone [="The Howard Connection"] guys were watching you on TV.

* Billy: And who jumped into the Matrix to rescue the supervillains?

* Kyo: Because you like them, which is quite a feat. If it had been anyone else, you wouldn't have lifted a finger.

* Billy: And who came up with the idea to trick Krauser into organizing KOF for us?

* Kyo: Because it was the only way to reunite with your mob buddies and your beloved boss! As you can see, Geese, he has to compensate us because he's been selfish all the time.

* Geese: Who, Billy? He's the least selfish person I know.

* Kyo: Okay, maybe "selfish" is not the right word. But clearly he does his own thing, and our mission doesn't matter a damn to him.

* Geese: I see. Maybe if you gave him more leeway and let him do things his way...

* Billy: Yeah, 'cause having to follow these arseholes' orders to the letter... Wait a minute, are you saying you want me to go back with them?!?

* Geese: Let's be clear! I haven't taken action against you two for last night because apparently, you prevented a catastrophe. But your behavior has been that of two reckless numbskulls, and obviously, you deserve punishment.

* Billy: But boss...!

* Geese: So, yes, Kusanagi, you can take him. And you can also take Yamazaki as a bonus.

* Yamazaki: What the f*ck...?!?

* Kyo: No, thanks, we have enough crazies already. [To Billy]: C'mon, let's go; we're running late.

And back on the rooftop, where Terry and Haohmaru have been drinking sake for a while:

* Haohmaru: So you guys spent the whole night fighting yesterday? Damn, if I had known I would've joined the field trip.

* Terry: It was good, the only tough part was that we couldn't beat the Rhino.

* Haohmaru: Makes sense, he's like Gaoh but with the demon armor all the time...Hey Rhino, when are we gonna have a fight to the death?

* Rhino: To the death? C'mon, you're my buddy!

* Haohmaru: And what does that have to do with anything? Either things are done right or they're not done at all.

* Kyo (entering): Well, Billy is here. Don't make fun of him for dressing like that, today was the day to dress up as a Japanese at the Howard Connection.

* Billy (same): Hello again, you bastards...What, having a rooftop drinking party like a bunch of hobos?

* Leona: Hello, double agent with objectives very different from the group's. Glad to have you back, sit down, we're about to start.

* Billy: Before that, I have a question for you, who know about those things...Who sent the drone?

* Terry: Yeah, I'd like to know too. Because the news is overlooking it, but they almost blew up half of Osaka.

* Leona: I wish I could answer that, I guess we'll have to wait until they declassify documents in 50 years.

* Terry: You don't know either? But you must have an opinion, right?

* Billy: Yamazaki, who acts like a know-it-all 'cause he's an arms dealer, says that not just anyone has that technology. That it has to be NESTS or Shadaloo.

* Leona: Well, considering it was a drone of American manufacture, it needs a relatively close control station in a country like Japan full of U.S. military bases, and the explosion of a North Korean nuclear bomb on Japanese territory would surely provoke a war that could benefit the U.S. military-industrial complex...

* Billy: Get to the point, lady, me and the bum never went to school!

* Leona: ((Yeah, why bother?)) Putin. I think it was Putin.

* Terry: Putin? Hah, I knew it, man!

* Billy: That son of a bitch Putin!

So, once that point is clarified (?), the meeting begins:

* Leona: Alright, you all know that during our journey last year, we all grew a lot as individuals, but we also made a lot of enemies and even some allies (very few).

* Terry: And yesterday we got some new ones, you know? Those guys from the Tojo Clan.

* Leona: More outlaws? Fantastic. Anyway, as I was saying, one of those allies was the police officers from the Kameari Park precinct (at Katsushika district), do you remember them?

* Shingo: Yes, but couldn't we give them a nickname to shorten it? I don't know, like "Kochikame"?

* Hanzo: I remember that thanks to some information from them was when we were closest to finding Amakusa.

* Leona: Okay, so this morning I received more info. About a kid who lives in a remote village in Japan and has strange powers.

* Charlotte: Strange? What kind?

* Leona: Apparently, he's either a very powerful sorcerer who can cast curses from a distance or he's a Reality Warper. Oh, and he can also resurrect the dead.

* Electro: WHAT?!? Damn, that's creepy!

* Kyo: Max, haven't you resurrected several times already?

* Electro: Sure, like any supervillain... Does that make it less creepy or what?

* Jubei: We need to investigate that kid as soon as possible because he has a good chance of being Amakusa.

* Leona: Yes, that's what the people from Kameari thought. Although who knows, it could also be all lies.

* Dr. Light: Coming from that cop with the models, I wouldn't trust it.

* Leona: It's not him who called me, it was Reiko. Well, since we can't be sure, we should send someone to the village to check... Any volunteers?

* Terry: Well, I usually get along well with kids. And who knows, maybe it turns out that he's not so bad after all.

* Kaphwan: And if there's any way to rehabilitate the kid we should try to save him.

* Galford: He killed his parents, Kim. He's beyond redemption.

* Kaphwan: Don't say that; no one is beyond redemption! "Hate the sin and pity the sinner"!

* Charlotte: Humans are naturally good, it's always external factors that turn them evil.

* Haohmaru: Whoa, Charlotte, those are very modern ideas that I can't figure out where you got them... Did you come up with them on your own or what?

* Charlotte: Well, actually...

* Dr. Light: No, you hick, the thing is that the girl has read Rousseau. Because while you guys were dealing with shoguns, famines and sh*t like that, they were in the French Revolution.

Light didn't mean ill, but the samurais are from an era where respect was paramount so Haohmaru and Jubei immediately unsheath their katanas:

* Haohmaru: Hey, Raito, we didn't need that "hick" remark!

* Jubei: And insulting the shogun too!

* Charlotte: Just shut up and let me explain things, no one asked for your input!

* Dr. Light: Ok, ok, I humbly apologize! Damn, you guys are too touchy, aren't you?

* Haohmaru: Look, I know I'm just a barely educated village ronin, but do you really agree with those ideas? Because it doesn't suit you.

* Dr. Light: Nah, I think all that stuff is feel-good crap, like Body Positivity or Democracy.

* Charlotte: What are you saying, that Rousseau's theories and Democracy are feel-good crap? According to you, is the Revolution we're having in France for nothing?

* Dr. Light: So that the rich can rule instead of kings... And don't ask me more, I don't want to spoil it for you!

* Takuma: Light, stop talking about these things! Or do you want Charlotte to go back to her time and change the History of France?

* Haohmaru: Charlotte? The History of France? But she spends her life in Japan.

* Shingo: Never mind that, Mr. Haohmaru, there are things you people shouldn't know. So when you're curious about something you better ask Kusanagi-san.

* Kyo: The French Revolution is what was on TV the other day when they were burning cars, right? Or was that in Ukraine?

* Hanzo: You're forgetting two important things: One, the kid didn't turn evil, he's possessed. And two, he's my descendant, so I decide. And what I decide is that if he's really Amakusa, we kill him.

* Terry: Damn it, Hanzo...

* Galford: But he's right, isn't he? If Amakusa has possessed him, we can't do anything else.

* Dr. Light: Moreover, we shouldn't even investigate it. Let's go there and just kill the kid; if he's Amakusa, fine, and if he's not, fine too.

* Billy: At least we'd be doing a favor to his family, not to mention the people in the village.

* Genjuro: I'm with Raito, that's the best and quickest solution.

* Kyo: What about you, Ukyo? Say something, damn it, you never say anything!

* Ukyo: ...

* Jubei: Don't be rude. Tachibana-dono has to save his strength because he doesn't have much time left.

* Electro: He doesn't have much time left because he refuses to see a doctor, we've told him tuberculosis can be cured time and again.

* Ukyo: In the meeting. Shadows lurk without peace. Wounds in the soul.

* Takuma: He says we're bullying him. Or at least that's what I think he says, when he starts talking in haikus I can barely understand him.

* Leona: Well, before we start debating whether we permanently eliminate a child of whom we have so little information, we need to investigate. Terry, get ready for the mission and when you're ready, Light will teleport you to f*ckazawa.

* Terry: All right!

* Kyo: Wait, you said f*ckazawa? As in rural Japan?

* Leona: Yes.

* Kyo: Leona, the only Americans they've seen there are on TV! We can't send a blond, blue-eyed gaijin over there, they'd freak out.

* Leona: It's true that it would attract attention. I guess we'll have to find him a job...

* Terry: Hey, wait a second!

* Leona: It's just a cover to investigate the village, Terry. Don't be afraid.

* Billy: Yeah, 'cause you can't just go there and start f*cking around... or can you?

* Terry: Why not? According to you, that's what I do all the t... Oh, okay, I didn't catch the irony.

* Shingo: I've got it! In Japan, there's the perfect job for a piss-poor foreign... I mean, for North American citizens like you! And that job is... being an English teacher!

* Terry: Are you sure? Don't you have to have gone to school to be a teacher?

* Kyo: C'mon, Terry! You speak English and Japanese, you're overqualified for the job.

Chapter 21: Soichi's Selfless Sacrifices (Part I)

Chapter Text

We begin this episode the next day in the morning at a bus stop in rural Japan, where Terry (without his cap and jacket to better blend in) and his partners are about to embark on their undercover mission:

* Dr. Light: Ok, Terry, you know what to do: Get on the bus and when it stops at f*ckazawa, get off and start looking for the kid.

* Shingo: His name is Soichi Tsujii and he's around 12 years old... Wait a minute, that doesn't match with Amakusa, does it?

* Dr. Light: According to the samurais, age doesn't matter; what matters is whether he's an orphan or not. He killed his parents, remember?

* Terry: What about the cover Leona mentioned? 'cause I have no idea how this English teacher thing works...

* Shingo: Nothing to worry about; you take a stroll around the school's surroundings (there'll only be one school), and as soon as they see you you'll get hired.

* Terry: What do you mean, they're gonna hire me...

* Dr. Light: It's when you get paid for doing the same job for some time, man.

* Terry: Yeah, Artie, I know what "hire" means; it has never happened to me but I have friends who've been through it. What I'm saying is, it seems odd they'll hire me on the spot.

* Shingo: Just wait and see, foreigners in Japan live life on Easy Mode. Your only concern should be not getting too annoyed by the hicks from that village.

* Terry: Why would I? I don't think they're worse than the ones in North America.

* Shingo: Sure, but be prepared for them to stare at you with wide-open eyes and say, "ohhh, a foreigner!"

* Terry: Shingo, buddy, I don't consider you a liar, but it seems like you're making up some stories today...

* Dr. Light: Yeah, he's starting to sound a bit racist to me. Anyway, Terry, here comes the bus. If you need anything, don't hesitate to let us know, okay?

* Shingo: Please, don't do like the other day and try to solve everything on your own. Remember we're a team.

So while the other two bid him farewell before teleporting back to the hotel, Terry boards the bus headed for f*ckazawa to begin his investigation:

* Bus Driver (with wide-open eyes): Ohhh, a foreigner!

* Terry: Oh, c'mon, gimme a break!

Meanwhile, in Osaka, a disoriented Chizuru has just staggered into the hotel restaurant where some fighters are having breakfast:

* Chizuru: ...

* Kensou: Hey, Miss Kagura, are you okay?

* Andy: You look terrible, why don't you sit down for a while?

* Chizuru (sitting on his knees): Sure, why not?

* Mai: ANDY, WHAT THE f*ck DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!? And what about you, slu*t? Do you want to die?

* Chizuru: I don't know, whatever you say.

* Mai: GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND'S KNEES IMMEDIATELY!

Faced with Mai's almost unleashed anger (who is about to unleash a barrage of thermobaric fans), Chizuru hasn't taken even half a second to get up. But by now, her unusual behavior has caught the attention of the other fighters, who gather around to see what's going on:

* King: Mai, take it easy! Stop yelling like that, can't you see she's not acting normal?

* Shun'ei: Yeah, something seems off. Did she hit her head or something?

Confusion was starting to reign when Mature and Vice approached her with mischievous intentions:

* Mature: Hey, Kagura, would you like to have a threesome with us?

* Chizuru: Yes.

* Vice: And wouldn't it be cool if Orochi destroyed humanity with some virus like the one from Crossed?

* Chizuru: I don't get your geeky references, but yes.

* Vice (laughing her ass off): Heheheh, look at her, she's high as a kite on Burundanga... I bet she got raped!

* Mature: That's what happens when you stay in a hotel full of scumbags.

* Benimaru: I hate to agree with these two, but it looks like what they're saying might be true.

* King: And how would you know? How people act when they're drugged with Burundanga, I mean?

* Benimaru: Because I'm a well-informed guy who watches documentaries, what are you insinuating?!? Enough nonsense, someone go bring the hotel security.

Naturally, there's going to be a commotion once it gets out that one of the tournament organizers has been drugged. But for now, let's go back to Terry as he sips a can of beer while sitting in front of the only school in f*ckazawa:

* Teacher 1: Ohhh, a foreigner! Please, treat him with respect and don't take pictures of him with your phones.

* Teacher 2: Excuse us, we've never seen you around here before. Is this your first time visiting our town?

* Terry: Hai.

* Teacher 3: And what a command of the Japanese language, it's incredible! If you also can speak English that would be the cherry on top.

* Terry: Of course I can speak English, I'm American. English is what I speak most of the time.

* Teacher 4: WOW, did you hear that, principal? We did well to stop classes and come down to the street to get a closer look at the foreigner.

* Principal: Yes, undoubtedly it was a good idea. [To Terry]: Listen, would you be interested in working at our school as an English teacher?

* Terry: Well, the truth is, I just arrived in town and don't have a job yet... When would I start?

* Principal: What do you mean when? You start RIGHT NOW! Come with me, we'll sign the contract so you can start teaching immediately.

So, 20 minutes later and in classroom 6-1:

* Kids (in unison): Ohhh, a foreigner!

* Head Teacher: Silence, don't be rude! Greet your new assistant English teacher, Mr. John Smith.

* Kids (in unison): Good morning, Yonsumitsu-sensei!

* Terry: (Okay, the pronunciation is a bit off, but for now, everything is going smoothly. I wonder where the kid we're looking for is...)

Little does our friend know, but seated at the back is a kid with impressive dark circles around his eyes, as pale as a ghost and sucking on nails as if they were candies:

* Soichi (muttering): Look at all the stupid girls in my class fawning over the foreigner, how shameful. If he keeps stealing the spotlight I'll have to teach him a lesson.

* Head Teacher: Soichi, be quiet, we're in class! Don't interrupt on the one day you decide to come!

* Soichi: (Am I getting scolded because of the gaijin? I'll curse him! I'll curse him!)

* Terry: (Is that Soichi?!?) Hey, is it just me, or is that kid sucking on nails?

* Head Teacher: Yes, well, he says he lacks iron and we've given up on him. [Passing him a textbook]: Pay no attention to him and please read the first paragraph on page 62, okay?

* Terry (reading): "Long long ago, there were a man who try to make his skills ultimate"... Hey, this is wrong, you know? That sentence doesn't make any sense.

* Head Teacher: But it's in the book.

* Terry: But it's wrong.

* Head Teacher: But it's in the book!

* Terry: Okay, fine, let's continue: "Because of his bloody life, it's no accident that he was involved in the troubles."

At this point, Terry has realized that the kids are going to learn sh*tty Engrish but he can't do anything about it because in Japan you have to teach exactly what's in the textbook, and his superior has entered a loop. So he continues reading, although he can't help but glance at Soichi from time to time and just saw him take a nail out of his mouth and use it to poke a straw doll:

* Terry (reading): "Victoly! Don't be hate full each other. Love is the best strength."

* Head Teacher (holding his stomach): Ughh! W-well, it seems I need to step out for a moment, I think my stomach has loosened up. Please continue with the class.

So once the teacher leaves the classroom:

* Terry: (Am I dreaming, or did that kid just voodoo the teacher? Nah, it gotta be a coincidence.)

* Girl 1: Yonsumitsu-sensei, Yonsumitsu-sensei, which part of the USA are you from?

* Girl 2: Do you have a girlfriend? Or maybe you're married?

* Soichi (muttering): Blah blah blah, these nosy brats... One day something bad is going to happen to them for being so curious!

* Terry: Were you saying something, kid? Yeah, you in the back.

* Soichi: Nothing, just don't pay attention to my classmates when they ask such uninteresting questions. I could ask you interesting things, though. Like, for example, how did your father die?

* Terry (astonished): What did you say?!?

At that moment, the class representative, a kid named Wakayama who has more than enough reasons to be fed up with Soichi, intervened:

* Wakayama: What's wrong with you? How could you ask such things? Behave yourself with Yonsumitsu-sensei or I'll tell the teacher!

* Girl 3: You shouldn't pay attention to Soichi, he's a very weird and sinister guy!

Soichi doesn't respond to that; he just smiles at her and spits out three nails that embed themselves in the wall (he didn't throw them at Wakayama because Wakayama would have punched him):

* Terry: Hey, what are you doing throwing nails at your classmates? Can't you see it's dangerous? When the classes are over I wanna talk to your parents or legal guardians or whatever.

* Soichi: Oh, come on, you can't do that! You're not even a real teacher...

* Terry: (Damn, how did he know? Is he a mind reader or something?!?)

* Soichi: You're the English guy, I bet they only hired you because you're a gaijin! Foreigners in Japan live life on Easy Mode.

* Terry: ((Oh, okay, that must be folk wisdom then)) I don't care, I'm still gonna talk to your parents. So wait for me after school, okay?

Needless to say, Soichi isn't going to wait for him because taking orders is not his thing, so Terry will have to find his house by other means. So while our friend checks the list of students to find his address (using Google Translate because he speaks Japanese but can't read kanji), let's conclude today's episode at the Security Center of the Ikari Warriors in the Ritz-Carlton Osaka:

* Ralf (entering): Alright, listen to what just happened: Chizuru came to visit us, but someone intercepted her and drugged her with Burundanga.

* Clark: Light!

* Dr. Light: It wasn't me, damnit! You just heard the news and didn't take even a millisecond to think it was me!

* Leona: It couldn't have been him, Lieutenant. He's been here all morning except for the moment he teleported Terry, and he was with Shingo.

* Ralf: So we can't give this mystery the most obvious answer? sh*t, now we'll have to investigate it!

* Electro: And is that a big deal?

* Clark: Dillon, if we liked deductive reasoning we wouldn't be mercenaries. Because we would have deduced that we can be killed.

* Ralf (to the supervillains): Have any of you seen anything on the hotel's security cameras?

* Dr. Light: Weeell...

* Clark: Not you, Light, you're still a suspect until proven otherwise. We're asking your buddies.

* Rhino: Well, truth is, no, we saw Chizuru when she entered, and that's it. There ain't cameras everywhere, y'know?

* Electro: Hey, wasn't Terry's girlfriend a detective? Why don't you ask her to investigate?

* Ralf: Hmmm, that doesn't sound like a bad idea, actually...

Chapter 22: Soichi's Selfless Sacrifices (Part II)

Chapter Text

Today's episode begins in the garden of a rural Japanese house, where an elderly man diligently hammers nails into a wooden coffin:

* Terry (from outside): Excuse me, does the Tsujii family live here?

The old man doesn't even respond; he just gives Terry a cadaverous look while drool drips from the corner of his mouth, then goes back to his task.

* Terry: (Okay, I'm not saying that man is a zombie, but he sure looks like, moves and acts like a zombie. And Leona mentioned something about the kid being able to resurrect the dead, right?)

Just then, a middle-aged woman emerged from the house, thankfully looking entirely normal and not saying anything inappropriate upon seeing a gaijin (she only thought it):

* Misako: ((Ohhh, a foreigneeer!)) Good afternoon, are you looking for the Tsujii family? That's us.

* Terry: Good afternoon, ma'am. My name is John Smith, and I'm a teacher at Soichi's school. Could I speak with his parents or whoever is in charge?

* Misako: *Sighh* What has he done now? [Opening the door]: Nice to meet you, I'm Misako, Soichi's mother. Come in, I'll make you some tea.

* Terry: Hey, is that coffin guy okay? I tried talking to him, but he didn't respond...

* Misako: Excuse my father-in-law. Since he had that catalepsy, he hasn't been the same.

* Terry: Catalepsy, you say?

* Misako: Yes, can you believe he narrowly escaped the crematorium? Odd, isn't it?

And here our friend is thinking, "That guy is more dead than a doornail!" but we're in Junji Ito's territory, where the bizarre is normalized to incomprehensible extremes. So, a few minutes later, inside the house, sitting on the tatami and sipping tea:

* Misako: So he's been spitting nails again? I really don't know what to do with this kid.

* Terry: Excuse me for asking, but is he adopted? Because, you know, sometimes orphans exhibit strange behaviors due to trauma and such...

"Bullsh*t, I'm an orphan and I've never been like that!" Terry is thinking, but he has to ask anyway because it's crucial to determine if the child is Amakusa. To which Mrs. Tsujii can't help but let out a bitter laugh:

* Misako: Soichi, adopted? No way, he's my third child. After him I lost all desire to have more.

* Terry: ((WOW, that's harsh coming from a mother! Well, I suppose...)) Right, and could I talk to him for a moment before I leave?

* Misako: If you can find him, of course. The problem is, as soon as he came home from school, he hid. Probably because he figured you were coming.

* Terry: Does he do that often?

* Misako: All the time. He doesn't like visitors, you know? And I don't understand why; in this family, everyone is very outgoing and cheerful except him.

At that moment, Mrs. Tsujii's older children, who are already in high school, appeared. They were returning from their school club:

* Sayuri: Tadaima... Ohhh, a foreigner!

* Koichi: Who's the foreigner, Mom?

* Misako: These are my other children, Koichi and Sayuri. But seriously, is this how you enter houses when there are guests? Greet Yonsumitsu-sensei.

* Koichi and Sayuri (bowing): Nice to meet you, Yonsumitsu-sensei!

* Terry: ((WOW, they don't look anything like Soichi!)) Likewise, kids, nice to meet you too.

* Misako: Yonsumitsu-sensei is a teacher from your brother's school who came to talk to me.

* Koichi: Again? You and Dad should do something about that idiot before he ends up in juvie.

* Misako: Don't exaggerate; he has his quirks, but it's not that bad.

* Sayuri: Yeah, what's wrong with Soichi is that he's watched too many horror movies.

* Terry: Well, ma'am, thank you very much for your time and the tea, but I think it's time for me to leave. I've just arrived in town and still need to find a place to stay.

* Misako: Why don't you stay here tonight? This house is very large, and we have plenty of space.

* Terry: Thank you, but I wouldn't want to impose...

* Misako: It's no trouble at all. We can set up a futon for you right away. Besides, that way, you can talk to Soichi; he'll probably show up at dinner time.

In the end, the Tsujii family was so hospitable that Terry ended up accepting, so the three of them went to prepare a room for him. This suits our friend perfectly to continue his investigation because, in the midst of this atmosphere of absolute normality, he still doesn't know what to make of Soichi:

* Terry: (Okay, except for grandpa, whom I'm 99% convinced is a zombie, there doesn't seem to be anything supernatural going on here. Besides, if the kid had those powers everyone would be terrified of him, but it's the other way around: Nobody seem to have any respect for him, neither at school nor at home).

It was then that Soichi stuck his head out from a trapdoor in the ceiling leading to the attic:

* Soichi: Oh, so you dared to come to my house to cause trouble? Big mistake, gaijin!

* Terry: "Big mistake"? Have you been hiding up there the whole time, eavesdropping on the conversation?

* Soichi (coming down from the ceiling): That woman pretending to be my mother lied to you. Of course, I'm adopted; I couldn't have such mediocre parents.

* Terry: Okay, and who are your real parents, according to you?

To which Soichi responds by showing the nails he has in his mouth as if they were fangs:

* Soichi: My dad is Count Dracula and my mom is a she-vampire from Pennsylvania.

* Terry: You mean "Transylvania", don't you? I've been to Pennsylvania and it's not that cool.

* Soichi: Isn't that what I said?

* Terry: Kid, instead of trying to scare people why not open up to others a bit and work hard to achieve your dreams? Because you must have some dreams, right?

* Soichi: Of course, having a child with a model, starting a business to support my family and becoming a role model for all the children in Japan.

* Terry: Wow, those are pretty normal things. I was expecting something much more sinister.

Truth be told, Soichi has literally had that dream but he forgot to mention that the model is a cannibalistic monster over 9 feet tall, and the business involves enslaving his family through Black Magic to put them to work in a Haunted House. As for becoming a role model... Well, let's just continue with the dialogue:

* Soichi: But I don't know what to do to achieve it, you know? I saw a guy on the internet who says he can turn you into a fockin beast, but you have to buy his courses and get up at 5 in the morning, which is around the time I usually go to bed.

* Terry: Yeah, that explains the dark circles and why you skip school so much. But giving your money to scammers is the worst thing you could do.

* Soichi: So what do you recommend for me to succeed in life?

* Terry: (How the f*ck should I know?!? But this is Japan and here teachers are supposed to guide their students, right?)

So Terry cleared his throat a bit, trying to get into character:

* Terry: Well first, hit the books. Because you can't start a business without a foundation, right? To achieve things, you have to make sacrifices.

* Soichi: That sounds very reasonable, go on.

* Terry: Second is to care more about people. Sure, you can be introverted, but people are the most valuable thing in this world.

* Soichi: People? Ah, I see where you're going...

* Terry: Of course, how else are you gonna win over the model? And the third is to make yourself a man and learn not to depend on anyone; that way you'll become a good example for kids.

* Soichi (ecstatic): Oh my goodness, Yonsumitsu-sensei, you're totally on my wavelength! I completely misjudged you!

* Terry: (Really? But I just spouted some generic crap that came to mind...)

* Soichi: You're the best teacher of all time, no one has ever spoken to me so clearly before! From today onwards, I plan to follow all your advice to the letter!

* Koichi (entering): Sir, dinner is ready, are you coming? [Looking at Soichi]: Well, look who finally showed up.

* Soichi: HOW I LOVE YONSUMITSU-SENSEI! YONSUMITSU-SENSEI RULES!

* Koichi: Soichi, stop shouting and running around the house unless you want me to give you a beating! And come to dinner, you've already made mom upset!

Meanwhile in the restaurant area of the Ritz-Carlton Osaka:

* Ralf: Okay, Mary, to make a long story short: You gotta help us investigate the weird things happening in the hotel 'cause we can't take care of everything.

* Blue Mary: And what exactly are you taking care of? I just ran into my old teammates and they say someone took a dump at their room door.

* Ralf: See? That's exactly what I was telling you...Damn, we elite mercenaries shouldn't be bothered with crap like that!

* Blue Mary: And I should?

* Clark: Of course, because you'll get paid. The Commander says hiring detectives is within our budget.

* Leona: Mary, the unruly and antisocial behavior of the KOF participants is escalating to intolerable levels, don't you see? Someone crapping at the doors of certain teams (although it's the second time it happened) is one thing, but what happened to Chizuru was an attempted rape.

* Ralf: We would love to solve all this with punches and bullets, but we don't even know who to shoot!

* Clark: If this continues the hotel staff will kick all of us out. And once the word gets out we won't find accommodation even on AirBnB.

* Leona: The Ikari Warriors have done everything in our hands to calm down the KOF folks, we even took them on a field trip. But, as you may know, as a result of that, the Japanese government had to declare a State of Emergency and deploy tanks.

* Blue Mary: Yeah, Billy and Yamazaki just told me something about shooting tanks with rocket launchers and whatnot. By the way, how is Chizuru?

* Clark: She's okay; the effects of Burundanga have worn off and according to the medical examination she wasn't raped. But she was held somewhere in the hotel for at least 2 hours and she can't remember who her attacker was.

* Blue Mary: Hmm, that's strange. Alright, since I see you're so desperate I'll take the job.

And back at the Tsujii household, once dinner is over, and Terry has had the opportunity to meet the father (who is also a very normal guy) it's time to retire to the room they've prepared for him to sleep:

* Koichi: Is everything to your liking, Yonsumitsu-sensei? If you need anything, don't hesitate to let us know, alright?

* Terry: Wow, this family is so nice and friendly! Honestly, I wonder...

* Koichi: ...Who Soichi takes after? Yeah, everyone asks us that when they get to know us, you know?

* Terry: He told me earlier that you're not his real family and that he's adopted.

* Koichi: Is he on about his movie-like stories again? Please wait here for a moment.

Koichi leaves the room and returns with the family photo album. He opens it and points to a picture of an ugly baby in a stroller:

* Koichi: See? This one here is Soichi as a newborn; it's hard to believe he already had dark circles.

* Terry (flipping through pages): Yeah, and there are a bunch of pictures of little Soichi with all of you, although the family resemblance... Wait a moment, who is this lady?

Terry said, noticing an old lady with a witch-like face in several photos, holding a toothpick between her teeth:

* Koichi: She does resemble my little brother, right? She's grandma. She passed away, but she's probably the only person Soichi has ever loved in his life.

* Terry: Really? Aren't you being a bit tough on your brother?

* Koichi: Well, maybe he's grown fond of you too, and that's why he spent the whole dinner repeating how much he likes you, who knows? [Closing the album]: Anyway, I won't keep you any longer; it's already very late. Good night and sleep well.

So, once Koichi leaves, and Terry lies down on the futon:

* Terry: (Okay, now I'm sure that Soichi is not Amakusa, those photos have convinced me. I think those Kameari guys were wrong and that kid isn't even a witch, he's just into some childish nonsense that he'll outgrow when he matures a bit... Oh man, suddenly I'm feeling so sleepy, aren't I?)

Terry thought as he peacefully fell asleep, only to wake up at 3:33 AM in the middle of a forest and buried up to his neck:

* Terry: HEY, WHAT THE HELL...?!?

* Soichi (with a couple of candles tied to his head): Awake already, Yonsumitsu-sensei? You must be really strong, considering all the sleeping pills from my mom that I slipped into your food!

* Terry: Kid, what are we playing at? Why have you buried me here in the middle of nowhere?

* Soichi: I'm just following your advice. You say to achieve things sacrifices must be made, right? Well, this sacrifice is called Inugami.

* Terry: Inugami? "Dog God"?

* Soichi: Yes, because it's usually done with a dog. I don't have a dog and I was going to do it with my cat, but since you say the most valuable thing is people...

* Terry: Tsk, me and my crappy advice. That's why Rock never pays any damn attention to me.

* Soichi: Well, I'm going to head off now. Look at the time and I still have a bunch of people to curse. I'll leave you a dorayaki here for tomorrow's breakfast.

Soichi said, placing the dorayaki in a bowl on the ground about 4 feet away from Terry's head:

* Terry: You know I can't reach it from this distance, right?

* Soichi: Of course, that's the beauty of Inugami! I'll come to bring you food every day, leave it right in front of your nose, suffer a lot watching you unable to eat it and so on until you die of hunger.

* Terry: Thirst. People usually die of thirst first.

* Soichi: Man, I can really learn a lot from you, see why you're my favorite teacher? And that's why the sacrifice is going to work. I like you so much that when you kick the bucket, it'll make me really sad and the gods will reward me by bringing you back from the dead with superpowers and as my servant.

* Terry: A flawless plan, eh Soichi? The only thing is, before I kick the bucket, about 10 days might pass, and there's plenty of time for someone to rescue me. What's up, is this your first murder?

* Soichi: Yes, but come on, nobody ever comes around here, or do you think I don't know the town I've been living in my whole life?

* Terry: Your mom will notice that her sleeping pills are missing!

* Soichi: No, because I switched them with my dad's blood pressure pills. I've got them so confused with the pills most of the time they don't even know what they're taking... Am I a genius or what?

* Terry: When they find my corpse they'll know it was you!

* Soichi: Nah, impossible, can't you see we're almost 2 miles from my house? How could a kid drag you all the way here?

* Terry: That's a good question, how did you do it?

* Soichi: Because I followed your third piece of advice and make myself a man! You know, so I wouldn't have to depend on anyone...

At that moment, Soichi shines a flashlight on a strange figure that Terry hadn't noticed until now because of the darkness: A human-sized ragdoll that smiles with empty eyes and a goofy face, even raising its right hand to wave.

* Terry: Okay, I finally get it, it was all true. The voodoo on the teacher, predicting my father's death, the zombie grandpa. Everything.

* Soichi: I just said the thing about your father randomly, but as for the rest... [Smiling with a mouth full of nails]: Aren't I impressive and wonderful?

* Terry: ((And he can summon nails too? Please, don't let him be a Reality Warper)) POWER GEYSER!

Soichi couldn't know it because he doesn't follow KOF and has never heard of Terry Bogard, but putting our friend in direct contact with the earth is not the best idea that could have crossed his mind. He had just climbed out of the hole when the doll jumped on him with murderous intentions, but it's just cloth and Terry easily splits it in two.

* Soichi: O-oh, you also have powers?!?

* Terry (shaking off the dirt): Did you think you were the only one? C'mon, let's go home. Your parents need to know what you were planning!

* Soichi: No way!

The kid said running into the forest, but he forgot that he has the typical Japanese curse candles tied to his head and Terry can easily locate him, not to mention run faster. Soichi could already see himself on his way to the the reform school when he came up with a plan B:

* Soichi (still running): AWAKEN AND COME TO MY CALL, DEMONS OF THE UNDERWORLD! GHOSTS AND YOKAI!

* Terry (same): We're in for trouble, aren't we? Kid, stop saying those things, remember you have powers!

* Soichi: ANY OF YOU WHO HAVE DIED HERE IN ANY ERA, AWAKEN, I SUMMON YOU! [Seeing that Terry stopped chasing him]: What, scared sh*tless already?

* Terry: *Sighh* Look ahead, c'mon.

At that moment, a cracking of trees breaking behind him is heard and Soichi slowly begins to turn around, only to find a gigantic creature looking at him, drooling while muttering just one thing between its sharp teeth:

* Kusaregedo: ...HUNGER...

Soichi was literally asking for yokais and now he has one right in front of him, almost 16 feet tall, intensely red, and with a belly swollen from insatiable hunger. He should be happy, who knows why he started screaming and kicking when Kusaregedo effortlessly lifted him with his good hand to bring him to his mouth, not before politely saying:

* Kusaregedo: ITADAKIMASU!

* Terry: BURN KNUCKLE!

Fortunately, the energy punch hit the monster in the stomach, making him release Soichi before eating him. The downside is that when he fell the candles went out and now they are all in total darkness and can't see anything. Terry instinctively dodged something that seemed like 2 sharp bone tips, but then he felt hands holding him down.

* Soichi (whining): Go away, go away, go away, go away, go away...

And then nothing, absolute silence, and Terry can move again. A few seconds pass:

* Terry: So, kid, have you learned your lesson, or are we still f*cking around with Black Magic for a bit longer? Did you bring a lighter? Light the candles again.

* Soichi (lighting them): No doubt I haven't learned a damn thing and I plan to keep f*cking around with Black Magic. But I've realized something, you know?

* Terry: Surprise me.

* Soichi: If you want to tell my parents what happened, go ahead and tell them. No problem, they won't believe a word and on top of that they'll think you're nuts...

Crossover with the Junji Ito Universe, remember? Here Soichi has the advantage because he's a native and knows perfectly well how things work:

* Terry: True, if they've been living with a zombie for so long and haven't even noticed...

* Soichi: I don't even know why I bothered to run. Or why I got scared of that creature, it actually looked a bit like the model.

* Terry: What?!? [Taking out his cellphone]: Well, I don't wanna know. Stay here and light me up, I need to make a call for someone to come pick me up.

* Soichi: In the middle of the forest? Who, UFOs?

* Terry: Don't try to be funny, ok? [Dialing a number]: And if I were you I wouldn't try the Inugami thing again; the gods will realize your sacrifices are a joke because you have no empathy and they'll kick your ass, rightfully so.

* Soichi: I didn't want to, you're the one who put weird ideas in my head. Aren't you ashamed, being a teacher and all?

Wow, the kid's got attitude, he's lucky Terry is such a good guy. He was about to say something, but then he heard Light's voice:

* Dr. Light (over the cellphone): What's up, Terry? Are you done already?

* Terry (also on the cellphone): Don't answer, man, I'm running outta credit! It was a missed call for you to call me!

* Dr. Light: How tough it is to save the world when you're poor, huh?

* Terry: You must've thought I'm Batman! Look, I'm in a forest 2 miles from f*ckazawa; come get me when you can, okay?

* Dr. Light: Wait, I need authorization first. And let's see if they give it to me because now they think I raped Chizuru...

* Terry: And did you?

* Dr. Light: No.

A couple of minutes later, when Light teleports to the forest:

* Dr. Light (pointing at Soichi): So this is Amakusa?

* Terry: Nah, I've met his parents and siblings. He's a little brat with superpowers, but he's not Amakusa.

* Soichi: Why did you start speaking in English, are you talking about me? And who's this bearded idiot?

* Dr. Light (in Japanese): Hey, creepy kid, you better respect me, okay? Or do you want me to go to your house and kill your family?

* Soichi: Oooh, scary! You really think I care?

* Dr. Light: You should, if only because the orphanage sucks ass!

* Terry: Artie, stop competing with the kid to see who's the bigger psychopath and let's get outta here.

* Soichi: Wait, are you going with the bearded guy? But you'll come to school tomorrow, right?

* Terry: Afraid not, being a teacher is over for me.

* Soichi: But...!

And with Terry and Light teleporting back to the hotel we end today's episode, which turned out longer than expected because lately I've been playing a lot of Samurai Shodown V and wanted to bring in Gedo. For the next one, a crossover with Shintaro Kago's Universe (just kidding, my brain couldn't handle writing such crazy stuff).

Chapter 23: The investigation begins

Chapter Text

Ikari Warriors Security Center at the Ritz-Carlton Osaka, the next morning:

* Ralf: Here you go, Terry, a 20-buck prepaid card from Heidern. So you don't say we're not going all out for the Sacred Warriors.

* Leona: Too bad the mission in f*ckazawa turned out to be a fiasco.

* Terry (putting away the card): Well, at least we confirmed that this Soichi guy isn't Amakusa. Although that kid is something else, I feel sorry for his parents and the people in his village.

* Dr. Light: I only spent 2 minutes with him and I already felt like killing him...

* Terry: I wish I could have done something for him and his family, but honestly I wouldn't even know where to start.

* Clark: Should've started by reporting him to the police. You said he tried to kill you, right?

* Ralf: Like they'd believe such a horror story! Besides, according to Terry, people in that village freak out about foreigners but don't give a f*ck about the supernatural.

* Terry: And even if I did that I'd probably have just gotten him into a juvenile center, from which he'd likely come out even worse.

* Electro: Forget it, you can't solve all the world's problems. Instead, you better help out your girl, who's trying to find out who raped Chizuru.

* Terry: Mary got involved in that mess? I'm gonna lend her a hand right away, I hope she doesn't mind that I'm no detective and I have no clue about anything.

* Leona: No, Terry, that would be obstructing her investigation. Remember this hotel is full of people who can solve problems with their fists, but there are very few who can reason.

* Ralf (turning on the TV): And besides, we have another thing to worry about. Remember the fights start today.

* Clark: Yeah, we might even have to fight today.

* Rhino: What do you mean, "might have to"? Isn't everyone fighting today?

* Ralf: Nah, Rhino, just 4 teams. The rest of the fights will be in other countries.

* Electro: So they brought everyone else to Japan for nothing? Man, KOF works in a crazy way!

* Rhino: Isn't that wasting people's time and the Organization's money?

* Leona: What time? You guys haven't seen the people participating in the tournament? 80% of them don't work.

* Dr. Light: For them this is a paid vacation, alternating between being freeloaders, millionaires or criminals.

* Ralf: Exactly, Artie, you've got it perfectly. One can tell it's your second KOF already.

* Dr. Light (laughing): KOF is like Social Services but on a grand scale, many people sign up to spend a month living in hotels for free! And don't give me that look, Terry, you're one of them for sure!

* Terry: No, listen, you have to understand that if you don't win you go back home with nothing and might even end up injured for several years, like Shingo. They gotta give us some extra incentive, right?

Meanwhile, one of the few KOF participants who does have a job is conducting a round of interrogations in an office temporarily set up for that purpose at the hotel:

* Choi: Oh c'mon, why us? You have some grudge against us just 'cause we tried to eat your dog!

* Blue Mary: I didn't call you in for that; it's because every time Kim looks away, you guys cause trouble.

* Chang: But that bastard never looks away from us, damn him! Ask him, he doesn't even separate from us to take a dump!

* Blue Mary: So are you denying trying to rape the tournament organizer?

* Choi: How do you think we'd do something like that? I'm happily married, and besides...

* Chang: We wouldn't even know how to get Burundanga in Korea, let alone in Japan.

* Blue Mary: Okay, and what about the other thing? You know, defecating on the doors of other teams' rooms?

* Chang: What?!? Hey, the draw is about to take place, how do you expect us to focus on that nonsense?

* Choi: And you should do the same. Aren't you afraid of having to fight against some team that's too crazy and aggressive?

* Blue Mary: Well, no, I live in South Town, and I've seen it all. But since I see you guys a bit on edge, I'll turn on the TV.

So and right at that moment:

* TV: "First match of this year's KOF tournament: Number 8 (Team Yagami) VS number 7 (Team Korea). Second match: Number 10 (Team Masters) VS number 16 (Ex-NESTS)."

* Chang: Oh sh*t! We're f*cked, man!

* Choi: Our troubles just keep getting bigger and bigger, even if it sounds odd coming from me!

After this Chang and Choi are not in the mood to continue talking, so Mary moves on to the next on the list:

* Joe: Damnit, Mary, how long have we known each other? Do you really think I would be capable of raping Chizuru?

* Blue Mary: Nah, I'm actually questioning you as a suspect for taking a dump on the door of Team South Town.

* Joe: I haven't done such thing! Who told you that, Billy? They may deserve it, but I'd never do that!

* Blue Mary: "They may deserve it"? So you admit you have a motive?

* Joe: Sure, "A new poem southern Thailand wants to tell", why?

* Blue Mary: I don't mean a motif, I mean motivation! Maybe envy, because there's a rumor they saved Osaka from a nuclear disaster.

* Joe: Oh please, what a way to sugarcoat things! They might be heroes or whatever you wanna call them, but they've killed more people than in an episode of Gatchaman!

* Blue Mary: Joe, culprits always get caught because of unnecessary lies, you know? I watched G-Force as a girl and they never killed anyone.

* Joe: 'cause in the West you watched the soft version! I can't take this outrage anymore, I'm gettin' up and leavin'!

So while Mary notes down the Gatchaman reference to check it later, Joe storms out of the room, furious, and the next suspect enters:

* Yashiro: You wanted to see me, babe? Let me guess, it's about Chizuru.

* Blue Mary: WOW, over a thousand years lived in successive reincarnations have made you incredibly smart, Heavenly King! Of course it's about Chizuru, if anything happens to any of the Sacred Treasures who do you think will be the main suspects? Especially knowing that you and your group have experience in kidnapping people.

* Yashiro: Oh, I see, that's where this is going. Thank goodness because suggesting that I, with this body, would need Burundanga to get laid...

* Blue Mary: Nanakase, you should take this more seriously because I assure you when we find the culprit they're in for it.

* Yashiro: Oh yeah? Tell me more! What favoritism, Kusanagi and that damn redhead set fire to the hotel and nothing happened to them!

* Blue Mary: That almost sounds like a confession, is it?

* Yashiro: No, but what does it matter what I say? If you already think we're guilty beforehand I'm not wasting any more time. Find your own way and get real evidence.

So another one storms out of there offended, and now it's Hanzo's turn (who is dressed in 21st-century clothes but still has a more sinister air than Batman):

* Hanzo: Me, assault a priestess? Me, betray the memory of Kaede, the mother of my children? Do you even know what you're saying, woman?

* Blue Mary: Well, I...

* Hanzo: Just because it's not your fault to have been born in an era where such crimes are considered trivial I won't kill you for insulting my honor. But I've noticed you're not interrogating all the tournament participants, only some. You barely know me, so tell me... Why have you thought of me?

* Blue Mary: Well, you see, people say you're a ninja, that you can teleport, disappear and that kind of stuff. And since we haven't found anything on the security cameras...

* Hanzo: In other words, you're accusing me with no basis and just because?

Hanzo's gaze (even through his sunglasses) is so piercing that Mary can't help but feel embarrassed:

* Blue Mary: God, I'm sorry; it seems I've misjudged you. Is there any way you can forgive me?

* Hanzo: Yes. And it's called "seppuku."

* Blue Mary: Hey, let's not go overboard, I'm just doing my job! Please leave and tell the next person they can come in, okay?

Unfortunately said person was Kukri:

* Blue Mary: Hello, come in and have a seat...

* Kukri: It's about time you started taking this seriously, don't you think? It's been almost a week since someone took a dump on the door of our room.

* Blue Mary: Yes, well, actually...

* Kukri: I'm gonna sue the f*ck outta whoever did it, the hotel, the Organization, the Ikari Warriors, and you! With Elisabeth's money, of course, 'cause I don't have that much cash for lawyers, but still...

* Blue Mary: Hey, could you be quiet for a moment? You're not here as a complainant, but as a suspect.

* Kukri: Suspect of what, of sh*tting on my own door? Don't be ridiculous!

* Blue Mary: No, of drugging Chizuru with Burundanga. You'd be surprised to hear the rumors circulating about you.

* Kukri: Oh so we're talking about an investigation based on rumors, how professional! And what do the rumors say, that people dream things and somehow it's my fault?

* Blue Mary: Well...

* Kukri: I can even imagine how those rumors reached you. But let's be clear, if your boyfriend dreamed that I kidnapped and turned him into a girl, obviously that's due to traumas and unconfessed desires hidden in his psyche!

* Blue Mary: What are you talking about? Terry hasn't told me anything! I don't know what you're talking about, but it makes you look even more guilty!

* Kukri (hurriedly leaving): Anyway, as I said... I'm gonna sue the f*ck outta all of you!

At this point Mary has a pretty bad headache and is eager to finish the interrogations, but Mature and Vice are still pending:

* Vice: First Yashiro and now us? There's a lot of discrimination against the Hakkeshu.

* Mature: But you won't bother Yamazaki, of course, because he's your buddy.

* Blue Mary: No, it's because there's no evidence against him and he's the only one among you who has nothing against the Sacred Treasures. It would be a waste of time.

* Mature: But honey, isn't this already a huge waste of time? Or do you think the culprit will confess just like that?

* Vice: You're handling the investigation so badly that they should kick you out and make us detectives.

* Mature: Yes, because we were the first to realize that Kagura had been drugged.

* Blue Mary: That's exactly why you're here, more than being Hakkeshu. How did you know?

* Vice: Are you asking that seriously? When we worked for Rugal we brainwashed people day in and day out.

* Mature: It's normal that we know all the techniques inside out. Oh Rugal, how I miss you...

* Vice: But for that we used tech, which is what you should be doing instead of bothering people without rhyme or reason. [Taking out her phone]: Like, for example, this app I have on my smartphone that detects sem*n stains.

* Blue Mary: Don't be ridiculous, you need ultraviolet light for that. You can't detect sem*n stains with a phone.

* Mature: How mistaken you are, mobile apps can detect everything, even ghosts. And we know because we've tested it on ourselves.

* Vice (looking at the phone screen): WOW, look at this, Mature! The whole office is covered in sem*n stains!

* Mature: It's natural, guys have been coming in non-stop all morning. Now focus it on her.

* Vice: Hahahahahah!

* Mature: Heheheheh!

* Blue Mary (enraged): Well, if this is going to be your attitude, you better get out of here and don't let the door hit you on the way out! I'm not here to put up with your antics!

* Vice: Wake up, the one who drugged Kagura is Kukri and the one sh*tting on the room doors is Higashi!

Said Vice basing this on absolutely nothing as both of them left the office laughing. And once Mary is alone:

* Blue Mary: Damn KOF people, my head is spinning! I'll have to think of another strategy because these interrogations are obviously not working.

Chapter 24: Team Yagami vs Team Korea

Chapter Text

Today's episode begins a few hours later, aboard a military truck of the Ikari Warriors and heading to the stage of the Japanese High School from KOF 2002 UM:

* Ralf (driving): Hey supervillains, ain't you excited that we're taking you to see KOF live?

* Rhino: Sure, to cheer on Takuma! And maybe we'll even get to see that dipsh*t Iori get his ass kicked.

* Electro: I've never seen KOF on TV, I'm more into the Super Bowl. What about Leona and Artie, are they gonna miss it?

* Clark: Someone has to stay back at the hotel keeping watch. But remember that you two are here in case any problems arise and everything else is secondary, okay?

* Ralf: By the way, Rhino, you're gonna have to dress up again.

* Rhino: Don't f*ck with me, again?!? And what do I gotta dress up as this time?

* Ralf: How should I know, maybe as an otter with a top hat? The costume is back there and who knows what it is, the Japanese love mascots and the more absurd, the better.

* Electro: If I just put on a ski mask is good enough, right?

* Ralf: Yeah, and besides, wearing a uniform and being with us nobody's gonna ask you anything. Okay, we've arrived, now hurry up 'cause we need to get a good spot.

So a few minutes later, with Rhino already dressed up and out of the truck:

* Rhino: Hey, what's this place, a school full of kids? Ain't that a weird place to fight?

* Clark: We wanted to set up at Esaka Station, in the middle of an intersection, under the bridge and blocking traffic, but the City Council told us no.

* Ralf: Yeah, it makes more sense to come and brawl inside an educational center. 'cause they're in the middle of some cultural festival and that way they can charge higher ticket prices.

* Electro: No sh*t, it's clear that for the Japs throwing punches is culture!

* Ralf: Right on! Okay, so now we have to make a very important decision: Do we position ourselves in front of the TV cameras or behind?

* Clark: If it's in front, I warn you that we'll have to act retarded.

* Ralf: And if it's behind, as you can see, it's packed with people. We'll have to elbow our way through to see anything.

* Rhino: I think I'll go in front. After all, I'm already dressed up like a clown...

* Electro: And I think I'll go behind, people quickly move away when I shock them.

* Ralf: Good decision, guys. I don't understand why they call you "Spiderman's blockheads". We'll go behind too. Max, you go first and clear the way.

At that moment, Terry, Andy, Mai, Kyo, Shingo, Haohmaru, Galford, and the entire AOF team showed up, all together as if they were a group of friends (which, by now, they practically are):

* Kyo: Hey, have you noticed how people move aside for the Ikari Warriors and let them pass? That's 'cause the guy with the ski mask is definitely Max!

* Robert: Max?

* Kyo: Yeah, Electro. He's probably shocking people outta his way with his electric aura.

* Terry: Kyo, don't be such a loudmouth, buddy! Can't you see that there are still people here who don't know that...?

* Mai: ...Heidern has supervillains watching the tournament? [Laughing] Don't be naive, Terry. You told Andy and Andy tells me everything.

* Andy (seeing Terry's expression): Sorry, sorry!

* Yuri: Yeah, and Robert and I heard it from Ryo, who fought one of them. [Pointing at Rhino]: I bet it's that big guy over there, right?

* Kyo: Well, if everyone and his mother knows there's nothing we can do. Let's go grab a spot next to them, it's about to begin.

So as planned, the group splits in two, and half of them do just that (with zero secrecy when greeting Max). The other half, however, has decided to position themselves in front of the cameras, becoming part of the background.

* Shingo: It's great that we found you, right, Mr. Dillon? Now we can all be together and comment on the matches.

* Electro: Hey, stop calling me by my name! I'm incognito, and Ralf and Clark are gonna get mad!

* Clark: Tsk, how unprofessional.

* Ralf: Alright, you guys can stay here if there's no other choice, but at least keep it quiet and let us work, okay?

* Haohmaru: What a great spot to watch the matches, huh? We're so close that we might even get splashed with blood.

* Mai: I would love to tell you that KOF isn't like that, Mr. Haohmaru... but it is, let's not fool ourselves.

* Kyo: I wasn't even planning to come. Yagami gets too carried away and thinks it's all about him. But I'm really here for my old man, since if he gets his ass kicked it'll be a laugh.

* Galford: Are you seriously here to make fun of your father? Such a lack of respect, Kyo!

* Kyo: Screw him, he only signed up for the tournament to kick my ass, remember? And speaking of kicking asses, military guys, how's it going with Chizuru? Have you found the culprit?

* Clark: We're working on it. You and Yagami better stay out of it.

* Kyo: Can't guarantee that.

Just as they finish talking the contenders have just appeared, each team positioning themselves in front of the cameras and at opposite ends of the stage amid applause and hysterical cheers from the audience:

* Bunch of sukeban girls: IORIN, WE LOVE YOU, MAKE US A BABY ALREADY!

* Bunch of yankii boys: THAT KIM OVER THERE, LAYING DOWN JUSTICE WITH KICKS TO THE FACE!

Sure, the sukeban and yankii thing might not be in fashion, but it wasn't in 2009 either and you can still see a few in the game's stage (besides, Miss X in 2016 is also a sukeban). But let's leave that aside for now because a familiar face has just appeared, dressed entirely in black, carrying two small flags and positioning himself in the center of the stage:

* Shingo: Hey, isn't that Kuroko? [Loudly]: Hi, Mr. Kuroko! Long time no see!

The man stays in character and just raises an arm to return the greeting. And at that moment, the first two contenders appear, Kuroko takes a couple of steps back with a jump, and the battle begins:

Vice vs Chang - ROUND 1, FIGHT!

* Vice (striking sexy poses on the ground): Omoshiroi, yarou ka? [="Interesting, shall we begin?"]

* Chang (picking his nose): UHUHU-HUHUHUM!

Chang started the fight by throwing himself to the ground with the ball in front and the nice intention of breaking his opponent's knees. However, Vice saw it coming and jumped in time, delivering a rapid flurry of kicks so fast that they could even cause cuts. Not very bloodied yet, Chang counterattacks with a belly bash C+D that pushes Vice back. Meanwhile, in the background, doing silly poses and holding promotional signs for the Kyokugen school compulsively and exaggeratedly:

* Rhino: That 130-lbs chick is gonna beat that fat guy? No f*cking way!

* Ryo: Don't be so sure, Rhino. Keep in mind that she is much faster and the second strongest of the Hakkeshu.

* Rhino: The what?

* Robert: The eight heads of an ancient god named Orochi, who is determined to destroy the human race to protect Nature.

* Rhino: Huh?

* Yuri: Some dudes with superpowers who are half-snakes, okay?

The latter sounded more understandable to the Rhino, especially as he watched Vice, with a movement so fast that the eye can barely catch it (namely, Deicide) extending an arm to more than twice its usual length to grab Chang by one leg and throw him backward several meters away, very close to where part of the audience was gathered. But there's no problem because watching KOF live has its risks, and if a 660-lbs guy falls on you, well, you just deal with it.

And meanwhile, in Team Yagami's corner (since they never should have removed the feature of teammates being present during fights):

* Iori: Hmph. Pathetic.

* Mature: Ohh, you've angered Vice, now she's going to tear you apart! As if you didn't have enough problems with baldness and morbid obesity!

* Chang (getting up): Shaddup! Your friend is gonnna spend next week sh*tting her own teeth!

But Chang shouldn't have gotten distracted because Vice took advantage of it. She ran towards him and delivered such a powerful shoulder blow that sent him flying through the air (this move is called Mayhem, like the Norwegian black metal band. One thing I love about M&V is that all their moves are named after metal bands and most of them are good). Not content with that, she jumped, grabbed him before he hit the ground, and slammed him on his back. Our favorite big guy recovered in time to block the onslaught coming his way with an elbow followed by a Tekkyuu Daikaiten (spinning the ball above his head), which fortunately interrupted before being victim of another Deicide:

* Vice: With so much fat it's going to be hard to break your spine. No matter, we'll keep trying...

But now it's Chang's turn to take the initiative. Running towards Vice like a dizzy duck, he jumped, kicked her, then immediately grabbed her blouse and slammed her against the ground from side to side about half a dozen times (with that subtle technique of his called Dai Hakai Nage). After that, Vice quickly got up, jumped towards Chang, intending to kick him in the head, but he also jumped backward, hitting her with the ball (which reachs further, so she was the one who ended up losing):

* Chang: Hey Choi, did you see that? We already have this match in da bag!

Vice spat blood and got up again, but Chang just kicked her to the ground, generating such a shockwave that knocked down his opponent again (it's the Haki Kyaku that Kim taught him, only when Chang does it, it goes much farther). He was about to do it again, but then Vice jumped on him, grabbed him by the neck, and smashed his face into the ground.

* Rhino: WOW, I'm starting to really like that chick! Maybe I'll even ask her out...

* Ryo: You won't be that stupid, Rhino, will you?

* Robert: That's the worst idea you've ever had in your life. Besides letting yourself be put in a rhinoceros suit that you can't take off, of course.

Meanwhile, Vice tried to grab Chang as he got up, but he reached her with a sloppy Hienzan (because it came out poorly and he fell backwards, which is what usually happens to him). However, Kim's disciple takes the initiative again, spinning the ball for a moment before striking forward with it, jumping or ducking and hitting with the ball and in general making Vice constantly have to cover herself and retreat to the corner.

* Electro: Oh c'mon, am I the only one who sees that the fat guy is carrying an iron ball? That's cheating!

* Ralf: Give me a break, that's perfectly legal! Or what, do you think Leona shouldn't be able to use explosives? Or Whippy a whip and a Desert Eagle?

* Clark: Think about it, if you can bring a gun to KOF and you don't, whose fault is it?

* Kyo (laughing): Max, why are you arguing that with the Ikari Warriors, don't you know they're one of the biggest cheaters?

* Ralf: Hey, you have some big f*cking superpowers and no one says anything!

Things were really looking bad for Vice, with her back against the school fence and Chang controlling the pace of the fight. All that was left was for him to jump back at her, land a couple of hits, and start spinning the ball, and with that, he would have won the fight even if it was just through chip damage. But unfortunately for him, Vice rolled onto her back, dodging the first blow, grabbed his neck between her legs, and started jumping backward, slamming him into the ground as if there were no tomorrow, finally catching him in mid-air by the skull, elevating herself even higher in the air and crashing him with a headbutt onto the pavement, with so much force that it even made a crater (in other words, a Negative Gain DM Climax-cancelled in an Obscura).

* Vice: Mangetsu no yoru ni mata ao ka? [="Shall we meet again on a full moon night?"]

After which our fatso doesn't get up anymore, so the Kuroko applauds, bows, and declares his opponent the winner. And once a dozen guys from the Organization remove Chang from there and take him away on a reinforced stretcher:

Vice vs Choi - ROUND 2, FIGHT!

* Choi (dancing): Asore! Odoru ahouni atashi aho!

Which in Japanese seems to mean "watch me dance like a moron", which along with Chang's intro picking his nose, it must be a desire to embarrass Kim in front of TV. Needless to say, Vice didn't find it funny and rushed towards him, just what Choi was waiting for to create a tornado (a small one) and send her flying through the air with slashes.

* Andy: Blood's starting to splash on me, anyone got a tissue?

* Mai: I brought a few towels from the hotel, darling, don't worry.

* Electro: This is injustice after injustice, after all the beatings she's taken, now they're gonna put that chick to fight against some mini-Freddy Krueger?

* Shingo: That's how KOF works, a team doesn't win until all members of the opposing team are KO.

* Ralf: Thank goodness permanent brain damage is an invention of the WHO and doesn't exist, otherwise all of us would be school dropouts like Kusanagi.

* Kyo: Haha, you're so funny, aren't you?

Electro has taken an instant dislike to Choi because the way he moves around the stage reminds him too much of Spiderman, only the Korean is even more annoying. In fact, he's doing nothing but jumping and flying from side to side, attacking carelessly and keeping enough distance by using his claws or the C+D kick from the old KOFs, and in general, not letting Vice get close enough to grab him:

* Vice (bleeding everywhere): Stay still already! When I catch you, I'm going to tear you in two!

* Choi: Not gonna happen, buddy! Get ready, 'cause I'm gonna avenge Chang!

To the delight (?) of the audience our friend is using his entire repertoire of irritating moves, from triangular jumps that take him out of the TV cameras' frame to flying from one side to the other bouncing off walls, including his version of the Hishou Kyaku he learned from Kim and that move from KOF XIV of falling right on top of the head with his claws forward. It's precisely this last move that Vice just blocked, taking the opportunity to land a couple of punches, followed by a Mayhem that sends him flying through the air and immediately after jumping and slamming his head into the ground (Splash) cancelled into a second jump that more or less does the same but creates upon impact a column of blood red (Overkill DM).

* Rhino: Hey, did you see that? When she slammed the dwarf on the ground I saw the image of a snake in the air! f*ck, is she really a reptilian?

* Yuri: We never said anything about reptilians, but if it helps you get the idea of dating Vice out of your head...

The aforementioned has tried to keep away from her opponent while he got up to avoid a Tatsumaki Shippuzan (the little tornado) or a Hienzan but screwed up by jumping towards him next, because she just ate an attack from Choi flying in her direction with his claws forward (Senpuu Hien sh*totsu EX) cancelled into a big tornado with lightning and all that even reached Vice on the rebound twice (Shin! Chouzetsu Tatsumaki Shinkuuzan DM, man these Choi's attack names are really complicated!).

* Choi (dancing on one foot): Ka-i-kan! [="How nice!"]

With that, we have the second KO of the day, only Vice didn't need to be taken away by the paramedics because she woke up in less than a minute, said she didn't want blood transfusions, and went back to her corner. So now we continue:

Mature vs Choi - ROUND 3, FIGHT!

* Mature: Saa, irashai. [="Come on, come here"]

Mature came out ready to take no nonsense from Choi, so his first attempt to jump towards her and hit her with a Hishou Kyaku was met with a Deathrow (that's it, a surge of energy coming from her manicured nails). She didn't continue with the other 2 hits of the rekka because she used it as an anti-air and Choi landed too far away, but at least she just showed him that she knows how to slash people too. Choi's next attack, consisting of flying towards her with claws in front, was countered by a nearly 2-meter-tall curved projectile that also draws blood (the Ebony Tears). And meanwhile, in the front rows and wiping said blood off his face with a towel:

* Haohmaru: WOW, I love this, I feel right at home!

* Kyo: Watch out when Mature gets cut, we don't know what's in the blood of the Hakkeshu. Don't get it in your mouth or eyes, just in case.

But for now it's Choi who's bleeding, because Mature just interrupted his little tornado with a flying kick to the face, and after blocking the next attack from his claws, she unleashed a few normal scratches, followed by her rekka canceled on the second hit into a Nocturnal Rites DM (meaning, another bunch of energy slashes finished with an Ebony Tears). Or in other words, the bloodbath continues:

* Electro: Dudes...Kids watch KOF?

* Shingo: Of course, it's wholesome family fun.

* Terry: Well, except for when Choi ripped Vice's blouse and her boobs popped out. But they pixelate that stuff on TV.

Choi just jumped an Ebony Tears and landed on Mature, hitting her 3 times in the back with his claws, after which he landed doing a cross-up and after several more kicks and normal slashes, he initiated a Houou Kyaku DM (another bunch of surprise slashes finished with a Hienzan). Then Mature got up and tried to catch him with a Deicide, but Choi jumped in time to dodge it, and that's when he simply disappeared...

The next thing we see is large claw marks appearing and disappearing randomly and Mature rolling and blocking left and right alternately as quick as she can because those attacks are quite fast and can occur anywhere in the combat zone. In total, 7 slashes that totally miss the target and 2 seconds later (which is how long Choi's sneaky Hidden move lasts in KOF 2002):

* Ryo (astonished): Wow, I can't believe it, she dodged THAT?!?

Actually Choi can't believe it either, if he hadn't stayed staring for a second with his mouth open, maybe Mature wouldn't have caught him with a Heavens Gate DM, grabbing him and smashing him against the front wall with such force that it even creates a column of red reflecting the image of a skull.

* Mature (looking in a mirror and applying lipstick): Tanoshikatta wa, arigato. [="It was fun, thank you"]

Despite losing Choi hasn't ended up too badly, he woke up relatively early, let the paramedics bandage his wounds, and went back to his corner with Chang, who is already there enjoying a meal while watching the rest of the fights. So, without further ado:

Mature vs Kim - ROUND 4, FIGHT!

* Kim (turning his back and pointing with his finger): Aku wa yurusan...HA! [="Evil will not be forgiven"]

Let's apply pressure with the quintessential rushdown character! Kim wasted no time in running out and immediately attacking with his forward-moving kick (Twio Yop Chagi), which Mature managed to block only to be hit with a Hangetsuzan in the air. Kim's next aerial attack is a Hishou Kyaku that Mature also managed to block, but at this point Mature has lost a lot of blood and is tired of so much fighting (let's remember she dodged Choi's HSDM and that's quite a feat), so she's going to start using her cunning:

* Mature: Imagine this, Kim! There's an out-of-control train about to run over 5 people, but there's a bridge over the track...

* Kim: What?!?

* Mature: And on the bridge there's a very bulky man who looks pretty much like your disciple Chang. In fact, he's so fat that if he falls onto the track in time he can stop the train.

* Kim: He can stop the train? He must be really fat!

* Mature: What would you do, Kim? Would you throw Chang to a certain death or let the other 5 people die?

* Kim (thoughtfully): I... But that would be killing, right? Although, if it's for the greater good...

Here it's worth noting that, although SNK eventually removed this move for who knows what reasons, Mature has 2 versions of the Deicide: One very similar to Vice's that throws enemies far away and another that attracts them towards her to perform combos. And it's this latter one that she just did to Kim, followed by 2 kicks to the face and a Deathrow x3, because while our friend ponders ethical questions she has decided it's best to charge her meter:

* Kim (getting up bloodied): Hey, what the...?!?

* Mature: Tick tock, tick tock! Time is running out, Kim, if you don't throw the fat guy those 5 people are going to die! Make up your mind, what are you going to do?

* Kim: Well, I...

And meanwhile, in the corner of Team Yagami:

* Vice: Heh, that thing Mature came up with is brilliant. She's got Captain Korea totally messed up.

* Iori: That's not "something Mature came up with", you dimwit. That's the Trolley Problem.

* Vice: Really? I've never heard of it in all my reincarnations.

* Iori: You only read comic books, what did you expect?

Said Iori unfairly badmouthing American comic books, where I personally learned almost all the Philosophy I know (although not about the trolley thing, I saw that one in a video game). But let's get back to Kim, who just got up after eating another combo finished with a Sacrilege and is still lost in thought:

* Kim: I don't know! I don't know if the ends justify the means in a case like that, what would you do?

* Mature: Me? I would let the train run over the 5 people then throw the fat guy to his death for fun...But we're not talking about me here, we're talking about you!

At this point and with Kim practically turned into a training dummy, Mature would like to finish the fight by doing a cross-up with an EX Metal Massacre followed by a Nocturnal Rites DM canceled during the fifth hit into an Iron Maiden. But naturally, the Fatal Fury crew in the front rows won't let their friend take a 5-bar combo:

* Terry: Oh sh*t, this guy has zero street smarts! [Shouting]: Kim, don't let that girl mess with your head!

* Andy: (likewise): There's no bridge, no tracks, nothing at all, there's just a killer chick who wants to slash you!

* Kim: That's right! Miss, the thing with the fat guy and the train only has one possible answer... And that answer is that I'll think about it when it happens!

So blocking the next combo that was coming his way, Kim counterattacks with his own rekka (the Sanren Geki) finished with a flying kick and taking advantage of being already in the air he cancels it into a Houou Kyaku DM, which finally KO's Mature and he's declared the winner of the round:

* Kim: Nakanaka no temae! [="You're quite good"]

So a couple of minutes later, back in Team Yagami's corner:

* Mature: Look how that riff raff from earlier messed me up with his claws, now you're going to have to buy us new clothes.

* Iori: Me?!?

* Vice: Of course, because otherwise, we'll have to get on Tinder, meet some sucker, steal his credit card, beat the number out of him, and then kill him.

* Mature: And who will be to blame, Yagami?

* Vice: You indeed.

* Iori: Are you sure you're ghosts? Because I didn't know there were blackmailing ghosts, maybe I haven't seen enough horror movies.

And here Iori is thinking that if they're not really dead, he should put them to work to pay for their own things, although it's clear that, with their combination of beauty, superpowers, and psychopathy, the last thing Mature and Vice need in this life is a job. He was still pondering how to approach the problem when it was his turn to go out and fight:

Iori vs Kim - ROUND 5, FIGHT!

* Iori (turned away): Sugu raku ni sh*te yaru. [="This will be quick"]

Kim's first flying kick was quickly countered with a swipe from Iori, then he grabbed his opponent by the gi lapels, turned him around, and gave him a couple of scratches followed by the 3 punches of his rekka (the Aoihana). After that, he threw a Yamibarai like OTG when Kim was still on the ground, but Kim got up fast enough to counterattack by hitting his opponent with a Hisen Kyaku right in the middle of his skull.

* Electro: YEAH! WELL DONE, CAP-ONE, TAKE DOWN THAT BASTARD!

* Terry: I thought you didn't like Kim very much. Neither you nor your supervillain buddies.

* Electro: 'cause he gets all preachy about rehabilitation, but the other one, I really hate him.

* Kyo: You and everyone else. Well, except for the handful of crazy chicks who follow him everywhere and are gonna end up in garbage bags one of these days.

* Fangirls from the audience (almost crying): NOOOOO! It can't be, he's made a gash in our Iorin's head!

Thankfully, being a redhead, the blood hardly shows on him, unlike Kim (whose gi is starting to look like the flag of Poland). But even so, and strangely enough, he has the support of most of the male audience present even though he's Korean, probably because the Japanese already know that every time someone approaches Yoris for an autograph, the response is always along the lines of "disappear or die".

* Yuri: Isn't it weird that Kim can't use energy but his kids can? Have you ever thought about it?

* Ryo: They probably inherited it from their mother.

* Yuri: Fire and electricity powers? Not so sure about that...

* Rhino: Guys, instead of standing there insinuating Kim's wife cheated on him with Team Japan...

* Yuri: Hey, we're not insinuating any of that, calm down!

* Rhino: ...Shouldn't we stop the fight? 'cause one of those guys has powers and the other doesn't.

* Robert: What do you think, that Kim doesn't have powers? Superhuman agility and strength, man.

Too bad Iori also has superhuman agility and strength along with excellent technique, to the point where he wouldn't have any trouble fighting without his flames, as we saw in KOF XIII. So it's no surprise that he easily avoided Kim's next aerial attack with an Oniyaki, then rushed towards him, flipped him back with another Kuzukaze, followed by a couple of punches and a paralyzing Yamibarai before launching himself towards him with a Tsumakushi, catching him before landing with the first hit of his rekka and then slamming his head to the ground with a Kototsuki In amidst a purple-colored explosion of fire:

* Iori: Tsk, you're wasting my time. If you know what's good for you, you'll stay down.

* Kaphwan (getting up bleeding and half charred): No. Never.

The next barrage of hits begins with Iori jumping on him and kicking him in the back of the head followed by another low kick and a swipe to the back, then entering MAX Mode, running forward, and after another punch, chaining Oniyakis canceled into Aoihanas with a single hit canceled into Kototsuki Ins and so on, until he corners his opponent and finishes with the full rekka (this obviously should have ended in a DM, but it's clear Iori wants to save meter). And meanwhile, in Team Korea's corner:

* Choi: Master Kim, as much fun as it is to watch you get your face smashed in, don't get up anymore! Don't you see that guy's a beast?

* Chang: If you get killed or end up in a wheelchair your wife will be mad!

* Kaphwan (bleeding from the ears): Guys, I can't hear what you're saying, my ears are ringing... But thanks for the encouragement!

So incredibly inspired by the words of encouragement from his disciples (which he couldn't hear with his eardrums broken, so he imagined what he wanted), Kim reacts to Iori's next attempt to grab him with a couple of leg kicks followed by a Sanren Geki EX, sending his opponent flying with the third kick only to be caught before falling by a Hienzan canceled into a Houou Kyaku SDM. At this point, the crowd is ecstatic watching Yagami get his ass kicked (the crazy girls who came to cheer him on are the minority) and thinking that Kim could turn the fight around, but then:

* Iori: SHINE!

Iori interrupted his next attack by falling on top of Kim with a Tsumakushi canceled into a Yaotome, which means a barrage of surprise punches and scratches tearing through flesh, ending in an explosion that would normally send Kim flying away. However, before landing, he was caught by another pair of swipes and trapped amidst a huge column of fire (Saika), after which he did not rise again, and the Kuroko ended the match by declaring Iori as the winner:

* Iori: Haha... Hahahahah... HAHAHAHAHAH!!

To the utter disappointment of the vast majority of people watching the fight, including our friends:

* Electro (furious): And now he starts laughing? Gonna fry that motherf*cker!

* Clark: Easy, Dillon, don't make me restrain you.

* Ralf: Remember he gives off shocks, we better activate his collar. [To Electro]: Listen, Max, that's how KOF is, okay? It was a fair fight, Kim wouldn't want you to seek revenge for him.

* Electro: But his life is over! Now they'll give him Oxycodone instead of proper medical treatment and in 2 months he'll be a Fentanyl zombie!

* Shingo: Nah, that only happens in your country. Japanese healthcare sucks too, but not that much, right?

* Terry: Kim's a tough guy, he'll be fine soon. Don't freak out just 'cause they doused him with a fire hose and then took him away in an ambulance, okay?

And with that, Team Yagami advances to the quarterfinals, and Team Korea is eliminated. It's a shame because I like them and they're one of the official teams I tend to use the most (though it depends on the year), but I never take personal things into account when deciding who wins and who loses each match.